I hate to be the one to tell you this but heaven sucks. I spent my whole life being good so I could get in here. I went to church every week, only hung out with other good people, and hated anything I didn’t understand. Now I’m in heaven and it blows. For one, we’re constantly singing. Constantly. I can’t take it anymore. There are way too many of us to figure out any type of harmonies so it ends up just sounding terrifying. And the light! Have you ever hung out in a white room with the lights turned on as bright as can be? I feel like I’m in a music video. I can’t see anything. I’ve always got those weird worm things flying across my eyes because of all the light. Plus, this place is mostly just babies. That might sound nice to some but I’m not a big fan of kids and being surrounded by them all the time can be a little creepy. We get more and more babies everyday and they don’t age so they just keep piling up. The worst part is that this is going to go on forever. There is no end in sight. I feel like I have been here for a million years already and it’s probably only been a day. I’m just hoping there’s a cooler section of heaven somewhere that I haven’t found yet. I daydream about finding a door that leads to another room covered in christmas lights with a huge leather couch in the center with all my friends sitting on it. There’s a big frosted mug of root beer waiting for me and the Beach Boys are there playing with Bill Murray doing some guest vocals. But none of that is real. Maybe someday, if I’m really, really good, I’ll get to go there. Until then I’m stuck in heaven.
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