Tag Archives: cats

CATASTROPHIC

kitten-1

No one thought the post apocalyptic world would look like this.  Films and books had always portrayed a world ruled by martial law where survivors live in fear of barbarians.  Fire barrels.  Deserted highways.  Lots of leather for some reason.  No one could have predicted the fate that really came to be:  A WORLD RUN BY CATS!  No one expected that these cuddly little creatures would turn on us so violently.  They tore down our monuments, imprisoned those who defied them and burned all of our art and literature to the ground.  They took our dignity and destroyed our history.  I live a very humble life with my female companion here on the island of what was once known as manhattan (I have no idea if I’m pronouncing that correctly).  But we are not alone.  Two felines occupy our living quarters with an iron fist.  We are forced to clean up their excrement from a small rectangle of sand.  We must feed them whenever they beckon.   They dictate where my feet should be as I sleep.  But the most terrifying part is this:  On most evenings they just lay strewn across the floor in a most erotic way, just glaring at us.  It’s as if, just by living, we have somehow disappointed them.  Perhaps they are just amused by how easy it was to domesticate us.

If this message is successful in making it backwards in time, then remember this one thing: Spay and neuter your cats.  Please, the human race is depending on you.   This is not a joke.  This is our future.fatcat

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Back To The Grindstone

Some of you may recall that I got a new job some months back (if you never read about it, you may want to before reading any further). Well, let’s just say that my boss kept HOUNDING me and I ended up in the DOGHOUSE. But after six weeks of unemployment, I’ve finally found work. I can’t say I like it as much as my old job, because most of the employees are judgmental assholes who only care about themselves. Let me introduce you to them.

kittyThis is Mila, the secretary. Total wench. My first day there I tried to introduce myself to her and she was all like “We don’t get paid to socialize.” Geeze, lady! Put your claws away! LITERALLY! So I retaliated by saying “I didn’t realize they were hiring FERAL CATS at this office!” We haven’t spoken since. Oh, by the way Mila, HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO CATCH THAT MOUSE?

office_cat2-760976This is Wafer, the new guy. He’s alright, I guess. The only thing I have against him is that he’s barely out of college and already makes twice my salary! When I found that out, all I could say was “You have got to be KITTEN me!” I mean, that’s a lot of SCRATCH. How is that even PAWSible? He also smokes about eight packs of cigarettes a day. He coughs all the time and when I tell he should quit, he just responds with “IT’S PROBABLY JUST A HAIRBALL.” And I’m all like “Yeah, a malignant hairball!”

narkisThis is Mike, the IT guy. He’s probably about to get fired (ABANDONED) because every time he tries to fix my computer, he just swats at the ethernet cable for an hour and then falls asleep on the modem! And then he has the nerve to tell me I wasted his time. Not to mention he’s always calling in sick and saying he has a (CAT SCRATCH) FEVER. But I know he’s FE-LYIN’, I mean talk about a tall TAIL (tall tale)! Are you FUR REAL (FOR REAL)? I hope he’s able to get a good REF-FUR-ENCE (REFERENCE) so he can find a new job. But I’m sure he’ll LAND ON HIS FEET.

catDon’t even get me started on Jammer! He works in CATStomer service and is the office “funny guy.” He’s always playing these awful pranks on people, as you can clearly see in the picture. Hey, Jammer! That’s my INBOX, not your LITTER BOX you sick fuck! But I have to admit, it was pretty funny when he put CATNIP in the coffee pot. Mila got so stoned that she actually tried to eat her COMPUTER MOUSE (hence my comment from before). It was a CATASTROPHE (CATASTROPHE). Man, Jammer was having the time of his (NINE) LIFE(S).

catatwork2And this a-hole is Bubastis. He runs the whole joint. I guess you could call him the PURR-ESIDENT (PRESIDENT) of the company. Talk about a FAT CAT! He’s always keeping TABBIES on his co-workers. Be careful, though. He may look fun to hang out with, but he’s actually a money laundering racist (NOTICE THE LACK OF BLACK CATS IN THE OFFICE). I know there’s Mila, but she’s only half black. And Bubastis didn’t even want to hire her, but had to because of aFURmative action (affirmative action)!

catman2Then there’s this guy. He doesn’t even work here, he just shows up everyday and hangs out by the water cooler making moves on all of the women. And then whenever I ask him to leave he just moonwalks on my desk and laughs at me! Then he goes into the kitchen and just starts eating people’s lunches and telling them how good it tastes. And nobody wants to punch him in the face because they’re afraid he might be the bosses son! CATMAN!!!
 

roxie_desk_bNot sure who this guy is, but the other day he just waltzed into the office and murdered all of my co-workers. Looks like there’s a new boss in town!