“I own three Superbowl rings god damn it!” Those are probably the last words that I will ever utter on national television. It’s true, I won a couple rings in my 14 year NFL career. I wear a different one every day, except on Sundays (that’s the day I wear my wedding ring). And the answer is “yes” I have tried to wear the rings on my penis but they wouldn’t fit. Not because my penis is too big though. I actually have a very small penis. No, my problem is shape. Back in 1991 a prostitute in Cambodia broke my penis in three different places. As you can imagine, it’s a little bit more difficult getting a championship ring on it now. Are you imagining?
Anyways, ten years after retiring, CBS Sports asks me if I’d like to try guest commentating. Within a week I was sitting in the box chatting it up with Greg and Phil. It started off fine, I complimented the teams but also mentioned things I thought they could work on. I predicted why flags were thrown and even tried out my own catch phrase (“You just can’t do that!”). It all started going down hill in the middle of the 3rd Quarter when Gumbel goes out of his way to mention my fumble in the ’87 AFC Championship. After watching the tape, I can see now that he was actually trying to pay me a compliment. That’s why I feel so bad about saying “Well, what the hell have you done with your life, Gumbel?” I don’t know why I said that. Or why I tried to push him out of his chair. Or why I yelled “Stay out of this Phil, this knife isn’t meant for you!” Which reminds me, I don’t know why I brought that knife. When I leave the house with a knife, sometimes I’m just like “Why are you taking this knife with you? You know if you take it you’re just going to spend all day looking for an excuse to use it.” That’s right about the time when security tackled me and I yelled the thing about the rings. I tried to get in one last “You just can’t do that!” but they’d already turned my microphone off.
Despite all that, I still think the Jets played a thinking man’s football game against the Chiefs on Sunday and I’m excited to see what their defense has in store for the rest of the season.