Tag Archives: Babies

Heaven Sucks

heaven
I hate to be the one to tell you this but heaven sucks.  I spent my whole life being good so I could get in here.  I went to church every week, only hung out with other good people, and hated anything I didn’t understand.  Now I’m in heaven and it blows.  For one, we’re constantly singing.  Constantly.  I can’t take it anymore.  There are way too many of us to figure out any type of  harmonies so it ends up just sounding terrifying.  And the light!  Have you ever hung out in a white room with the lights turned on as bright as can be?  I feel like I’m in a music video.  I can’t see anything.  I’ve always got those weird worm things flying across my eyes because of all the light.  Plus, this place is mostly just babies.  That might sound nice to some but I’m not a big fan of kids and being surrounded by them all the time can be a little creepy.  We get more and more babies everyday and they don’t age so they just keep piling up.  The worst part is that this is going to go on forever.  There is no end in sight.  I feel like I have been here for a million years already and it’s probably only been a day.  I’m just hoping there’s a cooler section of heaven somewhere that I haven’t found yet.  I daydream about finding a door that leads to another room covered in christmas lights with a huge leather couch in the center with all my friends sitting on it.  There’s a big frosted mug of root beer waiting for me and the Beach Boys are there playing with Bill Murray doing some guest vocals.  But none of that is real.  Maybe someday, if I’m really, really good, I’ll get to go there.  Until then I’m stuck in heaven.

DRUMMER WANTED!!!

philcollins460
Are you ready to rock? Because we sure are! We are SWORDFORCE: a rock and roll band that’s ready to turn NYC on it’s head. You might remember our previous incarnation: CANDLEFIGHT. We decided to go in a new direction and thus gave ourselves a new name. We’ve been rehearsing for several months and are ready to make our triumphant re-entry into the world of professional rock music. All we need now is a drummer and that’s where you come in (provided you play drums). We are looking for a serious musician who is interested in becoming a major international rock and roll star. If you don’t want to be famous, don’t bother auditioning. If you don’t want to be on the cover of Rolling Stone, then please just stop reading. If you don’t like tons of pussy in your face all the time, then please just stay home (unless you’re gay, in which case that’s totally cool man and we totally get it.  SWORDFORCE is an equal opportunity rock entity and will not discriminate. We are sure there will be tons of homosexual penises in your face too). Ready to change your life forever? Then please, take a seat! Or should we say stool. A drummer’s stool!

We are heavily influenced by Led Zeppelin, Motorhead, the Clash, the Who, the Catcher in the Rye, the Great Gatsby, and Frankenstein (the doctor, not the monster).

We are not influenced by Genesis, Peter Gabriel or Phil Collins. We’re not sure who keeps saying that we sound like Genesis because we don’t. Just because our drummer happens to sing doesn’t make us Genesis.  Which reminds me, you have to be able to play drums and sing at the same time because SWORDFORCE is one of those kinds of bands whose drummer is also their lead singer, kind of like Genesis. However if someone asks, we are nothing like Genesis.

Upon arrival to the audition please bring your own drum kit and mic with amp. Be ready for the unexpected. We will be testing you on your musical skills first and formost. Second, we will test how cool you are through a series of questions involving some of our favorite inside jokes. If you think they’re funny, you’re in. However, we might throw in some decoys, so be careful what you laugh at. Thirdly, we’ll be seeing how you work with children. We will leave you with Dan’s girlfriend’s kid while we go check out this party in Queens. We probably won’t be back until late but don’t worry, there’s plenty of formula in the fridge, and if he starts to cry just read him one of the Kuzzle Bear books. He loves those. Well, I think that’s it. You’re welcome to anything in the fridge and we just got a flat screen tv, so have fun with that. We’ll call you just to check in but our number’s on the baby if you need to contact us.  Alright, let’s see what you got!.

WE GOOFED!

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It is on this momentous day in our countries history that we, The Chicago Daily Tribune, must actually print a retraction.  Late last night, we made a last minute call and declared that Governor Dewey had defeated President Truman and thus become the United States president elect.  We must now retract that announcement.  Dewey did not in fact beat Truman last night.  As it turns out neither of those men were running for president.  Upon further research we found that those guys aren’t even alive anymore because that election was like 80 years ago.  The race was actually between Barack Obama and John McClain (which apparently everyone knew about but me and my staff.  Sorry but we can’t all owns laser disc players that give us all our news).  We feel really dumb about this one.  Seriously, I really didn’t want to go back into work today. My kids won’t even look me in the eye. It’s not even like a funny goof, like when you accidently put on your wife’s jacket and everyone laughs.  No, this is a bad goof.  This is a “things got a little out of hand when we were wrestling and now he’s not breathing anymore” goof.  We apologize for our mistake.  The article now reads “OBAMA DEFEATS TRUMAN”.  And what a defeat it was!  Actually my sources are telling me now that this is a historic win because Obama’s running mate, Joe Biden, will now become the very first white vice president in our nation’s history.  That’s the news for now.  I have to go and pack up my belongings.  God Bless America.