Bottomless

A space pirate like me doesn’t have a very long life expectancy.  We don’t always have a clever way to escape a jam like in the comic books.  Lord Glare had set the perfect trap and I walked right into it. What I thought was your run of the mill strip club called “The Bottomless Pit” turned out to be an actual bottomless pit.   I’ve been falling for six weeks now I think.  I screamed for two days straight before I calmed down and realized that I might be falling for a long time so I best save my energy.  Then I just got bored.   I slept for a while and had that dream again where I show up to work in my underwear.  Why don’t I ever notice that I’m in my underwear on my way to work?  It’s always me getting to work and then being like “Oh, shit! Why didn’t I wear pants?  I stopped and talked to that guy on the street for like three minutes and he didn’t even say anything.  This is not like me!”   It’s a relief to wake up from a terrible dream like that even when you wake up to more falling.  Finally mastered going to the bathroom in mid air though.  The first time I tried it I just got a lot of stuff in my mouth and ended up throwing up a lot.  Getting hungry.  They always leave that part out.  The real enemy  in a bottomless pit is the hunger.   Every once and a while  I’ll pass another person who is also falling.  I try to skip all the polite stuff like “How bout this fall, huh?” and just skip to ” I must eat you to survive!”

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So how does one keep a positive attitude when it’s clear that they will be descending into darkness for the rest of their life?  Well,  I don’t let it get me down.  So I got thrown down a bottomless pit, does that mean I have to stop living my life? Of course not,  I still have dreams after all! I’ve always wanted to be a real estate agent and I think there’s some real growth potential here in the bottomless pit (thinking about changing the name to Eternal Meadows.  Just sounds nicer).  Of course I mentioned the idea to another guy who was also falling and now he’s  going to start a real estate business too.   Whatever, competition is a good thing I guess.  I’m hoping to get a Target built here soon so we can attract some families to the bottomless pit and really give this place a neighborhood feel.  I don’t have the ability to pick where I live, but maybe I can help make it a better place.

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Team Submarine Up In Them Internets

A couple quick things regarding our eventual Internet Takeover. First of, we (and by we I mean Steve) did a brief interview on The Sound of Young America’s blog. Nate couldn’t make it because he was too busy frenching hot babes (typical!) and getting cool haircuts (not so typical!) Read it here.

Also, a little while back we were interviewed on the The Comedy Nerds podcast. Hear that here or search “The Comedy Nerds” on iTunes.

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(Artist’s rendition of how these interviews went down)

“Correctamundo!” Now Available as MP3 Download

SquareCoverFor those of you who still haven’t purchased Team Submarine’s debut album Correctamundo!, you now have one less excuse. You can now purchase the album as an mp3 download and avoid those crazy shipping charges and unwieldy CD cases. Just point your browser here and click “Download Album.” Easy! And it’s still only $5!

And for you purists out there, you can still purchase the physical CD and get a limited edition Nate or Steve button and a hand-drawn piece of artwork. But hurry! Because supplies are running out very, very slowy!

Love Kindling

It seems like the only thing anybody cares about these days are Kindles and pornography. So as always, I figured I’d ca$$$$h in on this by combining literature and pornography. I swear this has never been done! Look for these titles coming soon (or should I say “coming suun”) to your Kindle:

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Finally, A Video Game For Lazy People

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Video games aren’t just for kids anymore. In fact, many adults now use them as an escape from the stress of their daily lives. But what about those who don’t do much of anything? The independently wealthy, the pot heads and the just plain lazy? Where’s their escape from the grips of procrastination and apathy? Introducing Productivity: The Game! This multi-player game allows you to inhabit a world where you can do all the things you put off doing in real life. Challenges include: paying your phone bill, going to the dentist, calling your mother, writing your congressman, balancing your checkbook and many, many more. The best part of Productivity: The Game is that it’s all in real time, which means the level where you help your friend move will take just as long as if you actually helped your friend move. Imagine the sense of accomplishment you will have once you beat the level that includes you finally reading The Kite Runner (actually we couldn’t get the rights to The Kite Runner so we created a reasonable facsimile called The Kite Jogger. You’ll love it!). Now you can finally hit the gym, apologize to an ex-girlfriend, and do some volunteer work all from the comfort of your own couch. Accomplish everything and enjoy the feeling of not being a loser… in the game, not in real life.

The Relationship

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Six years ago I was on a routine mission to Mars when I was attacked by an alien life form. It burrowed it’s head inside me and immediately began living off my bodies nutrients. Doctors said that removing the creature would mean certain death for both of us. Without any choice, the two of us were forced to live together and have the whole thing filmed for VH1. At first it was tough, we couldn’t agree on anything. The alien hated it when I would have ketchup with my eggs and I hated it when the alien’s subconscious would bleed into mine and I’d have to witness his entire race being violently destroyed over and over again. Sometimes we’d even argue about our roles in the relationship. He would yell things like: “You may technically be the host, but emotionally, you’re a god damn parasite.” I’m no angel either. I’m guilty of calling him a virus, a leech, a deadbeat, and a mooch. I was correct in calling him all those things and he didn’t take any offense to it, but I’d still feel bad. Then about two years ago we met with a couples counselor and she suggested that we try having a symbiotic relationship: one where we can both benefit. Since that day it’s been smooth sailing. I provide the alien with the basic nutrients he needs to survive and in return I’m losing touch with other human beings and I can only see things in infrared. Try sneaking up on me now!

Team Magazine

Nate, Steve and a handful of other people who are more successful than us recently wrote some goofs for a piece in Time Out Chicago. We’ve put together this image that blocks out what everybody wrote except us:

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But if you really want to read what everybody else wrote, you can do so on the Time Out Chicago website. That is, until we make an image that just blocks out what we wrote.