“I own three Superbowl rings god damn it!” Those are probably the last words that I will ever utter on national television. It’s true, I won a couple rings in my 14 year NFL career. I wear a different one every day, except on Sundays (that’s the day I wear my wedding ring). And the answer is “yes” I have tried to wear the rings on my penis but they wouldn’t fit. Not because my penis is too big though. I actually have a very small penis. No, my problem is shape. Back in 1991 a prostitute in Cambodia broke my penis in three different places. As you can imagine, it’s a little bit more difficult getting a championship ring on it now. Are you imagining?
Anyways, ten years after retiring, CBS Sports asks me if I’d like to try guest commentating. Within a week I was sitting in the box chatting it up with Greg and Phil. It started off fine, I complimented the teams but also mentioned things I thought they could work on. I predicted why flags were thrown and even tried out my own catch phrase (“You just can’t do that!”). It all started going down hill in the middle of the 3rd Quarter when Gumbel goes out of his way to mention my fumble in the ’87 AFC Championship. After watching the tape, I can see now that he was actually trying to pay me a compliment. That’s why I feel so bad about saying “Well, what the hell have you done with your life, Gumbel?” I don’t know why I said that. Or why I tried to push him out of his chair. Or why I yelled “Stay out of this Phil, this knife isn’t meant for you!” Which reminds me, I don’t know why I brought that knife. When I leave the house with a knife, sometimes I’m just like “Why are you taking this knife with you? You know if you take it you’re just going to spend all day looking for an excuse to use it.” That’s right about the time when security tackled me and I yelled the thing about the rings. I tried to get in one last “You just can’t do that!” but they’d already turned my microphone off.
Despite all that, I still think the Jets played a thinking man’s football game against the Chiefs on Sunday and I’m excited to see what their defense has in store for the rest of the season.
I hate to be the one to tell you this but heaven sucks. I spent my whole life being good so I could get in here. I went to church every week, only hung out with other good people, and hated anything I didn’t understand. Now I’m in heaven and it blows. For one, we’re constantly singing. Constantly. I can’t take it anymore. There are way too many of us to figure out any type of harmonies so it ends up just sounding terrifying. And the light! Have you ever hung out in a white room with the lights turned on as bright as can be? I feel like I’m in a music video. I can’t see anything. I’ve always got those weird worm things flying across my eyes because of all the light. Plus, this place is mostly just babies. That might sound nice to some but I’m not a big fan of kids and being surrounded by them all the time can be a little creepy. We get more and more babies everyday and they don’t age so they just keep piling up. The worst part is that this is going to go on forever. There is no end in sight. I feel like I have been here for a million years already and it’s probably only been a day. I’m just hoping there’s a cooler section of heaven somewhere that I haven’t found yet. I daydream about finding a door that leads to another room covered in christmas lights with a huge leather couch in the center with all my friends sitting on it. There’s a big frosted mug of root beer waiting for me and the Beach Boys are there playing with Bill Murray doing some guest vocals. But none of that is real. Maybe someday, if I’m really, really good, I’ll get to go there. Until then I’m stuck in heaven.
Living in the city, sometimes it’s hard to fall asleep at night. What with all the noise, the stress and the constant threat of panty-raids. But here are some exercises that may help put you to sleep.
Don’t count imaginary sheep – that’s stupid. And boring (total snorefest). Instead, count real sheep. Being in a city, I’ve got to walk at least fifty miles just to see one sheep (and that’s if I’m lucky). By the time you’ve counted 100 sheep, you’ll have walked thousands of miles and will literally collapse into a state of unconsciousness due to physical exhaustion.
Try taking a glass of warm milk and pouring it onto the floor. Use sleep as an excuse not to clean it up.
Don’t actually swallow any pills. That’d be dangerous, illegal and cool. Instead, try physically taking pills from someone. In general, pills are expensive – and people who have them are usually very protective of them (AND/OR ADDICTED TO THEM). If you try taking their pills from them, they’ll undoubtedly erupt in a fit of rage and smash you over the head with something – rendering you unconscious for up to twelve hours.
It’s been scientifically proven that after masturbating, you’ll feel so hollow and gross that the only way to escape judgment from yourself is by going to sleep.
This is what you look like when you sleep, IDIOT.
“Cool Runnings is hot, hot, hot!”
“You’ll be Runnings back to the theater to see this one again!”
“Jamaican me wanna see this movie again!”
“‘Run‘ for the whole family!”
“One Cool film!”
“These are some hilarious Fastafarians!”
“Cool Runnings is Cool Funnings!”
“This film bobsledded its way into my heart.”
“I Want (John) Candy!”
“Cool Runnings will cure any case of the ‘Mon’ days.”
“A Home Runnings!”
A space pirate like me doesn’t have a very long life expectancy. We don’t always have a clever way to escape a jam like in the comic books. Lord Glare had set the perfect trap and I walked right into it. What I thought was your run of the mill strip club called “The Bottomless Pit” turned out to be an actual bottomless pit. I’ve been falling for six weeks now I think. I screamed for two days straight before I calmed down and realized that I might be falling for a long time so I best save my energy. Then I just got bored. I slept for a while and had that dream again where I show up to work in my underwear. Why don’t I ever notice that I’m in my underwear on my way to work? It’s always me getting to work and then being like “Oh, shit! Why didn’t I wear pants? I stopped and talked to that guy on the street for like three minutes and he didn’t even say anything. This is not like me!” It’s a relief to wake up from a terrible dream like that even when you wake up to more falling. Finally mastered going to the bathroom in mid air though. The first time I tried it I just got a lot of stuff in my mouth and ended up throwing up a lot. Getting hungry. They always leave that part out. The real enemy in a bottomless pit is the hunger. Every once and a while I’ll pass another person who is also falling. I try to skip all the polite stuff like “How bout this fall, huh?” and just skip to ” I must eat you to survive!”
So how does one keep a positive attitude when it’s clear that they will be descending into darkness for the rest of their life? Well, I don’t let it get me down. So I got thrown down a bottomless pit, does that mean I have to stop living my life? Of course not, I still have dreams after all! I’ve always wanted to be a real estate agent and I think there’s some real growth potential here in the bottomless pit (thinking about changing the name to Eternal Meadows. Just sounds nicer). Of course I mentioned the idea to another guy who was also falling and now he’s going to start a real estate business too. Whatever, competition is a good thing I guess. I’m hoping to get a Target built here soon so we can attract some families to the bottomless pit and really give this place a neighborhood feel. I don’t have the ability to pick where I live, but maybe I can help make it a better place.
It seems like the only thing anybody cares about these days are Kindles and pornography. So as always, I figured I’d ca$$$$h in on this by combining literature and pornography. I swear this has never been done! Look for these titles coming soon (or should I say “coming suun”) to your Kindle:
Video games aren’t just for kids anymore. In fact, many adults now use them as an escape from the stress of their daily lives. But what about those who don’t do much of anything? The independently wealthy, the pot heads and the just plain lazy? Where’s their escape from the grips of procrastination and apathy? Introducing Productivity: The Game! This multi-player game allows you to inhabit a world where you can do all the things you put off doing in real life. Challenges include: paying your phone bill, going to the dentist, calling your mother, writing your congressman, balancing your checkbook and many, many more. The best part of Productivity: The Game is that it’s all in real time, which means the level where you help your friend move will take just as long as if you actually helped your friend move. Imagine the sense of accomplishment you will have once you beat the level that includes you finally reading The Kite Runner (actually we couldn’t get the rights to The Kite Runner so we created a reasonable facsimile called The Kite Jogger. You’ll love it!). Now you can finally hit the gym, apologize to an ex-girlfriend, and do some volunteer work all from the comfort of your own couch. Accomplish everything and enjoy the feeling of not being a loser… in the game, not in real life.