Tips For Falling Asleep

Living in the city, sometimes it’s hard to fall asleep at night. What with all  the noise, the stress and the constant threat of panty-raids. But here are some exercises that may help put you to sleep.

Counting Sheep
Don’t count imaginary sheep – that’s stupid. And boring (total snorefest). Instead, count real sheep. Being in a city, I’ve got to walk at least fifty miles just to see one sheep (and that’s if I’m lucky). By the time you’ve counted 100 sheep, you’ll have walked thousands of miles and will literally collapse into a state of unconsciousness due to physical exhaustion.

Warm Milk
Try taking a glass of warm milk and pouring it onto the floor. Use sleep as an excuse not to clean it up.

Take Pills
Don’t actually swallow any pills. That’d be dangerous, illegal and cool. Instead, try physically taking pills from someone. In general, pills are expensive – and people who have them are usually very protective of them (AND/OR ADDICTED TO THEM). If you try taking their pills from them, they’ll undoubtedly erupt in a fit of rage and smash you over the head with something – rendering you unconscious for up to twelve hours.

Masturbation
It’s been scientifically proven that after masturbating, you’ll feel so hollow and gross that the only way to escape judgment from yourself is by going to sleep.

sleep_lThis is what you look like when you sleep, IDIOT.

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One response to “Tips For Falling Asleep

  1. So much for sleep. I’m going to be reading your blog all through the night. 🙂

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