You may not know this, but I am a total adrenaline junkie. Seriously, I’ve blown dudes in alleyways for it and ruined most of my relationships because of it. Been in and out of rehab SIX times and still haven’t learned my lesson. But that’s beside the point! One of my favorite sources of getting that sweet adrenaline rush is hitting up amusement parks all summer. The only problem is, I’ve ridden so many roller coasters that they just don’t do it for me anymore. So I’ve come up with some new roller coasters of my own that are sure to give anybody that life-threatening rush.
THE FUTURE CRUSHER
It’s just like a normal roller coaster, except that when you get to the top, you receive a text message from your ex-girlfriend saying she hasn’t gotten her period since you broke up.
THE WRECKING BALL
On this coaster you only go at a moderate speed, but mid-ride you see an unattended toddler whose ball rolls into the street during rush hour, and you’re stuck in your seat forced to helplessly watch as he runs after it.
BATMAN RIDE OF STEEL
This is very similar to Six Flags’ “Superman Ride of Steel” except that on your way back down, you have to decide between saving a politician who could change your crime-ridden city OR saving your one true love (there’s only enough time to save one!)
THE GLASS MENAGERIE
On this rickety coaster, a stranger holds a pitcher of urine above your head the entire time while constantly whispering into your ear “Do you trust me?”
THE LIFE TAKER
Not actually a coaster, just a room where you are forced to fight another human being to the death. WHAT A RUSH!
See you in line!