Alright germs, quiet down. Apparently today is Sexual Awareness Day and all teachers must read from this curriculum about safe sex. Which is ironic because you guys are probably having more sex than me right now. Well, except for you Tyler. My daughter Ashley really seems to like you but I swear to God, if you lay one finger in her I will bury you in the ground. So here’s the basic gist of it: Some people say you shouldn’t have sex until you are married. My advice is to not have sex ever. I know it seems very exciting right now but sex is just a gateway drug that leads to kids and bills and marriage and college tuition. It never ends. There’s no such thing as safe sex. Nope. I have gotten my wife pregnant every time we’ve had sex. We have 26 children and I can only remember the name’s of the first five. Also: Do not buy condoms from the guy selling cologne on the street. They will be less like condoms and more like rubber gloves stolen from a hospital. Everything will smell like talcum powder and will turn you into a father at the age of 17. Condoms break every time. It’s a fact. They’re made out of 10% latex and 90% wishes. Liberals will try to tell you that there are alternatives to sex, like: frenching, making out, heavy petting or dry humping. None of those are safe either. You might start with some normal dry humping but it won’t be long before you start dry humping in the 69 position, dry humping doggy style, dry humping with the use of a strap-on, group dry humping, and biracial dry humping. I’ve even heard stories about phone dry humping and cyber-humping. It’s a slippery slope and that’s why abstinence is the best policy. If you have any questions I’ll be sitting in my office eating seven McDonald’s Apple Pies.
The Day The Gym Teacher Taught Sexual Education