Today marks exactly 18 years since the first time I successfully travelled through time. Since then I have used this amazing power to prevent several nuclear wars, helped find cures for many diseases and had a hand in thwarting the killing of Jane Kreese (who is just teaching kindergarten now but will someday lead us all in the war against the mutants). I have seen how it will end and witnessed the birth of time itself multiple times. One time I brought a girl on a date to see one of Beethoven’s early performances (She had a great time but on our trip back to the present we realized we didn’t have that much to talk about). I watched the extinction of the dinosaurs while on mushrooms (I don’t recommend that by the way, I freaked out pretty bad). I even got to observe what my future lineage will do with their lives (It turns out that putting off doing laundry til you’re down to your last pair of underwear is something that stays in my family for the next 12 generations).
Being able to see the delicate beauty of the past and the surprising outcomes of the future has changed my life forever. But to be completely honest, I’m just kind of bored with it now. Yesterday I used the time machine to avoid having a conversation with a guy on the street because I couldn’t remember if his name was “Craig” or “Greg.” A couple weeks ago the light in my bathroom burned out and I’ve been too lazy to go out and buy a new bulb. Instead I’ve just been traveling back in time and using the bathroom from a month in the past when my light still worked. It’s gotten so bad that if I want to watch a scene again in a movie, I’ll just go back in time to watch it with myself the first time I watched it. This actually takes longer than just rewinding the movie and I usually just end up building up the scene way too much to my past self. He’ll just say something like “Yeah, that was a pretty good scene. I don’t know if it warranted going back in time for but…” Then just to be sure, he will go back in time to watch the scene again and therefore build it up too much for his past self as well. This cycle will continue forever.
One time I told a buddy of mine that my biggest regret was that I never finished college. Then I realized how stupid that statement was seeing as how I owned a time machine and I could change anything! I fixed everything by going back in time and telling my buddy that my biggest regret was actually passing up on those Chili Peppers tickets. I know I’ll see them on their next tour but I heard that show I missed was unbelievable!