Self Help

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Taxes.  Work.  Relationships.  Diets.  Bills.  Success.  Family.  Cloning. You’ve got a lot to worry about in your life.  Sometimes it might feel like it’s all caving in on you.  But what if I told you there was a way to fix all your problems in one easy step?  You can.  Hello, I’m Mr. Dr. Adam Goldenberg (but please, just call me Mr. Dr.) and for the last two and half summers I’ve been teaching hundreds of people how to overcome life’s obstacles with my new book:  JUST IGNORE IT, IT’LL GO AWAY.  With my book you will learn how to circumcise any problem that comes your way, simply by pretending it’s not happening.

Meet Abby.  At the age of 22 her boyfriend got her pregnant and she was unsure if she was ready to become a mother.  But after reading JUST IGNORE IT, IT’LL GO AWAY, Abby found the courage to say “Baby?  What baby?  I don’t see any baby?”  Instead of wasting all of her time worrying about how to raise a child, Abby’s probably looking at snowmobiles online as we speak.  Jealous?

Meet  Kevin.  Last year Kevin injured his hand at work after trying to dislodge a piece of wood in the wood chipper by  attempting to “punch it out.”  At first the doctors were concerned that he would never be able to use his hand again but luckily Kevin had heard something about my book once on the radio or something and decided to “Just Ignore It.”  He spent the next year ignoring the pain as doctors feared the infection would only spread.  Then a funny thing happened that the doctors couldn’t explain: Kevin’s hand started to look better.  Then it started to look worse.  Then Kevin died.  But man, for a second we really thought things were looking good.

Life is full of surprises.  We can never predict what the future will bring.  For instance, I’m being sued a lot lately and have been forced to really practice what I preach.  I’m ignoring more things than ever and it’s taught me that the best thing you can do when you’re in trouble is to write another book.  So check out my new book: JUST MOVE TO MEXICO.   

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One response to “Self Help

  1. Alex Rydzewski

    Team submarine, you make my week when you write these things up.

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