Everything I Touch Turns To Farts

Over the last month or so I’ve noticed my life slowly sliding downhill.  I lost a big account at my firm which caused me to lose the promotion I was hoping for.  My wife is mad at me because I still haven’t brought the car in for a tune up because it keeps making this weird sound, like a donkey being threatened.  I told my doctor today that I feel like my migraines are getting worse.  The news he gave me was deafening.  Turns out everything I touch turns to farts.  That’s the prognosis.  I had to pay a $20 co-pay for him to tell me that.  Don’t you think I know that already?  My whole life!  My  whole life everything I’ve touched has just gone up in farts!  I wanted to be in a rock band, that was my dream.  When I was 17 I saved up all summer so I could buy an electric guitar.  When I finally got that guitar in my hot little hands I realized every song I tried to play just turned to farts.  My dad, trying to be encouraging, told me the farting was coming along really well.  “It’s not suppose to sound like farts dad, it’s suppose to sound like Smoke On The Water!”  I yelled.  “Sounds like farts to me” my dad shrugged.  As angry as it made me, he was right.  

I could try to go out and make something of this strange curse.   Maybe I could be some kind of magician.  In my act I’d take something promising, like a degree in architecture and then I’d just magically watch it all just turn to farts over the years.   When life gives me lemons, I just make farts.

Every time I try to meet someone new.  Every time I try to build an addition to the house.  Every time I try to relate to my own children.  Every time I try to burp.  It all just turns to farts.


2 responses to “Everything I Touch Turns To Farts

  1. ha! i LOVE farts! but this would indeed suck. “every time i try to burp.” you are cracking me up!

  2. Ruth, thank you. An important thing to know about me is that I write both kinds of comedy: farts and burps. A lot of comedians say you can only be in one camp but I disagree. I’m like Blade, I can walk in both worlds. Come to think about it, I’m exactly like Blade in every way possible.
    Steve Submarine

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