To all my ex-girlfirends, old bosses, bullies, and people who took advantage of me, this is for you!
Do I look familiar to you at all? Probably not. I might resemble the feeble Steve you once knew but I assure you I’m not him at all. I’ve changed. Like a snake shedding his skin, I have shed my old self. Forget the old Steve, that man is dead. The old Steve didn’t have a clue. He was always saying stupid things like “What band is this?” and “Do you only have Chunky?” The old Steve said “Sorry” every day. The only thing the New Steve© says on a daily basis is “Pass the pussy, please.” If I saw old Steve today I’d probably kick his little ice cream cone right out of his hand. That’s the other thing about the old Steve, what’s with all the ice cream, man? New Steve© doesn’t even know what ice cream is. In fact, New Steve© has never tasted water, that’s not his style. New Steve© dates girls for several years, makes them fall in love with him, and then fakes a suicide just to test how long they’ll go before they start dating again. Then when she’s on her first date, he walks in on them in a blood soaked shirt and says “How could you do this to me Becky?.”
Hey, hey, did you see that? Oh, you didn’t!? That’s because I’m too fast for you. The New Steve© is lightning quick! See that? No, of course you didn’t! In the time it took you to say “What? Where the-” I just checked the entire classifieds section and guess what? I might be buying a used Mazda!
The revolution is here. You can sit there thinking about old Steve and how quaint and likable he was while you twiddle your thumbs or knit some stupid sweater that reads “I’m afraid of progress.” Or you can get with the program and and ride the wave of bitch slaps and thumbtacks. I’m not sure what that means exactly, but it kind of sounds tough and New Steve© is still pretty new at this. Also, New Steve© is going to floss more and be better about emailing people back. Maybe try to do a sit-up or something.