You’re never gonna believe this, but I was at a yard sale the other day and purchased some gross old lamp. At least I thought it was a gross old lamp. Well, it was a gross old lamp. But it was also more! I started rubbing the lamp (DON’T ASK WHY, IT’S JUST SOMETHING I DO WITH EVERYTHING I BUY) and a genie came out of it! And just like they’re supposed to, he offered me three wishes. So of course I had to try what everyone tries and wish for a million wishes. And you know what? He granted it! What a cool genie, right? So I got one million wishes!
Long story short, I only have six left (but I do have six less than one million individually-wished bagels). And I need help deciding what to wish for. Here are the things I want:
- For Everclear’s “Father of Mine” to start playing every time I do anything.
- For Narnia to be real, but completely inaccessible (like, the door is at the center of a huge rock or something)
- To walk by David Bowie on the street, but not realize it’s him until too late.
- To own a pair of long johns that aren’t saggy in the butt.
- For Christmas only to happen on years that I’m ready for it.
- For someone to invent machine that can calculate simple math problems just by pushing a few buttons.
- The courage to tell my mailman to shut his trap.
- The ability to know what someone’s thinking just by asking them.
- A region-free DVD player that costs under $100.
- To always know when enough is enough.
- To say the darnedest things, despite being an adult.
- To find true love (“true love” is my nickname for my keys).
- To have cut the red wire instead of the blue wire.
- To stop “giving it up” at the drop of a hat.
- Killer Instinct (video game or instinct will both do).
- That I gave Soul Asylum’s “Hang Time” a little bit more of a chance.
- That I never rubbed that stupid lamp to begin with so I wouldn’t be faced with the hardest decision of my LIFE.
These are all pretty essential things and I really can’t chose six over the other. Your advice, please! Thanks! I really can’t wait to get these wishes over with so I can get this genie out of my life. He keeps eating all of my food and making moves on my sister. It’s like, dude, she’s 18 years old and you’re like five million years old. And will you get your futon out of my kitchen? Seriously, dude’s a fucking creep.