Most of our lives are spent hoping that we can trick others into thinking that we are desirable, fun, interesting, intelligent, sexy, cool people. Unfortunately, we aren’t. Sometimes we are weird, self conscious, dumb, selfish, boring, gross people. So how do we make people think otherwise? Age old wisdom says to just be yourself, which is terrible advice. We’ve already established that you don’t like yourself, so why the hell would you just be yourself now? No, the tricks to being cool are simple.
First, be aloof. Don’t talk. Ever. People create an idea of who you are before they even meet you. Don’t ruin that idea by talking. Think about it, who are the coolest people in the world? That’s right, mimes! Plus everyone knows that Teller from Penn & Teller gets all the pussy because he never says a word!
Secondly, create a mystique for yourself by being late all the time. People will wonder what cool things you’ve been up to and will only know that you fell asleep on the floor of the shower if you tell them (which is why we’ve eliminated talking). If you really want people to be fascinated by you, then my advice is to not show up at all. Don’t go. In fact, the only way to be completely mysterious is to never leave your house again. The party will be abuzz with questions like “Where’s that person I’ve never seen or talked to or heard about before?”
The third and most ultimate way to be cool is to die. Dying is a sure fire way to be remembered as the coolest person around. When was the last time you heard someone say “Did you hear that Kevin died? Man, that guy’s taste in movies was bullshit.” Never! Once you die, you are remembered as being cool forever. Think about it, who are the coolest people who ever lived: Ghandi, Jesus, Lincoln, Ed Norton. These are all people who were considered total lame-o’s until they died and now everyone wishes they could be them. The tricky part here is that you can’t kill yourself on purpose because that’s not cool at all. The best way to go about this is to fake your own death. But be careful because this opens a lot of pitfalls that will cause you to look very uncool. For instance, accidently killing yourself while you are trying to fake your own death is really uncool. You might as well be holding hands with your mom at the mall. Be careful. So let’s recap the three ‘D’s to being cool:
- Don’t Speak.
- Don’t Go Anywhere.
See you in cool town!