A Conversation With My 6th Grade Self

Hey, this might seem really weird but . . . I’m you at the age of 25, Steve. That’s right, I’m you 13 years in the future. I know mom and dad are going through a divorce and you’re having to start at a new school and that it really sucks. It’s rough right now but I want you to know that things are going to get a whole lot-Hey, are you even listening to me? Wait, are you thinking about how badly you want to hump the couch right now? You are aren’t you? Dude, pay attention, this is important stuff! I know it’s hard right now because you have to start at a new school so you don’t have that many friends-I didn’t mean it like that, I know you have some friends. Well no, camp counselors don’t count! Because you only see them in the summertime and they are paid to like you! Okay shit, sorry, that came out wrong. Oh yeah, you swear now, so that’s pretty cool, right? “Fuck” is probably the best. “Fuckface.” “Shithead.” Those are good ones. Yeah, you swear so much that you don’t even think about it anymore (unless you’re around Dad). Anyways, I know it’s hard not having many friends right now but-Me? Yeah, I’ve got friends. Well, I just moved to NYC so I don’t really have that many friends yet. It’s harder when you get older because people have girlfriends and jobs so they don’t really have as much time to just hang out. Yeah I know I just said it was going get easier but-Shut up, you don’t have more friends than me! You are me! Well, guess who’s had sex here? Me! That’s who! I have a girlfriend now and we go to the movies and hang out in her room all the time! I never have to hump the bed or make out with a magazine again! Oh, you haven’t done that yet? In a few months mom is going to start getting Victoria’s Secret catalogs all the time and you are going to be in heaven my friend. Wait til mom gets cable dude. See, life’s not so bad. No, you don’t become a skateboard champion. Sorry. But get this, you end up having McDonald’s with The Kids In The Hall. I’m serious! I know it sounds like a lie but it’s not. Why would I lie to myself? Well, I guess I do that now with my bank account sometimes but that’s not that point. Just keep your chin up, everything is going to be okay. Oh, one more thing, do not drink from that pepsi can in Josh’s basement. Yeah, I know you love Pepsi but it’s not Pepsi. It’s got really gross stuff in it, like spit and bugs and you gag for an hour. Don’t do it.

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4 responses to “A Conversation With My 6th Grade Self

  1. I think your 12 year old self would have been pretty psyched at the notion of the Twisted Spoke

  2. no one ever paid me to like you Steve

  3. is it bad that i want to hurt both of you?

  4. This is hilarious and brilliant, Steve.

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