Home Decorating

I decided to start redecorating my apartment, so I picked up some new furniture from IKEA. The furniture looks really nice when I ordered it on the website, but it arrived in a box and was COMPLETELY DISMANTLED. It’s like, c’mon IKEA, if I wanted to build my own furniture then I wouldn’t have dropped out of carpentry school six weeks before graduation! But you know what they say, when life gives you lemons, contact IKEA because you actually ordered a desk and have no idea why they would send you lemons. Do they even sell lemons?

So I dug out the instructions, and boy were they confusing! It’s like they were written in Spanish! And French! And German! And English as well! So eventually I just decided to give it the old college try and looked at my roommate’s desk. Looked pretty easy, right? Wrong! It took me eight hours, but I finally finished it with only a few minor injuries:

  • Three black eyes
  • A sprained ankle
  • A sprained cankle
  • A bruised penis
  • A broken heart
  • Nearsightedness
  • Panda eyes
  • Private eyes
  • “Private Eyes” by Hall and Oates
  • Tar lung
  • Sun burns
  • Thumb burns
  • Fun burns
  • Fun buns
  • Hamburger buns
  • A fear of open spaces
  • NAM Flashbacks
  • Sexual harassment
  • Divorce
  • The word “Penis” being written on my forehead
  • Age discrimination
  • A charlie horse
  • Horse shoes
  • Horse head
  • Horse hockey
  • Horse house
  • Horse horse
  • Horace Grant
  • What was this list about again?

But in the end it was all worth, because I finally have the desk I’ve always dreamed about. Thanks, IKEA!

student_deskUPDATE: After having the desk for about a week, I ended up trading it to my friend for some lemons. Go figure!

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