Last year I fell short on almost all of my new year’s resolutions.  I had dreams of quitting smoking and organizing my office.  I was going to be less argumentative and eat healthier.  A year later I realize that things have actually gotten worse; I’ve started smoking in my office and I find myself  yelling at cheeseburgers.  But maybe it’s not me, maybe it’s the resolutions.  We’ve got to be realistic with ourselves.  Set goals that are reasonable.  With that in my mind I’ve resolved to do things in 2009 that I know I can do. I’d appreciate it if you guys would all keep me accountable to these resolutions in the coming year.  Here goes!  In 2009 I resolve:

  • To stop yelling that “VHS is making a comeback” when I’m at the bank.
  • To try new things on the dollar menu.  
  • To keep my opinions about Shia Labeouf to myself (unless asked).  
  • To stop trying to impress girls by telling them that Total Recall is based on a true story. 
  •  To high five the bathroom mirror less.
  • To do more pushups.
  • To stop calling drugs: “pushups”
  • To kill a mockingbird.  Why not, right?
  • To get a cabin in the woods and finally finish the classic, all american blog I’ve always wanted to write.
  • To figure out which of my twin sons is which.
  • To finish my tattoo of the cast of Empty Nest.
  • To stop writing angry letters about journalistic integrity to Fangoria magazine. 
  • To only refer to 2009 as “The year I sat on the world’s face.”

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