Act fast!  I repeat, act fast!  I’m here at Big Kenny’s Auto-Land and Big Kenny has gone CRAZY!  He’s slashing prices on all 2008 models.  That’s right! Prices have been cut on all 2008 Honda, Volkswagen, Ford, KIA, Mitsubishi, Chrysler, and Chevrolet!  No sane person could possibly sell their cars at prices this low but Big Kenny has completely lost his mind!  Aside from this Gigantic Sale here at Big Kenny’s Auto-Land, he has also taken all of us hostage.  I’m under a desk on my cellphone right now.  He already shot a man in the leg “as a warning of what’s to come if we don’t cooperate with the Almighty Seeker.”  He said there’s a sad little boy that lives in his heart and he has to keep feeding him the screams of others.  I’m scared for my life, please come soon.  Also though, these prices are ridiculous.  He just sold a 2006 Honda Civic to a young couple for $2400 down as long as they promised they’d name their firstborn child after the Utah Jazz.  What a steal!  Oh god, he just came back inside.  He says he wants everyone to try to imagine the earth before the men of this world started tying their dicks together in a giant knot of flesh, power and self loathing.  The first one to imagine it gets O% financing on the new Mitsubishi Galant.  I’m imagining it but I’m afraid to raise my hand.  My husband will kill me if he realizes I passed up an opportunity like this.  Oh no!  Oh my god.  Oh god no!  He just carved the word “Traitor” into his stomach with a switchblade and said he doesn’t care if customers have poor credit, bad credit or no credit at all!  What the hell is going on?!  Nothing is making sense anymore.  He just promised me that if he doesn’t find me a four door sedan that I like then his preparation for the second coming of the Golden Fang means nothing.  So get on down to Big Kenny’s Auto-Land before Kenny comes to his senses and ends this sale or stops yelling “the blood rodent will finally find his bride!”


  1. Hey, I realize that life in the big city is kinda rough, but don’t you think your last few posts have been kinda mean-spirited? I mean how is this funny? the way the holocaust was funny?

    It reminds me of early David Sedaris. I hate early David Sedaris. It makes me sad and lonely and hopeless.

    EDIT-I guess the only ones I’ve read were the really mean ones that others posted on facebook. (“life pranks” being particularly brutal). Which I guess means they were popular. Which I guess shouldn’t be surprising in a country that tortures the innocent with the full blessing of its citizens. So go for it, dudes! I’m old and wrong. It’s funny to kill, maim, and humiliate. Mea fucking culpa.

  2. Erik, for once can we just leave early David Sedaris out of this?


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