Some of you may recall that I got a new job some months back (if you never read about it, you may want to before reading any further). Well, let’s just say that my boss kept HOUNDING me and I ended up in the DOGHOUSE. But after six weeks of unemployment, I’ve finally found work. I can’t say I like it as much as my old job, because most of the employees are judgmental assholes who only care about themselves. Let me introduce you to them.
This is Mila, the secretary. Total wench. My first day there I tried to introduce myself to her and she was all like “We don’t get paid to socialize.” Geeze, lady! Put your claws away! LITERALLY! So I retaliated by saying “I didn’t realize they were hiring FERAL CATS at this office!” We haven’t spoken since. Oh, by the way Mila, HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO CATCH THAT MOUSE?
This is Wafer, the new guy. He’s alright, I guess. The only thing I have against him is that he’s barely out of college and already makes twice my salary! When I found that out, all I could say was “You have got to be KITTEN me!” I mean, that’s a lot of SCRATCH. How is that even PAWSible? He also smokes about eight packs of cigarettes a day. He coughs all the time and when I tell he should quit, he just responds with “IT’S PROBABLY JUST A HAIRBALL.” And I’m all like “Yeah, a malignant hairball!”
This is Mike, the IT guy. He’s probably about to get fired (ABANDONED) because every time he tries to fix my computer, he just swats at the ethernet cable for an hour and then falls asleep on the modem! And then he has the nerve to tell me I wasted his time. Not to mention he’s always calling in sick and saying he has a (CAT SCRATCH) FEVER. But I know he’s FE-LYIN’, I mean talk about a tall TAIL (tall tale)! Are you FUR REAL (FOR REAL)? I hope he’s able to get a good REF-FUR-ENCE (REFERENCE) so he can find a new job. But I’m sure he’ll LAND ON HIS FEET.
Don’t even get me started on Jammer! He works in CATStomer service and is the office “funny guy.” He’s always playing these awful pranks on people, as you can clearly see in the picture. Hey, Jammer! That’s my INBOX, not your LITTER BOX you sick fuck! But I have to admit, it was pretty funny when he put CATNIP in the coffee pot. Mila got so stoned that she actually tried to eat her COMPUTER MOUSE (hence my comment from before). It was a CATASTROPHE (CATASTROPHE). Man, Jammer was having the time of his (NINE) LIFE(S).
And this a-hole is Bubastis. He runs the whole joint. I guess you could call him the PURR-ESIDENT (PRESIDENT) of the company. Talk about a FAT CAT! He’s always keeping TABBIES on his co-workers. Be careful, though. He may look fun to hang out with, but he’s actually a money laundering racist (NOTICE THE LACK OF BLACK CATS IN THE OFFICE). I know there’s Mila, but she’s only half black. And Bubastis didn’t even want to hire her, but had to because of aFURmative action (affirmative action)!
Then there’s this guy. He doesn’t even work here, he just shows up everyday and hangs out by the water cooler making moves on all of the women. And then whenever I ask him to leave he just moonwalks on my desk and laughs at me! Then he goes into the kitchen and just starts eating people’s lunches and telling them how good it tastes. And nobody wants to punch him in the face because they’re afraid he might be the bosses son! CATMAN!!!