Here’s a sample resume that you are welcome to use as a template for the next time you’re job hunting. Obviously you want to start by telling them your name and describing your physical features. These just happen to be mine but feel free to use them.
Build: I have the body of a very successful gamer
To obtain a position that will sound impressive at my high school reunion.
Summary of Experience
- Great with computers. I can play a game of solitaire without you even knowing it. In fact, I can play a game of solitaire without me even knowing it. I’m probably playing right now.
- Became president of a major company for a while because two old rich white guys made a bet.
- Editor at Runway Magazine (I played Meryl Streep’s character Miranda in my college’s stage production of The Devil Wears Prada)
- Opened and retained million dollar accounts.
- Went to prison for 3 years for “lying” about opening and retaining million dollar accounts
- Coined the phrase “Over here guys!”
- Wrote 6 episodes of ‘Herman’s Head’ fan fic before I even knew it was a show.
- Developed legally binding contracts that put me in possession of human souls (this mostly just worked in 3rd grade).
- Pretended a tennis racket was a guitar.
- Have “taken everyone down with me” at previous jobs.
I look “legal.” I am always “fashionably late.” I have two black friends (and yes I can tell them apart. One of them has a scar and that really helps. His name is Seal. Not that Seal. Wait you did mean the singer? Then yes, that Seal). I own a Ford Taurus wagon. It’s teal. I always tell people “This car is the Teal Deal.” I also do a great Christopher Walken impression: “Hello.” See, pretty good right?
I can’t say no to birthday cake (or meth). I also am very friendly. I know that doesn’t sound like a weakness but my friendliness actually stems from a deep seeded insecurity rooted in never really knowing my father.
If you’re like me then you don’t want to tell them about your old jobs because then they might want to call them. If they want references just give them the number for a chinese food delivery place. Employer’s love it when you goof on them like that and who doesn’t love chinese?!