Halloween Is About To Get A Whole Lot Spookier

I don’t know about you guys, but it’s been a good long while since I’ve really had a good scare on Halloween. The last time I can remember being scared on Halloween was when I was 14 years old and my dad put on a Freddy Krueger mask and explained to me in detail how I was conceived. But I think the problem is that all of these Halloween monsters (i.e. mummys) are just played out. I mean, maybe the first time I saw a pumpkin I got so scared that I blacked out for six days and woke up in the YMCA boiler room and couldn’t remember how to do math, but that was year ago! If Halloween wants to be scary again, then wee need some NEW MONSTERS. Something more terrifying than anything we’ve every seen before. And that’s exactly what I’ve done. But be warned! If you have any desire to sleep soundly within the next four years, point your browser elsewhere! Might I recommend here?

Now for the first monster, picture something as scary as Frankenstein, and then make it even scarier by making it GROSS. I now present to you…


Up next, picture something as scary as a Werewolf, but scarier. So scary, that it can only be called…


Okay, so there aren’t any pictures. Well unfortunately (fortunately, actually), these pictures are just too scary for the Internet. Even the latest version Firefox doesn’t have enough gigabytes to display how terrifying this is. The technology just doesn’t exist! So just think about something that is so scary that it can’t be seen by modern technology. Scared yet? Thought so.

And if you’re like me and are too old to go trick-or-treating and too young to just be okay with not going out for Halloween, then maybe you should try eating at these spooky restaurants:

  • Spooky Tuesday’s (Ruby Tuesday’s)
  • Spookybee’s (Applebee’s)
  • Outback Spookhouse (Outback Steakhouse)
  • TGI Spooky’s (Thank Ghosts It’s Spooky’s [TGI Friday’s])

It’s just like trick-or-treating, except instead of going from house to house and getting free candy, you go from restaurant to restaurant and pay $30 for a meal and diarrhea.

And here are a couple of other spooking things to scare you on Halloween:

This cat’s owner is positive that their cat loves them:

This guy is sleeping with your girlfriend.


3 responses to “Halloween Is About To Get A Whole Lot Spookier

  1. Ha ha, Dan got mad at me today when I described tonight’s ChUC Halloween show as “scare-larious.”

  2. “but that was year ago!”

    Jesus, I completely lost it when I read that. Thank you for that.

  3. That cat is an asshole.

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