One of my favorite things to do is go to Amazon.com and read one-star reviews of my favorite things (albums, movies, books, cook ware, etc.) It just interests me to see what can make someone have such strong a hatred for something that I love so much. Usually these one-star reviews are written by angry 16 year olds who got said merchandise on their birthday from a parent they were mad at. And thus it hardly ends up being a review at all and is instead more along the lines of “wTf, this is gaye. by st anger. METALLICA ROXXX!!!” thus further re-enforcing my excellent taste in cook ware.
So I thought that I’d show these kids how to actually write a bad review. And just to make things as unbiased as possible, I’ve decided to take one of my all-time favorite albums and do my best to tear it apart track by track. The album I’ve chosen is Weezer’s Pinkerton, an album I’ve owned since the 6th grade and still listen to regularly to this very day.
1. “Tired Of Sex” – This guy may be Tired Of Sex, but I’m TIRED OF THIS SONG. Next please!
2. “Getchoo” – They should change the name of this song from Getchoo to Can’tchoo (write a better song?) Next please!
3. “No Other One” – I’m just glad that there’s No Other One of this song. Next please!
4. “Why Bother?” – Hey, I’ve got a question about Why Bother? and that is, Why Bother writing this song? Next please!
5. “Across The Sea” – Wish this song was Across The Sea so I wouldn’t have to listen to it! Next please!
6. “The Good Life” – I was living The Good Life. That is, until I heard this song. Next please! (alternate: More like The Bad Life. Next please!)
7. “El Scorcho” – Not sure what the word “El Scorcho” means. It must be Spanish for “don’t listen to this song!” Next please!
8. “Pink Triangle” – No matter how hard I (pink) TRYangle, I just can’t enjoy this song. Next please!
9. “Falling For You” – Catchy tune. I like it!
10. “Butterfly” – I wish this Butterfly stayed in its cocoon. Next please!
So there you have it. The perfect bad review. And the best part is, in order to write a bad review, you don’t even have to listen to the album! I hope all you kids learned a thing or three about writing music reviews and will take it to heart next time you tear apart to something I love.