The upcoming election has unearthed a lot of secret bias and hatred in this country that usually remained buried beneath the surface. I myself have always tried to treat everyone equally but sometimes you just have to be honest about how you feel. Men with ponytails make my fucking skin crawl. Do what you want in the privacy of your own home, just don’t bring that rubbish into my job, my bar, or my general vicinity. Think about it, these sickos with their “Ponytail Parties” and their “Ponytail Music” are being accepted by our society. I even heard they’re going to have a new sitcom where the main character has a fucking P-tail! They’re infultrating something as precious as the situation comedy!
Back in high school I had to sit behind a kid with a ponytail and it nearly drove me to madness. At first I was excited, I was like “Sweet, I got a fine ass lady to look at all day, she’ll be all over me once I give her my famous jelly fish fingers super massage.” But before I could start working my magic, this pimply, burned out excuse for a man turns around and has the nerve to offer me an Altoid. EXCUSE ME?! So with all the righteous anger I could muster, I slapped that tin of mints flying across the room and proclaimed: “Ponytails hang above a horse’s ass, and that is precisely what you look like right now, you foolish half-male.”
Look, I’m trying to be better though. When a p-tail sits down next to me on the bus, I don’t mumble to myself about “gentrification” anymore. I go to a meetings every Tuesday night for my problem. Once, one of those types came into talk to us about his lifestyle. It’s funny, he and I actually had a lot in common. He wears sneakers and blue jeans, he likes The Eagles, and he even likes sports teams, just like me. And for a moment, I thought maybe we we weren’t that different after all. But then, of course, he started in with the pony-tail speak. How easy it is to simply “put it through the back of a baseball cap.” How sometimes when he’s nervous, he puts it his in his mouth. He puts his hair in his fucking mouth! But when he started in on how much his girlfriend loves his hair when he puts it down, well that’s when I had to leave…for his sake, because just then God himself was telling me to pummel this horse-haired assmaster into the fucking ground. I didn’t though. I walked away. And with that, I know I’m getting better. Please pray for me. But more importantly, pray for them.