Making The Perfect Mix Tape

It’s hard to make the perfect mix tape that’ll really sweep a girl off her feet. But if you follow these simple steps, it’s a surefire way to impress that special someone.

  1. Start off strong. Choose a song that just comes right out and says how you feel. A song that says “I love you and want to be with you forever.”
  2. Track two is crucial, it needs to be a song that says something like “Hey, sorry if I came on too strong before. Didn’t mean to freak you out, I’m just a little nervous and I really like you.”
  3. For track three, pick a song that says “Well, maybe we should get to know each other a little bit. Maybe you’d like me too if you just got to know me. I’m a really cool guy.”
  4. Now put on a song that’s a little more experimental, something she hasn’t heard before. A song that just screams “You have a boyfriend? Oh, really? What’s his name? How long have you been together?”
  5. Next, a try a simple song that says “Why is it taking you so long to answer these questions? If you’ve been together for as long as you say you have, you should know this stuff right off the top of your head. I call bullshit.”
  6. We’re a little more into the tape now, so it’s time to start getting a little more personal and specific, with a catchy tune that says “It doesn’t matter how I figured out where you live. Just chill out and give me a chance, okay? Don’t be such a snob.”
  7. Next up you want something classic. Something that says “You can’t prove that was me outside your window. You can’t prove anything. And so what if I call you up at 2:00 AM, breathe into the phone and then hang up. That’s my right. Why are you being so weird about this?”
  8. Now for a song that subtlety tells the lucky lady “I’ll take my mask off if you stop crying.” (Hint: I think there is a Seal song with these exact words)
  9. Track nine is crucial. It needs to be fun, change the mood up a little bit and say something like “Officer, this is all just a big misunderstanding. If you’ll just put your weapons away I can explain everything. I mean, you know how women are, right?”
  10. Then something that says “I don’t have to say anything without a lawyer present! And where’s my phone call? I can’t believe you called the cops on me, Karen! I cannot believe it! This is so typical of you!”
  11. We’re getting close to the end now so we want something epic. Something monumental, something that resembles the sound of love, the sound of hope, the sound of excitement, the sound you fighting six police officers and then getting tasered and thrown into the back of a squad car.
  12. For the final track, you want to end on something really special.  If you’re a musician, I recommend putting an original song here. If you’re not a musician, three to four minutes of heavy breathing should do just fine.
And that’s it. Just Follow the steps and she’ll be as good as yours as long as you remain at least 50 feet away from her at all times. But if this whole mix tape tape thing seems a little old-fashioned to all of you kids in the digital age, you may want to try wooing her with a mix iPod (nano). That way, you can include thousands of songs, movies and videos of her sleeping.
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