Learn To Play The Guitar!

Want to learn to play the guitar? Perfect! Because I want to teach you!

My name is Matt Snaith and I’ve been playing the guitar since I was nine* years old. I’ve studied under some of the greatest musicians of our time.** Whether you’re a beginner or an advanced player, I can help you improve your skills!*** I can teach you how to play and even how to read music.**** Prior to teaching, I was a touring guitarist***** but now I’m looking to settle down. I’m the perfect guitar instructor – knowledgeable, experienced, patient****** and excited to teach.******* Don’t have a guitar? No problem!******** We can meet at your place, or you can come to where I live.********* My schedule is flexible,********** so we can easily figure out a time to meet. So what are you waiting for? Give me a call*********** and let’s get started!************

*************

*I wasn’t so much playing when I was nine, but I did throw up on my dad’s guitar after I saw the woman with three boobs in Total Recall.

**His name was Snake Dolenmayer and he lived on my neighbor’s couch. Supposedly he played guitar for Santana. Like, when you listen to a Santana album, it’s not actually Santana playing – it’s Snake. Santana just lip-syncs, but with a guitar instead of his mouth. The guy’s just a pretty face that they use to sell records, but all the talent belongs to Snake Dolenmayer. At least that’s what he told me before he knocked me unconscious, stole my VCR and sold it to buy heroine.

***By advanced, I mean being able to play two chords. I know three chords.

****Lyrics. I can teach you how to read lyrics (it’s a lot like reading a book or a recipe)

*****Back in ’98 I went to four different Guitar Centers in one day.

******Okay, I’m just gonna put this out there and be up front with you – I’ve been arrested four times for punching waiters in the face when they took too long getting my iced tea. But that was weeks ago and I’m in therapy now, so everything should be fine. But seriously, how long does it take to make an ICED TEA? You’d think I asked them to file my taxes or something. Oh yeah, I also punched my accountant in the face when he took too long filing my taxes.

*******To be completely honest, there are about a hundred other things I’d rather do. But there’s this loan shark who’s literally going to murder me if I don’t get him $5,000 by the end of the month. My original plan was to just sell my VCR for $5,000 but someone really screwed that up for me. I’m really in a bind here and hope you can help me out. Each lesson costs $5,000.

********PROBLEM. I also don’t have a guitar. Pawned it for $12. I meant to use the money to help pay off my debt, but there was a Pizza Hut right next door to the pawn shop. Seriously, what’d you expect me to do? I’d like to see YOU walk by a Pizza Hut with $12 cash in your pocket and NOT go in.

*********Don’t really have a “place” right now. I’m kind of on-the-lamb. Would it be cool if I crashed at your place? That’d make lessons easier for everyone. I’ll also help wash dishes, sweep the floor and try not to creep out your girlfriend/sister/mom/whatever.

**********Available anytime between 2:00 PM and 4:00 PM on even-numbered Wednesdays.

***********Don’t really have a phone, but I usually hang out around the Watertown Mall food court. Just stand around Panda Express and odds are I’ll walk by eventually. You’ll recognize me because I usually wear a blue shirt and jeans.

************Seriously, if you don’t do this, I will most likely be dead within two weeks. You don’t want that on your conscience.

*************This isn’t actually me in the picture, but it’s a pretty good representation of what the lessons will look like: You’ll sit there holding a guitar and avoiding eye contact while I wave my arms around trying to explain to you how messed up the electoral college is.**************

**************This will cost you an extra $4,000.

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