Wanted: Orgy Coach

I just posted this on Craigslist, but figured I’d repost here to see if anybody can help out. Let me know if you’ve got any leads!

Wanted: Orgy Coach

For the past year or so, me and all of my Internet friends meet once a week for a good ol’ fashioned orgy. I know, it sounds all good and fun, but here’s the thing: We’re terrible at it! We have absolutely no idea what we’re doing. Last night during our love pile, something didn’t seem right. So I decided to turn on the lights, only to see Alan attempting to make love to a lamp, Diane trapped under the coffee table, and Mike was absolutely covered in cereal! And about five others were huddled in the corner naked and crying. Some orgy! We’re just a bunch of rag-tag misfits who are passionate about this art/sport, but don’t have the skills to back it up. This is where you come in!

We need someone who’s experienced and knowledgeable about orgies, someone who can choreograph this whole thing for us and tell us who belongs where, who fucks who, what kinds of masks we should wear (these Storm Trooper ones have not been working) and especially to help us figure out where one person ends and another one begins. Oh, and to make sure that everyone turns off their cellphones before we start! Nothing kills a boner like Stan and Michelle getting a call from their daughter right in the middle of everything saying she needs a ride home from work.

We’d probably meet twice a week. The first time would be for a quick rehearsal. Just a dry run to work on positioning and choreography – clothes stay on, nobody cries. And then Fridays would be the hardcore group fuck, followed by Pizza at Uncle Mario’s (optional).

And here are some things that you should be aware of before contacting us:

  • You are coaching only. Don’t think of this as a way to work yourself into an orgy, you should want to do this simply for the sake of the art/sport.
  • We don’t allow butt stuff or pets, but other than that we’re pretty much no holds barred. Things will get weird.
  • All mood music must be pre-approved. We had an incident last month where Debbie just sprung some nu-metal bullshit on us and it totally ruined everything.
Also, this December is the annual New York State Orgy Competition. The Pi Sig group is going to be there again and they win every year and make us look like complete fools. Last year they released a bag of 200 bees right into the middle of our orgy! But this year we’re ready for them. We’re gonna win and show those jerks just what you can accomplish with passion, hard work, dedication and eight gallons of lube.
And just so you know what you’re working with, here is a picture of what went down at our last orgy:
Clearly, we have no idea what we’re doing. We also have no idea who took this picture. But if you know who it was, please kindly ask them to stop blackmailing us.
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2 responses to “Wanted: Orgy Coach

  1. nothin’ tops off a soft warm “pretzel” like a little “sugar” and then some “salt”…

  2. Hey Jamar,
    “Thanks” for the comment that I don’t understand. And thanks for demonstrating that quotation marks can make any normal sentence seem sexual and gross.

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