Missed Connections

YOU: Beautiful, brunette college girl. Very smart. I detect that you might have some secret family issues and you haven’t really met the right guy yet.  Incredibly resilient and a great runner.  Love to watch you run.

ME: Tall 6′ 7″ In pretty good shape (but could lose a few). Very quiet. Masked.  Always carrying a chainsaw. Heavy Breather.

Not sure if you remember me or not but I killed all your friends in high school two years ago.  Almost got you too but you did this really tricky thing with a mirror and I ended up falling off a cliff.  Wish somebody had taped that because it would have probably been huge on youtube. Then last year I killed all the new friends you made while you were working at that summer camp.  Almost killed you again, but you my friend are very handy with a crossbow.  You are F.O.S (that stands for: Full Of Surprises).  Anyways, I was just thinking that you’re in college now and have probably met a whole new set of friends that I would love to meet and then kill.  In case you still don’t know who I am, people call me “The Mangler.”  Hey, you can’t choose your nick name, right? Wait, can you?  What the fuck?  Ok, from now on I want people to call me BurgerTime. Anyhoo, by the time you actually finish reading this you’ll probably realize that I’m standing right behind you.  Shit, why did I say that?  I’m usually so good with surprises.

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