YOU: Beautiful, brunette college girl. Very smart. I detect that you might have some secret family issues and you haven’t really met the right guy yet. Incredibly resilient and a great runner. Love to watch you run.
ME: Tall 6′ 7″ In pretty good shape (but could lose a few). Very quiet. Masked. Always carrying a chainsaw. Heavy Breather.
Not sure if you remember me or not but I killed all your friends in high school two years ago. Almost got you too but you did this really tricky thing with a mirror and I ended up falling off a cliff. Wish somebody had taped that because it would have probably been huge on youtube. Then last year I killed all the new friends you made while you were working at that summer camp. Almost killed you again, but you my friend are very handy with a crossbow. You are F.O.S (that stands for: Full Of Surprises). Anyways, I was just thinking that you’re in college now and have probably met a whole new set of friends that I would love to meet and then kill. In case you still don’t know who I am, people call me “The Mangler.” Hey, you can’t choose your nick name, right? Wait, can you? What the fuck? Ok, from now on I want people to call me BurgerTime. Anyhoo, by the time you actually finish reading this you’ll probably realize that I’m standing right behind you. Shit, why did I say that? I’m usually so good with surprises.