As I’m sure you have already heard, I’m not gay anymore. It was an amazing six years of fun, dancing, laughing, being myself and meeting new friends. However, with the help of the ‘Reverse The Curse’ organization, I have found a way to totally suppress all of my homosexual urges. For instance, last night at work I overheard a few of my co-workers talking about season six of Buffy and I wanted to chime in so badly with this amazing burn on Angel I had ready. But I took a moment, asked God to help me remember who I really am now and then cried in the bathroom for twenty minutes. Anyways, my coming out party six years ago was tighter than Madonna’s new face (which I say: Good for her. She deserves a make over. Go Madge!) and my next party is going to be even crazier. I’m having a “Going Back In” party and you’re all invited (except Tori from my old job. Maybe you’ll think twice about being such a bitch to me when I’m just trying to tell you that table 8 has been waiting for over ten minutes for their diet pepsis)! The night will start with me saying goodbye to my old life style by dancing to all my favorite songs! The first three songs will be performance pieces I have planned with my best friend Clinique, but after that you’re all welcome to join in. When the dancing ends I will say farewell to everyone, wave goodbye and then literally go back into the closet. The deacons from Reverse The Curse will then lock the closet door, symbolizing the choice I’ve made to remain forever confined. The lights will slowly go down and smoke will fill the room. But then I’ll bust out of the closet for one last song because that was just the costume change, bitches! I’m like Cher, I might say I’m doing a farewell tour but you know I’m coming back again! I can’t be stopped once you get me started. But then, seriously, after that I’m changing my evil ways and getting married to a nice, adequate, tolerable woman. Right now I have my eyes set on this lovely lady. She even seems to like music.
See you at the party! I mean: See you at the party. Reverse The Curse has told me that exclamation marks are tokens of my old lifestyle and must be cast away. It falls into a long list that includes baths, sandals, HBO, true love, nice smells, and any form of self expression.