It has recently come to my attention that some employees have been making use of the company machines extremely inappropriately. These actions need to end immediately or termination will follow. I repeat: Company machines are to be used for work purposes only. This is not the first time I have dealt with this kind of behavior; in the past people have used the Xerox machine to make copies of their buttocks or perhaps even their genitals. However, for some reason you anonymous few apparently find it infinitely humorous to make copies of other appliances. The custodian said he found over a hundred Xerox copies of what appears to be a coffee machine. How is that funny? Where is the humor in putting a coffee machine in the copier? 

I have also heard rumors of people trying to copy ideas. Literally thinking of an idea like “SHARING” and trying to place it on the copy tray. Now, we are all for boosting morale here at Kloobie Inc., however, trying to replicate an idea or a feeling in a tangible form, is just plain silly. It isn’t possible nor is it an appropriate use of company time. The IT department also reported some emails going around that some of you intend on trying to Xerox copy one of the other Xerox copiers. Please do not attempt this. It will most definitely end with one or even both copiers getting broken rather than what you may anticipate happening: multiple copiers.

Kloobie Inc. wants all of its employees to feel like creative units. With this in mind, we will be installing a company dreamcatcher in the break room. This will be an appropriate vehicle for all your day-to-day fits of fancy and whimsical merriment. However, all dreams should be work related and yet have nothing to do with other coworkers unless it has to do with progress, timeliness, or productivity. Please remember to be courteous and do not force any dreams into the dreamcatcher.

Elliot Paul, Assistant Manager

PS: We are lead to believe that there has been some misuse of the fax machines. Stop sending knives through the fax machines. Apparently it is working and has already injured several employees at our sister branch. Thank you.


One response to “SUBJECT: STOP IT.

  1. Aww poor quarantined copy machine. However, totally inspiring, and xerox anthropomorphism may start to pop up all over my office soon.

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