THE SEXPLAINATION

Karen and I have been dating for 5 wonderful weeks.  However, something a little odd happened in the bedroom a few nights ago.  In the middle of our rendezvous, she started calling out the name “Steve.”  At first I was like “Oh yeah, she’s loving this!  I am like the president of her vagina!”  But then I remembered her last boyfriend was also named Steve.  I stopped immediately and asked her to explain.  She said that I was being ridiculous and after a lot of hugs and tears over several bowls of Total Raisin Bran; I realized I was being a little silly and we went back to having sex (if you know what I mean).  Then she started screaming “Oh, Steve from 2005.  Oh, Steve from 2005!”  Hold up!  You could almost hear the record scratching in the room.  Now I was definitely onto her because we had only just met in July of 2008.  I was furious.  But then she explained that she had a huge time machine fetish and loved to fantasize about what I was like three years ago.  Well, say no more!  That was the kind of role playing I could get into.  I started to imagine us if we had known each other in 2005 and things got HOT!  I thought about how excited we’d get when Usher featuring Lil Jon & Ludacris won a Grammy for best Rap Song (Yeah!), how sad we’d get when we learned of the passing of Johnny Carson, and how indignant we’d get when we discussed how much PETA fumbled the Hurricane Katrina relief.  It was sizzling! But just as I was about to hang my chad, she starts yelling out “The Other Steve!  The Other Steve!  Not the one I’m having sex with but rather a completely different Steve all together.  In fact, any other Steve other than the one I’m having sex with right now!”  Well, I had had just about enough.  I got up to leave and she begged me to stay.  I never wanted to see her again.  Then she explained that it was a big misunderstanding: she just likes to think about any one but me during intercourse.  That’s when I asked myself: Who am I to judge? We all have our quirks in the bedroom.  For instance, when we’re making/creating love, I like to think about spending the rest of my life with her, but that’s just the sick shit that gets me off.

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