I don’t know what happened, but a couple of days a go I was feeling L-U-C-K-Y (that spells “LUCKY”), so I decided “What the hay” and headed on down to the horse track. Now this may sound cliche, but I decided to put all of my life’s savings on a single horse in a single race based strictly on its name. To clarify, that’s $4.00 on a horse named “Shitbag.” And you know what? Good ol’ Shitbag won! And thus I was the proud owner of a crisp $8.00 bill (hello, Mr. Buchanan!)
You know, I’ve always told myself “if I suddenly come into a whole bunch of money, I’m not just gonna keep it all to myself, I’m going to help better the world with it!” I thought I was staying true to that, but in retrospect, I’m not sure how buying a box of Fruit Roll-Ups and three cans of Sprite bettered the world (but it sure as hell bettered my day). And if you can’t stay true to yourself, who can you stay true to? I decided I should try to win some more money that I could do good things with. So back to the races I went! But because I didn’t have any money left, this time I had to use other things to place my bets. So I went up to the bookie and put down my grandfather’s pocket watch, the deed to my house, my high school yearbook, and most of my dignity. Likewise, I put it all on Shitbag. And you know what? He LOST! Then the thought of having to give up my high school yearbook put me into such an intense rage that I blacked out and when I came to I was on the tracks trying to fight all of the horses! I managed to take a few of them out with some uppercuts and body slams, but eventually I was overwhelmed and had to get out of there. So I jumped on the back of the nearest horse and rode off.
I learned an important lesson in all of this, but then I saw this happen and forgot what that lesson was:
Me and Shitbag after totally pigging out on Sprite and Fruit Roll-Ups (guess which one is me!)