I’ve been working for the NYC bomb squad for 14 years now. Seen a lot of my friends die in the line of duty. Tommy Kardulous. John Warmington. Charlotte Pickering. Kenny Barlow. Those are just a few of the friends I lost (who owed me money). It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been doing this, when you see that timer ticking away, your head starts pounding as you ask yourself: “Which wire do I cut? Is it the red wire or the blue wire?” Well, let me remind everyone right now:
IT’S THE RED WIRE! ALWAYS CUT THE RED WIRE!
Why do we have such a hard time remembering this? I put up a poster that just said: “Cut the Red” but everyone said I put it up too high and it was hard to see. So I came up with a fun song to help everyone remember: “If you want to go home, you’ll leave the blue alone.” It’s easy. But everyone complained it wasn’t catchy enough. So I hired a song writer to help me write a better melody. We came up with: “Red and Blue. Red and Blue. Dance with me tonight!” The guys in the squad loved it. Though we ended up changing the lyrics from “Red and Blue” to “Ed and Stu” because Eddie Burcheck and Stu Meyers are the big music lovers in the squad and would probably be the first to start dancing. Even with the catchiest hooks and the coolest lyrics, good men are still dying (who owed me money. Seriously, how long do you think I should wait before I ask their widows about my money? Two weeks?) Just remember: “If it’s blue like a flame, you should cut it just the same.” Wait, no. “If it’s red like a flame, you should-SHIT!” Here we go: “If it’s red like the flag you should preserve it like your dad.” No, that doesn’t make sense either. Ok here we go, “If you’re having trouble deciding between blue or red, just cut them both instead.” I think that’s it. No, wait. That will also end with everyone dying. I have the worst memory with these kinds of things. I can never remember actor’s names either. Who is that guy who always plays cops in 80’s movies? You know who I’m talking about? This is going to drive me nuts. No, don’t google it I want to figure it out myself.