Fight, Fight, Fight

My first fight was in high school. Some punk kid was picking on me and had a pension for throwing raisins at my head. Well, one day I had had just about enough, pulled out a spoon and catapulted some of my rice pudding at him. SPLAT! Right in the nose. His cronies came to his rescue and started flinging their taco meat at me. They had power but no precision and that was their undoing because they accidently hit one of the cheerleaders behind me. She retaliated by launching all her tater tots in their general direction. It wasn’t long before the whole cafeteria descended into chaos. Food was everywhere. It was at that moment that I realized I had a gift.

A few years later I ended up in the middle of huge bar brawl in Chicago. I got into a argument with a bloke over some money he owed me, he threw the first pie, and things escalated quickly. I threw a pie of my own, he ducked and before I knew it, pies were flying like bullets from every direction in the bar. At one point, a really excited chef rolled out a giant cake, only for a man to be thrown through it moments later. I escaped out the back when the bartender started spraying people in the face with a seltzer bottle. I didn’t think much of that night. Just another drunk night in the big city. But a scout had been there and seen me fighting. He approached me and asked if I was interested in going pro. I signed immediately. My first fight was against a guy whose weapon of choice was a mashed potato. I made a real mess of his face with a one-two punch of pancakes and pineapple chunks. He never knew what hit him. I won a lot of trophies in my life but the real test of my skill came one cold, winter night in Brooklyn. I just got out of taxi when a guy held me at gunpoint and demanded my wallet. I was scared…until I realized what I still had in my coat pocket. I disarmed the thug with nothing but a rutabaga and a sloppy joe. He begged for mercy. I threw a napkin in his face as he collapsed in tears. I’m a fighter. It’s something I was born to be. I don’t know any other way.


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