To be honest, I should be dead. I was vacationing in Mozambique and was involved in a terrible car accident. The doctors told me that 92% of my body had been destroyed. I was literally just an ear and an elbow. How would I ever meet a cool babe to start a family with now? Fortunately the scientist and doctors in Mozambique had been experimenting with a type of robotic/human fusion and they were hopeful they could save my life. Unfortunately, Mozambique is one of the poorest nations in the world. Their lab was less than adequate and their tools primitive. However the experiment was pretty much a success. They replaced my heart with a hamster wheel (as long as Mr. Snowball keeps running, my body will keep on ticking). My brain was replaced by an old combination bike lock (it’s seems pretty heavy duty, so I’m not worried about that giving out on me anytime soon). The rest of my body was built out of spare parts from the Tandy computer that was donated to the local church 15 years ago. I have been rebuilt. I am stronger and faster than ever.
I now spend every waking hour fighting the evil that almost killed me: changing cd’s while I was driving. So stupid. I thought it would be fun to pretend to be a dj in my car and listen to a different song for every town I passed through. Much like RoboCop, I fight an ongoing battle against the injustice that made me what I am today. I do it less with built-in weaponry and more with informative speeches in junior high auditoriums. My life finally has meaning. Also, if I get wet I will most definitely die. Have to stop procrastinating about buying an umbrella.
Steve: the man, the machine, the beverage.