Party Quirks

 If you’re ever getting bored at a party because you don’t know anyone, do what I do: pretend it’s your ten year high school reunion.  It’s so much fun.  I just go up to a random person and am like: “Hey! How are you? It’s me Steve! Steve O’Brien!  Remember we sat next to each other in that one class junior year.  Remember?  You had a huge crush on-what was their name?  We hated having homework, huh?  Homework’s the worst.  Oh, how about the food in the cafeteria?  Paging the Board of Health, am I right?  I always thought you were the coolest.  I know we weren’t that close but… well you probably don’t even remember me but I kind of always looked up to you.  This is kind of embarrassing, but I even tried to call you once.  I was a little drunk one night and I had just been arrested for suspected murder.  Totally didn’t do it, don’t worry.  I was tried with manslaughter, so I dodged that bullet.  But it’s funny, they gave me my one phone call and I was like “Hey, I should call up my favorite person in the world.”  But you didn’t pick up.  And that was a big mistake.  Were you trying to make me look foolish?  Because that’s how i felt. I did a little bit of time.  But I thought of you everyday in that prison cell.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see your face, so I break the mirror.  I break four mirrors a day.  It gets pretty expensive but it’s worth it. Because I believe if I do it enough, eventually I will become you.  I’ll work at your job and sleep next to your lover and hang out with your friends and everyone will love me.  Finally, I will be loved. I count the hours until that glorious day. Anyways, that’s what I’ve been up to.  How bout you? Wait, you remember when Kenny took a crap in the urinal senior year?  Oh man, I bet he didn’t have a problem getting a date for prom.  Psych!”

They will nervously smile and walk away.  You can repeat the process with other people at the party if you want.  The best part is watching the host be too afraid to ask you to leave. When you do decide to leave, make sure to unplug a lamp and walk out with it.  And then yell: “If any hot girls want to get fingered, I’ll be waiting outside in my Mitsubishi, Galant!”  At that point you should leave quickly because they will have probably called the police by now.  Sometimes you have to make your own fun guys.


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