Things To Do Before I Die

The other day after a near death experience at the hospital (I tried to rob it at gunpoint and then the cops started shooting at me), I decided that life is too short and made a list of things I want to accomplish before I die. And I figured I’d share the list with you, so as to save you the trouble of making your own list after you have a near death experience. It is as follows:

  • Write a list
  • Find out what skydiving is
  • Witness a child being born
  • Not throw up while witnessing child being born
  • Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes (I mean this literally – I have really crappy shoes and just once would like to see what it’s like to not feel pain with every step I take)
  • Meet Matt Damon
  • Discuss classic literature with Matt Damon
  • Reveal to Matt Damon that I didn’t actually read the book we were discussing, but just made up all that stuff off the top of my head and then have Matt Damon be very impressed with my improvisational skills (“Why thank you, Mr. Damon,” I’ll say)
  • Have Matt Damon say “Please, Nate. Call me Matt, not Mr. Damon”
  • After a few more times hanging out, have Matt Damon realize that there’s more to me than just being some fanboy who wanted to meet him before dying, and then tell me that he’s actually looking for a new roommate
  • MOVE IN WITH MATT DAMON (!!!!)
  • Find out that living with Matt Damon isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and that he’s actually pretty disrespectful as a roommate (he never washes dishes and will only let me watch the TV if I’m watching a movie he was in)
  • Finally confront Matt Damon about his wild parties and let him know that I’m not an actor like him and I actually have to wake up every morning and go do real work in order to pay my rent
  • Get in a shouting match with Matt Damon about what “real work” is and have him try and justify that he works just as hard at his career as I do mine
  • Tell him it didn’t look like he worked very hard when he was in Jersey Girl
  • Get murdered by Matt Damon
  • Get resurrected by Matt Damon
  • Die on the dance floor

There you have it. Feel free to print this list and use it for yourself. First one to accomplish everything on it gets a free sticker!

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