Anyways, ten years after retiring, CBS Sports asks me if I’d like  to try guest commentating.  Within a week I was sitting in the box chatting it up with Greg and Phil.  It started off fine, I complimented the teams but also mentioned things I thought they could work on.  I predicted why flags were thrown and even tried out my own catch phrase (“You just can’t do that!”).  It all started  going down hill in the middle of the 3rd Quarter when Gumbel goes out of his way to mention my fumble in the ’87 AFC Championship.  After watching the tape, I can see now that he was actually trying to pay me a compliment.  That’s why I feel so bad about saying “Well, what the hell have you done with your  life, Gumbel?”  I don’t know why I said that.  Or why I tried to push him out of his chair.  Or why I yelled “Stay out of this Phil, this knife isn’t meant for you!”  Which reminds me, I don’t know why I brought that knife.  When I leave the house with a knife, sometimes I’m just like “Why are you taking this knife with you?  You know if you take it  you’re just going to spend all day looking for an excuse to use it.”    That’s right about the time when security tackled me and I yelled the thing about the rings.  I tried to get in one last “You just can’t do that!”  but they’d already turned my microphone off.

Despite all that, I still think the Jets  played a thinking man’s football game against the Chiefs on Sunday and I’m excited to see what their defense has in store for the rest of the season.

Team Submarine on The Comedy Nerds Podcast

And thanks to Dustin and Dan for having us on and for officially making us the Kings of Podcasting. Seriously, has anybody been on more podcasts than us? You wish.

No one thought the post apocalyptic world would look like this.  Films and books had always portrayed a world ruled by martial law where survivors live in fear of barbarians.  Fire barrels.  Deserted highways.  Lots of leather for some reason.  No one could have predicted the fate that really came to be:  A WORLD RUN BY CATS!  No one expected that these cuddly little creatures would turn on us so violently.  They tore down our monuments, imprisoned those who defied them and burned all of our art and literature to the ground.  They took our dignity and destroyed our history.  I live a very humble life with my female companion here on the island of what was once known as manhattan (I have no idea if I’m pronouncing that correctly).  But we are not alone.  Two felines occupy our living quarters with an iron fist.  We are forced to clean up their excrement from a small rectangle of sand.  We must feed them whenever they beckon.   They dictate where my feet should be as I sleep.  But the most terrifying part is this:  On most evenings they just lay strewn across the floor in a most erotic way, just glaring at us.  It’s as if, just by living, we have somehow disappointed them.  Perhaps they are just amused by how easy it was to domesticate us.

If this message is successful in making it backwards in time, then remember this one thing: Spay and neuter your cats.  Please, the human race is depending on you.   This is not a joke.  This is our future.

Counting Sheep
Don’t count imaginary sheep – that’s stupid. And boring (total snorefest). Instead, count real sheep. Being in a city, I’ve got to walk at least fifty miles just to see one sheep (and that’s if I’m lucky). By the time you’ve counted 100 sheep, you’ll have walked thousands of miles and will literally collapse into a state of unconsciousness due to physical exhaustion.

Warm Milk
Try taking a glass of warm milk and pouring it onto the floor. Use sleep as an excuse not to clean it up.

Take Pills
Don’t actually swallow any pills. That’d be dangerous, illegal and cool. Instead, try physically taking pills from someone. In general, pills are expensive – and people who have them are usually very protective of them (AND/OR ADDICTED TO THEM). If you try taking their pills from them, they’ll undoubtedly erupt in a fit of rage and smash you over the head with something – rendering you unconscious for up to twelve hours.

Masturbation
It’s been scientifically proven that after masturbating, you’ll feel so hollow and gross that the only way to escape judgment from yourself is by going to sleep.

This is what you look like when you sleep, IDIOT.

“Cool Runnings is hot, hot, hot!”

“You’ll be Runnings back to the theater to see this one again!”

“Jamaican me wanna see this movie again!”

“‘Run‘ for the whole family!”

“One Cool film!”

“These are some hilarious Fastafarians!”

“Cool Runnings is Cool Funnings!”

“This film bobsledded its way into my heart.”

“I Want (John) Candy!”

“Cool Runnings will cure any case of the ‘Mon’ days.”

“A Home Runnings!”

So how does one keep a positive attitude when it’s clear that they will be descending into darkness for the rest of their life?  Well,  I don’t let it get me down.  So I got thrown down a bottomless pit, does that mean I have to stop living my life? Of course not,  I still have dreams after all! I’ve always wanted to be a real estate agent and I think there’s some real growth potential here in the bottomless pit (thinking about changing the name to Eternal Meadows.  Just sounds nicer).  Of course I mentioned the idea to another guy who was also falling and now he’s  going to start a real estate business too.   Whatever, competition is a good thing I guess.  I’m hoping to get a Target built here soon so we can attract some families to the bottomless pit and really give this place a neighborhood feel.  I don’t have the ability to pick where I live, but maybe I can help make it a better place.

Also, a little while back we were interviewed on the The Comedy Nerds podcast. Hear that here or search “The Comedy Nerds” on iTunes.

(Artist’s rendition of how these interviews went down)

And for you purists out there, you can still purchase the physical CD and get a limited edition Nate or Steve button and a hand-drawn piece of artwork. But hurry! Because supplies are running out very, very slowy!