We need milk! I’d have left you a note, but I’m trying to be more environmentally friendly these days. So instead of wasting a piece of paper I just bought a computer and posted this thing on the Internet. Then I printed out this web page, put it on your desk and threw the computer in the trash. Go check it out.

Thanks,
Nate

My first fight was in high school. Some punk kid was picking on me and had a pension for throwing raisins at my head. Well, one day I had had just about enough, pulled out a spoon and catapulted some of my rice pudding at him. SPLAT! Right in the nose. His cronies came to his rescue and started flinging their taco meat at me. They had power but no precision and that was their undoing because they accidently hit one of the cheerleaders behind me. She retaliated by launching all her tater tots in their general direction. It wasn’t long before the whole cafeteria descended into chaos. Food was everywhere. It was at that moment that I realized I had a gift.

A few years later I ended up in the middle of huge bar brawl in Chicago. I got into a argument with a bloke over some money he owed me, he threw the first pie, and things escalated quickly. I threw a pie of my own, he ducked and before I knew it, pies were flying like bullets from every direction in the bar. At one point, a really excited chef rolled out a giant cake, only for a man to be thrown through it moments later. I escaped out the back when the bartender started spraying people in the face with a seltzer bottle. I didn’t think much of that night. Just another drunk night in the big city. But a scout had been there and seen me fighting. He approached me and asked if I was interested in going pro. I signed immediately. My first fight was against a guy whose weapon of choice was a mashed potato. I made a real mess of his face with a one-two punch of pancakes and pineapple chunks. He never knew what hit him. I won a lot of trophies in my life but the real test of my skill came one cold, winter night in Brooklyn. I just got out of taxi when a guy held me at gunpoint and demanded my wallet. I was scared…until I realized what I still had in my coat pocket. I disarmed the thug with nothing but a rutabaga and a sloppy joe. He begged for mercy. I threw a napkin in his face as he collapsed in tears. I’m a fighter. It’s something I was born to be. I don’t know any other way.

-Steve

The other night I was at this restaurant, and when the waitress came over to me I figured I’d have a little fun. You know - quote some movies, make some jokes. So I was all like “Excuse me, waitress. I’ll have what she’s having!” And the waitress was all like “Sir, I’m not a waitress, I’m a Doctor. And this is a hospital. And that woman is having a baby.” So then I was like “Make mine a double!” Man, it was fun!

Turns out she wasn’t kidding. Long story short, I’m now the father of twins.

Please help! I know absolutely nothing about being a parent! The other day one of them wouldn’t stop crying so I just put a Darth Vader mask on it and left it in a tree. And now Social Services is totally on my ass. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOU CAN’T DO THIS?

Any parenting advice? These twins are a handful! Each! That’s two handfuls! Each! That’s four handfuls!

Sincerely,
Nate “Super Dad” Fernald

Please note that I had the nickname “Super Dad” before this whole baby fiasco. I won it in a game of college ball.

Exciting news, everyone! We just uploaded a video to the Internet. Figured we’d give you a break from all the reading and give you something to watch. It’s a filmed version of a bit you may have seen performed live. It was directed and edited by the talented Chad Wilson and Ryan Taylor. These guys are like the Nash Bridges and Joe Dominguez of film making, by which I mean that one of them is Don Johnson and the other is Cheech Marin. We uploaded the hell outta this thing, and you can view it on YouTube, Funny or Die and even MySpace! Or just watch it right here:

By all means, feel free to rate it and send it to your friends. Oh, and a fun fact about the video: Nate and Steve are such good actors, that in this video Nate is actually playing Steve and Steve is playing Nate. Impressive, huh?

I just read about this really interesting scientist named Ivan Pavlov. He did this experiment where every time he would feed his dog, he’d also ring a bell. After a while, every time he rang the bell the dog would automatically start to salivate. I thought I’d try out a little experiment like this of my own, so I starting ringing a bell every time I farted on Steve. Now, whenever Steve hears a bell ring, he automatically throws up and punches me in the face.

I‘m not totally sure what this picture is. I think it’s some sort of Dog S&M Machine (Snacks & Meals, ya sicko!)

To be honest, I should be dead.  I was vacationing in Mozambique and was involved in a terrible car accident. The doctors told me that 92% of my body had been destroyed.  I was literally just an ear and an elbow.  How would I ever meet a cool babe to start a family with now?  Fortunately the scientist and doctors in Mozambique had been experimenting with a type of robotic/human fusion and they were hopeful they could save my life.  Unfortunately, Mozambique is one of the poorest nations in the world.  Their lab was less than adequate and their tools primitive.  However the experiment was pretty much a success.  They replaced my heart with a hamster wheel (as long as Mr. Snowball keeps running, my body will keep on ticking).  My brain was replaced by an old combination bike lock (it’s seems pretty heavy duty, so I’m not worried about that giving out on me anytime soon).  The rest of my body was built out of spare parts from the Tandy computer that was donated to the local church 15 years ago.  I have been rebuilt.  I am stronger and faster than ever.  

I am a walking a miracle.

I now spend every waking hour fighting the evil that almost killed me: changing cd’s while I was driving.  So stupid.  I thought it would be fun to pretend to be a dj in my car and listen to a different song for every town I passed through.  Much like RoboCop,  I fight an ongoing battle against the injustice that made me what I am today.  I do it less with built-in weaponry and more with informative speeches in junior high auditoriums.  My life finally has meaning.  Also, if I get wet I will most definitely die.  Have to stop procrastinating about buying an umbrella.  

love,
Steve: the man, the machine, the beverage.

 If you’re ever getting bored at a party because you don’t know anyone, do what I do: pretend it’s your ten year high school reunion.  It’s so much fun.  I just go up to a random person and am like: “Hey! How are you? It’s me Steve! Steve O’Brien!  Remember we sat next to each other in that one class junior year.  Remember?  You had a huge crush on-what was their name?  We hated having homework, huh?  Homework’s the worst.  Oh, how about the food in the cafeteria?  Paging the Board of Health, am I right?  I always thought you were the coolest.  I know we weren’t that close but… well you probably don’t even remember me but I kind of always looked up to you.  This is kind of embarrassing, but I even tried to call you once.  I was a little drunk one night and I had just been arrested for suspected murder.  Totally didn’t do it, don’t worry.  I was tried with manslaughter, so I dodged that bullet.  But it’s funny, they gave me my one phone call and I was like “Hey, I should call up my favorite person in the world.”  But you didn’t pick up.  And that was a big mistake.  Were you trying to make me look foolish?  Because that’s how i felt. I did a little bit of time.  But I thought of you everyday in that prison cell.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see your face, so I break the mirror.  I break four mirrors a day.  It gets pretty expensive but it’s worth it. Because I believe if I do it enough, eventually I will become you.  I’ll work at your job and sleep next to your lover and hang out with your friends and everyone will love me.  Finally, I will be loved. I count the hours until that glorious day. Anyways, that’s what I’ve been up to.  How bout you? Wait, you remember when Kenny took a crap in the urinal senior year?  Oh man, I bet he didn’t have a problem getting a date for prom.  Psych!”

They will nervously smile and walk away.  You can repeat the process with other people at the party if you want.  The best part is watching the host be too afraid to ask you to leave. When you do decide to leave, make sure to unplug a lamp and walk out with it.  And then yell: “If any hot girls want to get fingered, I’ll be waiting outside in my Mitsubishi, Galant!”  At that point you should leave quickly because they will have probably called the police by now.  Sometimes you have to make your own fun guys.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m making the right choices in life.  For instance, the other day as I was on my way to the train I saw a woman struggling to carry a baby carriage up the stairs.  But right as I saw her, I also heard the train coming.  So I had to stop and think - if I helped the woman, then I would miss my train and be late for work.  Was helping her worth risking my job?  Which of these choices is ethically right? By the time I finished thinking, the train had already come and gone, four other people helped the woman, and I realized it was Saturday and I didn’t even have to be at work.  So I went up to the woman, dumped orange juice on her head and told her that her baby is going to grow up to be a racist.

Did I make the right choice?

The first time you go out for a drink with your parents can be a little weird.  No one quite knows how to act.  You pretend like you don’t drink all that often, saying things like “I’m not really sure if I have a favorite drink.”  While they pretend like they are complete party animals, saying things like “Loosen up” or “Lets get an appetizer.”  However, things usually calm down after the first few drinks.  And then things usually get really bad after a few more.  The first time you beat up a waiter with your parents can be a little weird.  No one quite knows how to act.  Well except for dad, who has obviously done this kind of thing before, saying things like “I’m going to leave you a 12% tip-of my fist!”  Which is embarrassing because tips should be at least 15%, in fact I really think you should leave 20% for the most part.  That’s not necessarily the case with cabs though.  The first time a restaurant manager asks you and your parents to “leave or he’s calling the police” can be a little weird.  No one quite knows how to act.  Well except for mom, who did what I think was suppose to be some kind of seductive dance for the manager.  It came off looking more like karate.  I thought dad would be angry about mom’s advances on the manager but he had been distracted by a piano.  He was already banging on the keys while singing “Can’t Buy Me Love.”  I tried to get him to stop but it didn’t take long before I was on harmonies while mom danced the Charleston. We ended up making 26 dollars in tips that night and the manager is actually going to have us back every other tuesday.  HOTDOG! 

The other day after a near death experience at the hospital (I tried to rob it at gunpoint and then the cops started shooting at me), I decided that life is too short and made a list of things I want to accomplish before I die. And I figured I’d share the list with you, so as to save you the trouble of making your own list after you have a near death experience. It is as follows:

• Write a list
• Find out what skydiving is
• Witness a child being born
• Not throw up while witnessing child being born
• Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes (I mean this literally - I have really crappy shoes and just once would like to see what it’s like to not feel pain with every step I take)
• Meet Matt Damon
• Discuss classic literature with Matt Damon
• Reveal to Matt Damon that I didn’t actually read the book we were discussing, but just made up all that stuff off the top of my head and then have Matt Damon be very impressed with my improvisational skills (”Why thank you, Mr. Damon,” I’ll say)
• Have Matt Damon say “Please, Nate. Call me Matt, not Mr. Damon”
• After a few more times hanging out, have Matt Damon realize that there’s more to me than just being some fanboy who wanted to meet him before dying, and then tell me that he’s actually looking for a new roommate
• MOVE IN WITH MATT DAMON (!!!!)
• Find out that living with Matt Damon isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and that he’s actually pretty disrespectful as a roommate (he never washes dishes and will only let me watch the TV if I’m watching a movie he was in)
• Finally confront Matt Damon about his wild parties and let him know that I’m not an actor like him and I actually have to wake up every morning and go do real work in order to pay my rent
• Get in a shouting match with Matt Damon about what “real work” is and have him try and justify that he works just as hard at his career as I do mine
• Tell him it didn’t look like he worked very hard when he was in Jersey Girl
• Get murdered by Matt Damon
• Get resurrected by Matt Damon
• Die on the dance floor

There you have it. Feel free to print this list and use it for yourself. First one to accomplish everything on it gets a free sticker!