Kings of Podcasting

Last week we were interviewed on The Comedy Nerds podcast. We talked about being in a two-man ground, FX (the movie), and dry humping. INTRIGUED? Find it on iTunes, or just go here:

Team Submarine on The Comedy Nerds Podcast

And thanks to Dustin and Dan for having us on and for officially making us the Kings of Podcasting. Seriously, has anybody been on more podcasts than us? You wish.

CATASTROPHIC

No one thought the post apocalyptic world would look like this.  Films and books had always portrayed a world ruled by martial law where survivors live in fear of barbarians.  Fire barrels.  Deserted highways.  Lots of leather for some reason.  No one could have predicted the fate that really came to be:  A WORLD RUN BY CATS!  No one expected that these cuddly little creatures would turn on us so violently.  They tore down our monuments, imprisoned those who defied them and burned all of our art and literature to the ground.  They took our dignity and destroyed our history.  I live a very humble life with my female companion here on the island of what was once known as manhattan (I have no idea if I’m pronouncing that correctly).  But we are not alone.  Two felines occupy our living quarters with an iron fist.  We are forced to clean up their excrement from a small rectangle of sand.  We must feed them whenever they beckon.   They dictate where my feet should be as I sleep.  But the most terrifying part is this:  On most evenings they just lay strewn across the floor in a most erotic way, just glaring at us.  It’s as if, just by living, we have somehow disappointed them.  Perhaps they are just amused by how easy it was to domesticate us.

If this message is successful in making it backwards in time, then remember this one thing: Spay and neuter your cats.  Please, the human race is depending on you.   This is not a joke.  This is our future.

Tips For Falling Asleep

Living in the city, sometimes it’s hard to fall asleep at night. What with all  the noise, the stress and the constant threat of panty-raids. But here are some exercises that may help put you to sleep.

Counting Sheep
Don’t count imaginary sheep – that’s stupid. And boring (total snorefest). Instead, count real sheep. Being in a city, I’ve got to walk at least fifty miles just to see one sheep (and that’s if I’m lucky). By the time you’ve counted 100 sheep, you’ll have walked thousands of miles and will literally collapse into a state of unconsciousness due to physical exhaustion.

Warm Milk
Try taking a glass of warm milk and pouring it onto the floor. Use sleep as an excuse not to clean it up.

Take Pills
Don’t actually swallow any pills. That’d be dangerous, illegal and cool. Instead, try physically taking pills from someone. In general, pills are expensive – and people who have them are usually very protective of them (AND/OR ADDICTED TO THEM). If you try taking their pills from them, they’ll undoubtedly erupt in a fit of rage and smash you over the head with something – rendering you unconscious for up to twelve hours.

Masturbation
It’s been scientifically proven that after masturbating, you’ll feel so hollow and gross that the only way to escape judgment from yourself is by going to sleep.

This is what you look like when you sleep, IDIOT.