Team Magazine

Nate, Steve and a handful of other people who are more successful than us recently wrote some goofs for a piece in Time Out Chicago. We’ve put together this image that blocks out what everybody wrote except us:

(Click to enlarge)

But if you really want to read what everybody else wrote, you can do so on the Time Out Chicago website. That is, until we make an image that just blocks out what we wrote.

THRILL SEEKERZ!!

You may not know this, but I am a total adrenaline junkie. Seriously, I’ve blown dudes in alleyways for it and ruined most of my relationships because of it. Been in and out of rehab SIX times and still haven’t learned my lesson. But that’s beside the point! One of my favorite sources of getting that sweet adrenaline rush is hitting up amusement parks all summer. The only problem is, I’ve ridden so many roller coasters that they just don’t do it for me anymore. So I’ve come up with some new roller coasters of my own that are sure to give anybody that life-threatening rush.

THE FUTURE CRUSHER
It’s just like a normal roller coaster, except that when you get to the top, you receive a text message from your ex-girlfriend saying she hasn’t gotten her period since you broke up.

THE WRECKING BALL
On this coaster you only go at a moderate speed, but mid-ride you see an unattended toddler whose ball rolls into the street during rush hour, and you’re stuck in your seat forced to helplessly watch as he runs after it.

BATMAN RIDE OF STEEL
This is very similar to Six Flags’ “Superman Ride of Steel” except that on your way back down, you have to decide between saving a politician who could change your crime-ridden city OR saving your one true love (there’s only enough time to save one!)

THE GLASS MENAGERIE
On this rickety coaster, a stranger holds a pitcher of urine above your head the entire time while constantly whispering into your ear “Do you trust me?”

THE LIFE TAKER
Not actually a coaster, just a room where you are forced to fight another human being to the death. WHAT A RUSH!

See you in line!

Sketchfest NYC – Tomorrow!

If you’re in New York, then be sure to check out Sketchfest NYC this weekend at UCB. We’ll be going up  on Thursday, June 11 at 8:00 PM along with the hilarious Kristen Schaal. And in between, there’ll be videos from Front Page Films. What’s not to like?!

Grand Slam Bunt

In my 43 years on earth I’ve come to realize that there are two kinds of people in this world: People who CAN bunt and people who CAN’T.  Well actually, I guess there are a couple of other types of people as well:  

• People who can “kinda” bunt
• People who bunted once by accident
• People who don’t believe in bunting
• People who are open to believing in bunting but need more proof
• People who use to bunt but don’t do it so much anymore since they had the baby
• People who don’t realize they can bunt but then when a ball is hurled at them, they just instinctually bunt -all Jason Bourne style
• People who still haven’t told their parents they bunt
• People who use to bunt every day but now it just makes them paranoid
• People who believe they bunted in another life
• People who secretly bunt in the bathroom stall on their lunch break
• People who are drunk and trying to say “Fuck Bunting” but it comes out “Butt Fucking” 
• People who are drunk and trying to say “Butt Fucking” and they mean “Butt Fucking”
• People who believe that bunting is actually less than 10,000 years old
• People in third world countries who have never even heard of bunting
• People who think bunting started to suck when they added that keyboardist
• People who don’t believe children should be allowed to bunt until they’re 36
• People who are bunting everyday in their own communities and don’t even realize it.  Big thanks to those folks!

That said, I still feel like you can filter all those people into either a “can bunt” or “can’t bunt” category.  I was on the train this morning looking at all the people and thinking about how the only thing that really separates us all is that some of us know how to gently tap our bats against a fast ball and some of us don’t.  I actually can’t bunt myself.  I’m a property manager for a few buildings in Wheaton, Il.  Doesn’t mean a guy can’t stare out the window and dream though, right?