Imagine That!

Every morning when I get off the train, I walk by this Imagine That poster. And every time I see it, I can’t help but think it looks like Eddie Murphy  just realized that the little girl on his back has a boner and he doesn’t know what the fuck is going on.

Seriously, why else would he be making that face? Is anybody else with me on this? Anybody?! Or am I just a creep? I’m a creep? Okay, just checking.

TWINIWT

There’s a lot you probably don’t know about twins.  For instance, you’ve probably heard that most identical twins speak to each other in their own language.  But did you know that the language they’re speaking in is usually just their best impression of Robert De Niro in the movie Analyze That.  It’s true.  Twins can usually sense when the other is in some kind of danger, even when they are in different locations.  They can also sense when the other twin lends a movie to a guy they barely know.  There have been documented cases of twins who have sensed the exact moment when the other wished he’d gone to the ATM earlier in the day before the bank gets too busy . . . even though they were standing in completely different places in their studio apartment.  Male twins can’t see each other’s shadow but they can tell when the other twins’ penis awkwardly slips out of their boxers while they’re in public.  It’s not like any one can tell because they’re still covered by their pants but it stills feels like you are out of you’re comfort zone, you know? Twins still aren’t allowed in Kentucky or Nevada.  Some twins are so identical that they can’t tell themselves apart.  If two twins were to kiss it would disprove the existence of God.  If one twin dies the other twin must always pretend to be them at parties by excusing themselves to go to the store and then reappear as their brother or sister.  When one twin falls asleep the other twin does as well.  That’s why they always call each other before they have to drive a car or go to the movies.  Twins get into all restaurants for free if they’re dressed alike.  When one twin is having sex, the other twin senses it and must high five the person they are closest to.  These are the facts.

Put Some Shorts On!

I think it’s safe to say that it’s officially summertime, and you know what that means…time to break out the shorts! Anyone who knows me knows that I absolutely LIVE for shorts. I don’t think shorts were created for summer, as much as summer was created for shorts (thanks, Big Guy!) Heck, I’d wear shorts all winter if my family didn’t have a history of incurable pneumonia. But enough about me, and more about SHORTS! I’ve recently started a line of pro-short shirts, because just sporting shorts on my lower body isn’t enough for me. I like most of my figure to somehow represent how much I love shorts. So here they are, being unveiled for the first time in history:

Powers-Man Saves The Day

HARDY!  I want Hugh Hardy in my office now!  What kind of reporter are you, Hugh?  Did you even see what just happened outside?  Powers-Man just saved a bus full of people from crashing into a trolley and you missed the whole damn thing!  Wake up, Hardy!  Why is it that every time Powers-Man shows up, you mysteriously disappear?  Are you afraid of actually getting a scoop?  Is it drugs? Honestly if it is, now is the time to tell me.  We can get you help.  Well, where the hell do you go all the time?  What?  You thought it was hot out today so you went to the ice cream parlor?!  You are some piece of work.  I betcha vanilla is your favorite flavor, huh Hardy?  My god, you are the complete opposite of Powers-Man in every way imaginable!  You have zero social skills and are a complete coward whereas Powers-Man is incredibly charismatic and very brave.  God bless you Powers-Man, where ever you are.

Then again, I’ve never noticed it before but you two actually share similar builds along with an intense sense of  justice.  In fact the two of you seem-Damn it Hardy, how did you manage to get your foot stuck in that paint can again!?   Watch out, your pant leg is on fire!  Not the fish tank! Wow Hardy,  you’re clumsiness is in direct proportion to Powers-Man’s courage.  You better go clean yourself up and get started on this bus story.   I only wish Powers-Man were here with me now so I could thank him for all the times he’s saved this fair city.  What do you mean “maybe I already have”?  Tell me four eyes, when have I thanked Powers-Man?  Huh? I’ve never met the man.  Why are you always talking so incredulously?  Whenever I say something like  ”And we owe it all to Powers-Man” you always do this thing where you’re smirking at nobody.  It’s creepy.  I don’t like it.  Speaking of creepy, I don’t want to catch you putting your pants on in the supply closet again.  I don’t know what you’re doing in there but it needs to stop.

The Monsters Of Classical Music Tour

Holy Shit!  Last night me and my buddy Jason went to the Monsters of Classical Music concert and it was insane!  On this reunion tour they got all my favorites composers together on one stage:  Bach, Mozart, Beethoven and towards the end of the night Tchaikovsky showed up unannounced and jammed out for a couple of symphonies.  I shit you not.  But I’m getting ahead of myself here.  The night started with Bach descending from the ceiling with huge fireballs exploding behind him.  When he landed on the stage he just smiled and said “I told you I’d be Bach” and then he just launched into the Brandenburg Concerto!  The crowd went nuts!  He must have felt the energy in the place because he climbed the scaffolding on the stage and composed like a wild man from 30 feet off the ground.  It’s pretty hard to top an opening act like that but luckily Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was up to the challenge.  There were no theatrics for this guy, just pure fucking classical music!  He barely talked between any of the compositions and believe me, there were a lot of compositions!  He played a medley of his best operas, did most of his Requiem and went on a 20 minute jam session in the middle of his Symphony in B flat, No. 55.  Some of the crowd was a little bummed that he played so much new stuff but I thought it was cool hearing what he’s been working on lately.  Can’t wait to track down the bootleg of the show so I can hear it again.

Now the moment of truth had come, Beethoven was next.  The stage was completely dark and stayed that way for the first few minutes of  his Moonlight Sonata.  Then all at once, light flooded the place and there was Beethoven standing there in front of his orchestra.  He raised his head and yelled “I am The Hoven!” right as the the fucking clarinets began to swell.  What an entrance!  He blazed through all his greatest hits.  Some people requested some of his lesser known stuff but he just acted like he couldn’t hear them.  In the middle of his String Quartet No. 14 in C-sharp minor, opus 131 a guy jumped on stage and instead of having security remove the dude, Beethoven let the guy orchestrate the rest of the opus.  Once again, some of the crowd was annoyed because they didn’t spend $60 to see Joe Nobody lead the orchestra, but I thought it was cool and the guy was pretty good.  Then Beethoven thanked the crowd, said goodnight and left the stage.  Yeah right!  As if he was going to do a whole concert and not play his biggest single: Symphony No. 5.  So we stood there and chanted “Encore” for at least ten minutes before he finally came back out and played what we’d all been waiting for.  Bach and Mozart came out and helped out too and that’s when Tchaikovsky made his entrance as well.  All four of them with their backs turned to us just orchestrating the shit out that symphony.  The show was so good that I might drive out to Milwaukee tomorrow to see it again.  Plus I’d like to get one of those t-shirts that says “Bach’n'Roll” on it.

Maximum Fun Pledge Drive

So have you still not purchased a copy of Correctamundo! yet?

Well, now there’s a more expensive, but far more worthwhile way of doing so. MaximumFun.org, the place that brings you such great podcasts as The Sound of Young America and Jordan, Jesse, Go! is having their annual pledge drive.  And if you donate a mere $10 (or more) a month, then you’ll get your pick from a list of great prizes, one of which is a copy of Team Submarine’s Correctamundo! Other better prizes include CDs and DVDs from Louis C.K., The Hold Steady, Mitch Hedburg, Marc Maron and plenty more.

So head on over to MaximumFun.org donate, donate, donate (three times, please).

“Correctamundo!” Now Cheaper Than Ever!

As you may know, the United States Postal service has raised its rates yet again. But the shipping cost on our debut CD Correctamundo! isn’t budging one cent! Thus they are technically cheaper than they have ever been! So hurry up and buy one now before we realize WHAT A HUGE MISTAKE WE’RE MAKING! We should be charging 6 cents more PER CD. If you buy 10 CDs, then you’ll have saved 60 cents! If you buy 100 CDs, then you’ll have saved $6! And if you buy 100,000,000 CDs, then you’ll be a millionaire in savings!

So what are you waiting for? Head on over to our online store and pick yourself up 100,000,000 copies today! (5 CD limit per order)

The Carpet Man Is Coming!!!

Summer time is on it’s way and we all know what that means: fun at the beach, playing in the pool and hearing that old familiar song thats hums through your neighborhood letting you know that the carpet man is coming down the street!  Everyone knows there’s nothing better than a nice carpet on an hot summer day.  Whenever I hear that song playing in our neighborhood, I run over to my mom or dad and beg them for 12 to 14 hundred dollars so I can get a carpet with my friends outside.   They usually say something like “I’m not giving you money for the carpet man when I just bought a big carpet from the store yesterday.  Just enjoy the carpet we have in the kitchen.”   But every once in a while I’ll catch dad on a good day (like when  he doesn’t accidently step on one of the cats) and he’ll usually cave and give me some money for the carpet man.  Then I run down the street and try to catch the carpet truck before he leaves for another neighborhood.  My favorite carpet has got to be Saxony, because it’s like I get two types of fiber for the price of one!  Last week my friend Todd let me try his Berber carpet and I couldn’t believe how durable it was.  I’ll probably stick with my old faithful though: Saxony!  One time I dropped my carpet on the ground and started to cry but then the carpet man gave me another one for free.  It was great because I got a new carpet and I gave the carpet I dropped on the ground to the really poor kid in the neighborhood.  He’ll take any carpet he can get!  Sometimes we’ll hear the carpet man’s music playing late at night and my dad will always yell: “What the hell is the carpet man doing out it this hour?  What kind of parents would let their kids buy carpet at 9:30 at night?”  But he must have forgotten he said that because he let us buy a huge carpet on the 4th of July and it was was almost eleven o’clock at night!  Thanks carpet man!

Team Submarine on David Angelo Radio TONIGHT!

Team Submarine will be tonight’s guest on The David Angelo Radio Show, promoting our brand-new album Correctamundo! It’s a live call-in show, so please tune in at www.davidangeloradio.com and call in using the number (251) 300-JOKE [5653].

That’s tonight, May 5, at 8:00 PM EST. And don’t forget, Correctamundo! is available now for the bargain price of $5 via our online store.