Team Submarine In Buzzine

Still haven’t bought Correctamundo! yet? Well, if you need some more persuading check out what Buzzine has to say about it here. There’s also an in-depth Q and A with us to give you some more insight into the album.

Correctamundo! is available now in our online store for online $5!

“Correctamundo!” Available Now!

Team Submarine’s debut CD “Correctamundo!” recorded live in Chicago is now available! For a limited time, each order will include a limited edition Nate OR Steve button (one per CD) and an exclusive piece of hand-drawn alternate cover art! Every CD has a different one! CDs are $5 plus a $2 S&H fee per order. 

Order yours now at our online store!

If you prefer to order by check, money order or cash (at your own risk), then e-mail teamsubmarine[at]gmail[dot]com for ordering instructions. 

Watch a clip of one of the tracks here. Now imagine owning just the audio from that video! What are you waiting for? Order yours today!

The Day The Gym Teacher Taught Sexual Education

Alright germs, quiet down.  Apparently today is Sexual Awareness Day and all teachers must read from this curriculum about safe sex.  Which is ironic because you guys are probably having more sex than me right now.  Well, except for you Tyler.  My daughter Ashley really seems to like you but I swear to God, if you lay one finger in her I will bury you in the ground.  So here’s the basic gist of it:  Some people say you shouldn’t have sex until you are married.  My advice is to not have sex ever.  I know it seems very exciting right now but sex is just a gateway drug that leads to kids and bills and marriage and college tuition.  It never ends.  There’s no such thing as safe sex.  Nope.  I have gotten my wife pregnant every time we’ve had sex.  We have 26 children and I can only remember the name’s of the first five.  Also: Do not buy condoms from the guy selling cologne on the street.  They will be less like condoms and more like rubber gloves stolen from a hospital.  Everything will smell like talcum powder and will turn you into a father at the age of 17.  Condoms break every time.  It’s a fact.  They’re made out of 10% latex and  90% wishes.  Liberals will try to tell you that there are alternatives to sex, like:  frenching, making out, heavy petting or dry humping.  None of those are safe either.  You might start with some normal dry humping but it won’t be long before you start dry humping in the 69 position, dry humping doggy style, dry humping with the use of a strap-on, group dry humping, and biracial dry humping.  I’ve even heard stories about phone dry humping and cyber-humping.   It’s a slippery slope and that’s why abstinence is the best policy.  If you have any questions I’ll be sitting in my office eating seven McDonald’s Apple Pies.

Treasure Quest

If you are reading this then congratulations are in order.  You have successfully survived all of the booby traps, answered every riddle correctly, and deftly identified the celebrity word jumble (Khkeelt Smurgram= Kelsey Grammar).  I regret to say that I can’t trust any of my family members so I devised these tests as a way to ensure that only the bravest, wisest, and most pure of heart would inherit my fortune.   That indomitable person is you my friend and I am very proud to pass my fortune onto you.  Unless of course, the person reading this is really evil and just forced someone really pure of heart to do all the dirty work for them so they could grab all the gold and rubies for themselves.  Shit.  I didn’t even think about that.  Okay, I’m realizing we are going to have to work on the honor system here.  If you are just some evil villainous type who followed a bunch of goodhearted kids here or forced an idealistic adventurer to do all the tests for you, than this is not your treasure.  I repeat:  This stuff is not for you because you are evil.  Turn around and go back because my fortune is not for you.  
Um, or better yet: Just look at all this gold, huh!  There are so many greedy things you could do with all of it, like build a huge statue of yourself or adopt a baby from a third world country for the publicity.  Oh man, it’s going to be nothing but babes, drugs, and power!  So at this point, hopefully you guys have been so consumed by your own greed that you’ve done something really destructive, like all shot each other at the same time or set off some kind of “Greed Trap.”  That’s what I should have done!  A Greed Trap!  Sometimes I just have to talk these things out.  It could be a big golden one hundred dollar bill with a diamond iPhone in it and when you grab for it you fall down a hole or something.  Woulda, coulda, shoulda, right!  Well, hopefully this at least distracted the bad guys long enough for the good guys to create some kind of escape plan.  Good luck saving the local arcade or whatever noble thing you guys are doing.

Team Submarine Spring Tour Documentary

You may have heard that Team Submarine recently went on a massive tour that took us all the way from New Hampshire to Massachusetts (it was only two shows, but we drove North from New Hampshire, so we actually had to circle the entire globe before we got to our second show in Massachusetts). But we documented the entire trip, and the first of three parts of the tour documentary is now available online:

Parts 2 and 3 coming soon! And as always, the video is also viewable on Funny or Die if you’ve got some kind of gripe with YouTube.

Time Travel Agent

Today marks exactly 18 years since the first time I successfully travelled through time.  Since then I have used this amazing power to prevent several nuclear wars, helped find cures for many diseases and had a hand in thwarting the killing of Jane Kreese (who is just teaching kindergarten now but will someday lead us all in the war against the mutants).  I have seen how it will end and witnessed the birth of time itself multiple times.  One time I brought a girl on a date to see one of Beethoven’s early performances (She had a great time but on our trip back to the present we realized we didn’t have that much to talk about).  I watched the extinction of the dinosaurs while on mushrooms (I don’t recommend that by the way, I freaked out pretty bad).  I even got to observe what my future lineage will do with their lives (It turns out that putting off doing laundry til you’re down to your last pair of underwear is something that stays in my family for the next 12 generations).

 Being able to see the delicate beauty of the past and the surprising outcomes of the future has changed my life forever.  But to be completely honest, I’m just kind of bored with it now.  Yesterday I used the time machine to avoid having a conversation with a guy on the street because I couldn’t remember if his name was “Craig” or “Greg.”  A couple weeks ago the light  in my bathroom burned out and I’ve been too lazy to go out and buy a new bulb.  Instead I’ve just been traveling back in time and using the bathroom from a month in the past when my light still worked.  It’s gotten so bad that if I want to watch a scene again in a movie,  I’ll just go back in time to watch it with myself the first time I watched it.  This actually takes longer than just rewinding the movie and I usually just end up building up the scene way too much to my past self.  He’ll just say something like “Yeah, that was a pretty good scene.  I don’t know if it warranted going back in time for but…”  Then just to be sure, he will go back in time to watch the scene again and therefore build it up too much for his past self as well.   This cycle will continue forever.

One time I told a buddy of mine that my biggest regret was that I never finished college.  Then I realized how stupid that statement was seeing as how I owned a time machine and I could change anything!   I fixed everything by going back in time and telling my buddy that my biggest regret was actually passing up on those Chili Peppers tickets.  I know I’ll see them on their next tour but I heard that show I missed was unbelievable!

Tune Up

So here’s your problem:  you’ve haven’t had your oil changed in over a year so it’s causing your engine to have to work extra hard without any of the proper lubrication.  On top of that it looks like your battery is ready to collapse because you are working it so hard in the winter months without giving it anytime to warm up.  Plus your fan belt is thinner than an old pair of slacks due to all those extra trips picking up the kids every weekend from your ex-wife’s house.  A woman you’d still be with if you would just admit you were wrong and say you’re sorry.  But no, you think she should apologize to you because
“she had no business looking at your internet history.”  It’s not all your fault, after all, you never heard your father apologize to anyone, so why would you?  But then again, didn’t you always say you wanted to be the opposite of your father?  Now it seems you’ve become a mirror image of him.  It’s funny how we always seem to hate the thing that reminds us of ourselves.   Like how much you claim to dislike insecure people, even though you yourself are very insecure.  Or how you’re always saying you detest The Dave Matthews Band and yet you find yourself humming their songs whenever you’re alone.  In fact you’ve even entertained the idea of starting your own tribute band with a clever name like The Dave Matthews’ Twin Brother Brandon’s Band.  But you decided a long time ago that it was your older brother who had all the musical talent.  Instead you’ve always just quietly wished you were him.  That’s your problem:  You spend all your time making rules for your life instead of just living it.  That and the power valve in your carburetor looks like it’s going to blow any second.  Yeah, that’s your problem.

What Day Is It Today?

Hey guys, does anyone know what today’s date is? My calendar is broken so I have no clue. Anyways, on a completely unrelated note we just thought we’d be nice and offer you some PEANUTS. I mean, why not? Everybody loves PEANUTS, right? So just click on this can for some PEANUTS. Seriously, no reason to be suspicious or anything. Just figured we’d give you some PEANUTS. So yeah, just click on it for some PEANUTS.