Easter Egg Hunt

Easter is just a couple of weeks away! And if you’re like me, your favorite part of Easter is hunting for Easter eggs. It’s just like a scavenger hunt but without all of that boring reading. So I thought we could have an Easter egg hunt of our own on this very blog! Below is the story of Easter. Keep in mind that I have no religious background and am just making assumptions about Easter based on clues I’ve put together after looking at Hallmark greeting cards. I’ve hidden five easter eggs throughout the story. Find them and win Easter!

Years ago it was discoveredthat Jesus could not only turn water into wine, but he could also turn eggs into prizes. Then there was a rabbit who hidthese prizes and everyone wore shitty colors that you would normally use to paint a baby’s room. Then some dude who died ended up not being dead (hey buddy, I think you need to find a new physician!) Then some bullshit about baby chickens and wicker baskets.

Did you find them all? Probably not. Answer key after the jump!

Guidance Counselor Rick

Hello and welcome to Glendale High School.  I’m your guidance counselor for the next four years (unless my modeling career takes off.  Just kidding! Look at me, I’m the opposite of a model!).  Anyways, my name’s Mr. Churndell but you can call me Mrs. Churndell (and get a knuckle sandwich!).  Kidding again!  I would never punch a student (I might kick them a little though).  Kidding once again!  But seriously, you can just call me Rick.  Little info about myself:  I am a Graffiti Artist.  But I don’t use my spray paint on buildings.  No way, that would be vandalism and that’s wrong.  I found that out the hard way when I was 16 and got caught spray painting the phrase “Jazz-Fusion Isn’t Going Anywhere” on the side of my dad’s garage.  Nowadays I actually buy sheet rock and use that as a pallet for my graffiti.  My wife let’s me use the bathroom in the basement as my studio.  The only problem is that it’s a little small in there so I will occasionally pass out from the fumes.  Let’s see, what else?  When I was 22 I tried to run across this great country of ours.  I didn’t make it very far though.  On the third day of my trek,  a raccoon chased me for almost two hours, bit me and gave me rabies.  Don’t worry, I got my shots.  The only time you will see me foaming at the mouth is in the cafeteria when they’re serving meatball subs!  It’s not because I like meatball subs, it’s just that one of the herbs in the meat triggers the foaming when I smell it for some reason.  The doctors are baffled by it and it’s just something I’m learning to live with. I guess the only other thing you need to know about me is that I have seen the band Rush over 70 times and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon.  Now, I want to get to know you as well.  My door is always open if you ever want to talk about college or drugs or sex or physical abuse or mental abuse or your physical appearance or just want to talk about youtubes and the internet!  Also, I just found out yesterday, due to cutbacks, I will also be teaching French on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  So. . .Wow! We get to teach each other this mysterious language!

You’re All Wet! is now up at Funny or Die. If you have a spare minute, we’d really appreciate it if you’d vote it “Funny” on our FoD page. You don’t even have to sign up for anything! Easy! Thanks!

Dearly Departed

Well, nobody came to my funeral . . . AGAIN. If people don’t start coming I’m just going to stop having them. These things aren’t cheap guys!   I put a lot of work into them hoping everyone will have a good time.  Last year I had a Hawaiian themed funeral and it would have been a blast if anyone had bothered to show up.  Everyone would have gotten a a coconut bra and the casket was rotating on a spit.  Do you know how hard it is to lay in a rotating coffin?!  I had three anxiety attacks.  The thing that really bothers me this year is that a lot of people responded to the E-vite, so I really had my hopes up. I’m ready to hear all about how much you guys admired me and wished we’d hung out more. Instead here I am, laying in a coffin, bored out of mind. There might be some girls out there who always had a crush on me but that’s the kind of info that only comes out at funerals. Also, I am convinced that Jake Hillard stole my Golden State Warriors winter jacket and we all know, funerals are your only chance to admit when you stole something from the recently expired. As soon as he brings it up BANG, I jump from the coffin and yell: “Ha ha, I’m not dead, I was just insecure. But not anymore, suckers.” Because in the end, that’s all life really is: keeping our feelings to ourselves and stealing sports memorabilia from our friends. It takes someone dying for us to reveal how badly we wanted to have sex with them and how much we liked their stuff. Sad but true. But it doesn’t have to be. I could quit having funerals if people would just be a little bit more honest about how awesome they think I am. You don’t need to be standing around a grave for you tell me how much you’d like to see me with my clothes off.  You can tell me at the laundry mat or at the bar or at the Golden State Warriors game. Anywhere is fine. Same goes for if you stole something from me.  Just tell me, I won’t be mad.  But seriously, whoever took my crock pot, I need it back.  My pot luck dinners have been bullshit lately and everyone knows it.

Introducing: Sandy Paws

Talk about a cock-a-doodle-don’t!

I just discovered Sandy Paws and her creative grooming service (I’d actually recommend checking out the link before reading further). I’m kind of at a loss for words. I mean, she airbrushes poodles. But judging by the amount of photos on her site, it seems to be a relatively lucrative business. I’m not sure how she entices people to do this, but I figured I’d lend my marketing-savvy and try to come up with some slogans for this business despite the fact that it’s borderline animal cruelty/humiliation.

EVER WISH YOU COULD FEED AND WALK THE T-SHIRT THAT YOU DRUNKENLY BOUGHT AT CONEY ISLAND?

DO THE MOST WHITE TRASH THING TO THE LEAST WHITE TRASH DOG!

IT’S LIKE IF A DOG AND A CARNIVAL HAD NON-CONSENSUAL INTERCOURSE

IMAGINE IF YOUR DOG WAS GROOMED BY A GAY ALIEN

WIPE THAT SMUG LOOK RIGHT OFF YOUR DOG’S FUCKING FACE

So are you sold or what? No? Well, what if I told you it could make your dog look like this:

Talk about a Leonardon’t!

Jumping For Joy and The Temple of Doom

A few months back we made an appearance on our friends Zachary Sims and Mark Normand’s Podcast “Jumping For Joy” and it went so well that we demanded they bring us back again! So they did, and you can hear the results by searching iTunes for “Jumping For Joy” or by downloading it here.

Just a few topics that were covered in the podcast: swimming, Zach Braff, Full House, breakaway pants, kewlwebsitez, things are heating up! Download and enjoy.

Anything For Nugz

Odds are you’ve already read this news story. It’s about a woman who called 911 three times after McDonald’s employees told her they were out of McNuggets. Now there are times when it’s appropriate to dial 911 (three times) and times when it isn’t. On the surface, this may seem like one of those times where it isn’t. But let’s give this woman the benefit of the doubt and try to figure out some possible scenarios in which it would have been acceptable to dial 911 (three times) after being denied McNuggets.

• She was bitten by a rare snake with poisonous barbecue sauce in its fangs and McNuggets are the only known anti-venom.
• She is actually a 911 operator and her co-worker asked her to pick up some McNuggets and she was calling him to tell him they were out.
• A criminal mastermind kidnapped her children and refused to give them back unless he could supply her with McNuggets within the next 24 hours (and this happened 23 hours ago!)
• She was on a scavenger hunt for her friend’s bachelorette party, and the last items she needed were McNuggets and three outgoing calls to 911.
• She’s an alien from another galaxy who needs to consume edible garbage in order to breathe.
• She was both starved for food and starved for attention.
• Broad just really loves McNuggets, ya’ll!

Any thoughts on which one it might be? I think I’m gonna go with the snake one.

Visions From The Future

Self Help

Taxes.  Work.  Relationships.  Diets.  Bills.  Success.  Family.  Cloning. You’ve got a lot to worry about in your life.  Sometimes it might feel like it’s all caving in on you.  But what if I told you there was a way to fix all your problems in one easy step?  You can.  Hello, I’m Mr. Dr. Adam Goldenberg (but please, just call me Mr. Dr.) and for the last two and half summers I’ve been teaching hundreds of people how to overcome life’s obstacles with my new book:  JUST IGNORE IT, IT’LL GO AWAY.  With my book you will learn how to circumcise any problem that comes your way, simply by pretending it’s not happening.

Meet Abby.  At the age of 22 her boyfriend got her pregnant and she was unsure if she was ready to become a mother.  But after reading JUST IGNORE IT, IT’LL GO AWAY, Abby found the courage to say “Baby?  What baby?  I don’t see any baby?”  Instead of wasting all of her time worrying about how to raise a child, Abby’s probably looking at snowmobiles online as we speak.  Jealous?

Meet  Kevin.  Last year Kevin injured his hand at work after trying to dislodge a piece of wood in the wood chipper by  attempting to “punch it out.”  At first the doctors were concerned that he would never be able to use his hand again but luckily Kevin had heard something about my book once on the radio or something and decided to “Just Ignore It.”  He spent the next year ignoring the pain as doctors feared the infection would only spread.  Then a funny thing happened that the doctors couldn’t explain: Kevin’s hand started to look better.  Then it started to look worse.  Then Kevin died.  But man, for a second we really thought things were looking good.

Life is full of surprises.  We can never predict what the future will bring.  For instance, I’m being sued a lot lately and have been forced to really practice what I preach.  I’m ignoring more things than ever and it’s taught me that the best thing you can do when you’re in trouble is to write another book.  So check out my new book: JUST MOVE TO MEXICO.