HOW TO BE COOL

Most of our lives are spent hoping that we can trick others into thinking that we are desirable, fun, interesting, intelligent, sexy, cool people.  Unfortunately, we aren’t.  Sometimes we are weird, self conscious, dumb, selfish, boring, gross people.  So how do we make people think otherwise?  Age old wisdom says to just be yourself, which is terrible advice.  We’ve already established that you don’t like yourself, so why the hell would you just be yourself now?  No, the tricks to being cool are simple.  

First, be aloof.  Don’t talk. Ever.  People create an idea of who you are before they even meet you.  Don’t ruin that idea by talking.  Think about it, who are the coolest people in the world?  That’s right, mimes!  Plus everyone knows that Teller from Penn & Teller gets all the pussy because he never says a word!

 Secondly, create a mystique for yourself by being late all the time.  People will wonder what cool things you’ve been up to and will only know that you fell asleep on the floor of the shower if you tell them (which is why we’ve eliminated talking).  If you really want people to be fascinated by you, then my advice is to not show up at all.  Don’t go.  In fact, the only way to be completely mysterious is to never leave your house again.    The party will be abuzz with questions like “Where’s that person I’ve never seen or talked to or heard about before?”  

The third and most ultimate way to be cool is to die.  Dying  is a sure fire way to be remembered as the coolest person around.  When was the last time you heard someone say “Did you hear that Kevin died?  Man, that guy’s taste in movies was bullshit.”  Never!  Once you die, you are remembered as being cool forever.  Think about it, who are the coolest people who ever lived:  Ghandi, Jesus, Lincoln, Ed Norton.  These are all people who were considered total lame-o’s until they died and now everyone wishes they could be them.  The tricky part here is that you can’t kill yourself on purpose because that’s not cool at all.  The best way to go about this is to fake your own death.  But be careful because this opens a lot of pitfalls that will cause you to look very uncool.  For instance, accidently killing yourself while you are trying to fake your own death is really uncool.  You might as well be holding hands with your mom at the mall.  Be careful.  So let’s recap the three ‘D’s to being cool:

1. Don’t Speak.  
2. Don’t Go Anywhere. 
3. Die.

See you in cool town!

A Conversation With My 6th Grade Self

Hey, this might seem really weird but . . . I’m you at the age of 25, Steve. That’s right, I’m you 13 years in the future. I know mom and dad are going through a divorce and you’re having to start at a new school and that it really sucks. It’s rough right now but I want you to know that things are going to get a whole lot-Hey, are you even listening to me? Wait, are you thinking about how badly you want to hump the couch right now? You are aren’t you? Dude, pay attention, this is important stuff! I know it’s hard right now because you have to start at a new school so you don’t have that many friends-I didn’t mean it like that, I know you have some friends. Well no, camp counselors don’t count! Because you only see them in the summertime and they are paid to like you! Okay shit, sorry, that came out wrong. Oh yeah, you swear now, so that’s pretty cool, right? “Fuck” is probably the best. “Fuckface.” “Shithead.” Those are good ones. Yeah, you swear so much that you don’t even think about it anymore (unless you’re around Dad). Anyways, I know it’s hard not having many friends right now but-Me? Yeah, I’ve got friends. Well, I just moved to NYC so I don’t really have that many friends yet. It’s harder when you get older because people have girlfriends and jobs so they don’t really have as much time to just hang out. Yeah I know I just said it was going get easier but-Shut up, you don’t have more friends than me! You are me! Well, guess who’s had sex here? Me! That’s who! I have a girlfriend now and we go to the movies and hang out in her room all the time! I never have to hump the bed or make out with a magazine again! Oh, you haven’t done that yet? In a few months mom is going to start getting Victoria’s Secret catalogs all the time and you are going to be in heaven my friend. Wait til mom gets cable dude. See, life’s not so bad. No, you don’t become a skateboard champion. Sorry. But get this, you end up having McDonald’s with The Kids In The Hall. I’m serious! I know it sounds like a lie but it’s not. Why would I lie to myself? Well, I guess I do that now with my bank account sometimes but that’s not that point. Just keep your chin up, everything is going to be okay. Oh, one more thing, do not drink from that pepsi can in Josh’s basement. Yeah, I know you love Pepsi but it’s not Pepsi. It’s got really gross stuff in it, like spit and bugs and you gag for an hour. Don’t do it.

A-Side / B-Side at UCB

This Thursday, January 22, we’ll be at UCB as part of the A-Side/B-Side show along with the hilarious Pangea 3000 and Murderfist. The way the show works is that each group performs and “A-Side” (or “good”) sketch, and then a “B-Side” sketch, which is something that they don’t normally perform or have never performed because it’s too stupid or too offensive or too weird. It’s sure to be a fun time and costs but a mere $5. 

A-Side / B-Side
Thursday, January 22 at 9:30 PM
Upright Citizen’s Brigade
307 W 26th Street

The flyers for this show look really great. I wanted to post a picture of it, but I don’t have one on me. So you’ll have to go to the show to see it. That alone is worth $5.

Home Decorating

I decided to start redecorating my apartment, so I picked up some new furniture from IKEA. The furniture looks really nice when I ordered it on the website, but it arrived in a box and was COMPLETELY DISMANTLED. It’s like, c’mon IKEA, if I wanted to build my own furniture then I wouldn’t have dropped out of carpentry school six weeks before graduation! But you know what they say, when life gives you lemons, contact IKEA because you actually ordered a desk and have no idea why they would send you lemons. Do they even sell lemons?

So I dug out the instructions, and boy were they confusing! It’s like they were written in Spanish! And French! And German! And English as well! So eventually I just decided to give it the old college try and looked at my roommate’s desk. Looked pretty easy, right? Wrong! It took me eight hours, but I finally finished it with only a few minor injuries:

• Three black eyes
• A sprained ankle
• A sprained cankle
• A bruised penis
• A broken heart
• Nearsightedness
• Panda eyes
• Private eyes
• “Private Eyes” by Hall and Oates
• Tar lung
• Sun burns
• Thumb burns
• Fun burns
• Fun buns
• Hamburger buns
• A fear of open spaces
• NAM Flashbacks
• Sexual harassment
• Divorce
• The word “Penis” being written on my forehead
• Age discrimination
• A charlie horse
• Horse shoes
• Horse head
• Horse hockey
• Horse house
• Horse horse
• Horace Grant
• What was this list about again?

But in the end it was all worth, because I finally have the desk I’ve always dreamed about. Thanks, IKEA!

UPDATE: After having the desk for about a week, I ended up trading it to my friend for some lemons. Go figure!

DRUMMER WANTED!!!

Are you ready to rock? Because we sure are! We are SWORDFORCE: a rock and roll band that’s ready to turn NYC on it’s head. You might remember our previous incarnation: CANDLEFIGHT. We decided to go in a new direction and thus gave ourselves a new name. We’ve been rehearsing for several months and are ready to make our triumphant re-entry into the world of professional rock music. All we need now is a drummer and that’s where you come in (provided you play drums). We are looking for a serious musician who is interested in becoming a major international rock and roll star. If you don’t want to be famous, don’t bother auditioning. If you don’t want to be on the cover of Rolling Stone, then please just stop reading. If you don’t like tons of pussy in your face all the time, then please just stay home (unless you’re gay, in which case that’s totally cool man and we totally get it.  SWORDFORCE is an equal opportunity rock entity and will not discriminate. We are sure there will be tons of homosexual penises in your face too). Ready to change your life forever? Then please, take a seat! Or should we say stool. A drummer’s stool!

We are heavily influenced by Led Zeppelin, Motorhead, the Clash, the Who, the Catcher in the Rye, the Great Gatsby, and Frankenstein (the doctor, not the monster).

We are not influenced by Genesis, Peter Gabriel or Phil Collins. We’re not sure who keeps saying that we sound like Genesis because we don’t. Just because our drummer happens to sing doesn’t make us Genesis.  Which reminds me, you have to be able to play drums and sing at the same time because SWORDFORCE is one of those kinds of bands whose drummer is also their lead singer, kind of like Genesis. However if someone asks, we are nothing like Genesis.

Upon arrival to the audition please bring your own drum kit and mic with amp. Be ready for the unexpected. We will be testing you on your musical skills first and formost. Second, we will test how cool you are through a series of questions involving some of our favorite inside jokes. If you think they’re funny, you’re in. However, we might throw in some decoys, so be careful what you laugh at. Thirdly, we’ll be seeing how you work with children. We will leave you with Dan’s girlfriend’s kid while we go check out this party in Queens. We probably won’t be back until late but don’t worry, there’s plenty of formula in the fridge, and if he starts to cry just read him one of the Kuzzle Bear books. He loves those. Well, I think that’s it. You’re welcome to anything in the fridge and we just got a flat screen tv, so have fun with that. We’ll call you just to check in but our number’s on the baby if you need to contact us.  Alright, let’s see what you got!.

That Guy You Bump Into Every Two or Three Years

Hey man, how you been?  What’s been happening with you?  Oh cool, what’s that like?  Very cool, man.  And are you still with…?  What was her name?  Started with an “M” or a “N” I think?  She  worked at a bakery and was really into art or something, right? Gina!  That’s right, Gina.  How are you guys doing?  Oh, you guys only went out for a couple months before you broke up.  Wait, you broke up because you realized she was more into Nazi memorabilia then you were comfortable with?  Yeah, you’re right, hobbies can only go so far before they get scary.  I dated a girl who was obsessed with Bob Marley.  At first I was like “That’s kind of cool, he’s pretty good.”  But then after a few weeks I was just like “I get it! You really like Bob Marley!  Can we move on please!”  I guess that’s a little different than Nazi stuff but…anyways.  You seeing any one now?  Whoah, you got married?!  You have a kid!  That’s crazy.  Why is that so “crazy”?  Because the last time I saw you, you tried to punch through a car window just because that 15 year old kid with the Scarface t -shirt dared you to.  I know you almost the did it.  No one’s refuting that.  I know, Kia does make stronger windows than most cars.  Everybody knows that.  Well, that’s what I mean, you were a party animal.  It’s weird to think of you as a dad now.  Congrats.  Hey, how’s your dad doing?   You ran over him?!  With a car?  By accident?  Okay, that’s good.  For a second I was like “Whoa, stay away from crazy face over here.”  Is he okay? He’s fine?  How is that possible?  Oh, you weren’t going that fast.  Wow, that’s lucky. Oh, this your stop?  Well, it was good seeing you.  Take care.  Hey, say hello to your kid for me.  Sorry, I didn’t mean for that to sound as creepy as it did.  I don’t know why my voice got deep like that.  See you man.

Team Submarine Takes Chicago!

Hey Chicago!

Remember Team Submarine? You don’t?! Then how the hell did you find your way to our blog? Nonetheless, we remember you. We also remember that time you borrowed $12 from us. But we’ve decided to forget about it as long as you come to one of our shows this weekend. As we’ll be making a brief return to do some shows at the Chicago Sketchfest and The Lincoln Lodge.

We’ve been preparing an all-new for Sketchfest, and you’ve got two chances to catch! Friday, January 9th and Saturday, January 10th both at 11:00 PM. It’s at the Theatre Building Chicago on 1225 W Belmont. We can confidently say that if you miss this show, it’ll probably be one of the five things you regret the most in your life. Or at least that weekend. Tickets are twelve dollars, but it’s a full show, so it ends up coming out to something like $8 a laugh. You can find a Facebook event for it here.

But if you have children or are a child and can’t make the 11:00 PM show, then you’ve got a chance to catch us doing a set at The Lincoln Lodge on Friday, January 9 at 9:00 PM. This show will also feature the triumphant returns of Brady Novak and TJ Miller.

But if you can’t make any of those shows, we’re gonna try and do a show INSIDE OF THE MILLENNIUM PARK BEAN (still working on the permits – the city is being seriously difficult).

And just for kicks, why not read the article that we wrote for Time Out Chicago about Sketchfest last year?

RESOLUTIONS

Last year I fell short on almost all of my new year’s resolutions.  I had dreams of quitting smoking and organizing my office.  I was going to be less argumentative and eat healthier.  A year later I realize that things have actually gotten worse; I’ve started smoking in my office and I find myself  yelling at cheeseburgers.  But maybe it’s not me, maybe it’s the resolutions.  We’ve got to be realistic with ourselves.  Set goals that are reasonable.  With that in my mind I’ve resolved to do things in 2009 that I know I can do. I’d appreciate it if you guys would all keep me accountable to these resolutions in the coming year.  Here goes!  In 2009 I resolve:

• To stop yelling that “VHS is making a comeback” when I’m at the bank.
• To try new things on the dollar menu.  
• To keep my opinions about Shia Labeouf to myself (unless asked).  
• To stop trying to impress girls by telling them that Total Recall is based on a true story. 
•  To high five the bathroom mirror less.
• To do more pushups.
• To stop calling drugs: “pushups”
• To kill a mockingbird.  Why not, right?
• To get a cabin in the woods and finally finish the classic, all american blog I’ve always wanted to write.
• To figure out which of my twin sons is which.
• To finish my tattoo of the cast of Empty Nest.
• To stop writing angry letters about journalistic integrity to Fangoria magazine. 
• To only refer to 2009 as “The year I sat on the world’s face.”

Visions From The Future