A Year In Review

A lot of important things happened in 2K8. But probably the most important thing that happened was that we started updated our blog regularly (okay, maybe it was the second most important thing [the first being the premiere of Worst Week]). So as this historical year comes to a close, we thought we’d leave you with one more year-end list. This is a list of our favorite blog posts that we’ve made over these past twelve months. Many of them were made before we had the readership that we have today (back when just Steve read the blog, but now Nate reads it too), so here’s an opportunity to catch up on some stuff you may have missed. In no particular order, they are:

Makin’ It Big In NYC
Learn about Team Submarine’s quest for television sitcom fame.

How To Dismantle An Atomic Steve
Steve’s penchant for luck changes the face of music forever.

There’s A Party In My Pool, And You’re Invited
It’s still not too late to R.S.V.P. to what’s bound to be Burning Man of pool parties.

The Sexplanation
By far the raciest post this blog have ever seen. Read it, and be forced to picture Steve having sex.

Working For The “Man”
It’s not necessarily what you do for work, but who you work with that matters.

Saving Lives Is My Job
Red and blue. Red and blue. Dance with me tonight!

Wanted: Orgy Coach
Looking for the perfect instructor to help craft the perfect orgy.

A Night Out With The Folks
Even when you graduate, parents are still embarrassing.

What Doesn’t Belong In This Picture?
This post ended up changing Team Submarine forever, as it was our introduction to Catman.

Missed Connections
Do you ever think that if you just said “hi” to that cute guy or girl on the train that maybe it could have prevented all your friends from being murdered? We’ve all been there!

And with that, I think we can officially end the year a few weeks early. Thanks for reading, and we’ll see you in 2009, where we’ve got lots to look forward to, like: a brief jaunt through Chicago, the release of our debut album, more stupid things, more shows and, of course, more Catman. And though I’m excited for the coming year, I’m more than a little bummed that I can’t wear these anymore:

BEST OF 2008

As another year comes to a close, many of us are looking forward to seeing our friends and family.  It will be a time for presents and parties.  A time to reflect on what we’ve lost and gained.  But let’s not forget the true meaning of this season: “BEST OF” LISTS.   We’d like to share some of our favorite lists that we’ve compiled throughout this amazing year.  You’ll probably notice some big changes from last year’s list;  a few surprises, a few dark horses and many choices you probably won’t agree with, but that’s half the fun of these year end lists.  Let the great debate of 2008 begin!  Here is the definitive “best of ” list of 2008:

BEST “BEST LISTS OF 2008″ OF 2008

#3:  BEST COLORS OF 2008

1. PURPLE
2. GREEN
   
3. RED
4. YELLOW
5.  ORANGE

*HONORABLE MENTION: BLUE

#2: BEST DAYS OF THE WEEK OF 2008

1. FRIDAY
   
2. SATURDAY
   
3. THURSDAY
   
4. SUNDAY
   
5. TUESDAY
   
6. WEDNESDAY
   
7. MONDAY
8. MONDAY
9. SUNDAY NIGHT (IF YOU STILL HAVEN’T DONE YOUR HOMEWORK)
10. MONDAY

 #1: BEST NUMBERS OF 2008

1. 1
   
2. 2
   
3. 3
   
4. 4
   
5. 5
   
6. 6
   
7. 7
   
8. 8
   
9. 9
   
10. 10

We also have a special guest giving his own personal list for the year:

BEST NUMBERS OF 2008
(According to your 16 year old step brother)

1. 69
2. #2
3. 420
4. 666
5. 311
6. 227
7. Gremlins 2: The New Batch
8. One Zillion……………………………………………………..DILDOS!!!
9. SEX
10. BUTTS

Happy Holidays Everyone!

Visions From The Future

See more visions from the future here.

BIG KENNY’S CRAZY AUTO SALE BLOWOUT!!!

 

Act fast!  I repeat, act fast!  I’m here at Big Kenny’s Auto-Land and Big Kenny has gone CRAZY!  He’s slashing prices on all 2008 models.  That’s right! Prices have been cut on all 2008 Honda, Volkswagen, Ford, KIA, Mitsubishi, Chrysler, and Chevrolet!  No sane person could possibly sell their cars at prices this low but Big Kenny has completely lost his mind!  Aside from this Gigantic Sale here at Big Kenny’s Auto-Land, he has also taken all of us hostage.  I’m under a desk on my cellphone right now.  He already shot a man in the leg “as a warning of what’s to come if we don’t cooperate with the Almighty Seeker.”  He said there’s a sad little boy that lives in his heart and he has to keep feeding him the screams of others.  I’m scared for my life, please come soon.  Also though, these prices are ridiculous.  He just sold a 2006 Honda Civic to a young couple for $2400 down as long as they promised they’d name their firstborn child after the Utah Jazz.  What a steal!  Oh god, he just came back inside.  He says he wants everyone to try to imagine the earth before the men of this world started tying their dicks together in a giant knot of flesh, power and self loathing.  The first one to imagine it gets O% financing on the new Mitsubishi Galant.  I’m imagining it but I’m afraid to raise my hand.  My husband will kill me if he realizes I passed up an opportunity like this.  Oh no!  Oh my god.  Oh god no!  He just carved the word “Traitor” into his stomach with a switchblade and said he doesn’t care if customers have poor credit, bad credit or no credit at all!  What the hell is going on?!  Nothing is making sense anymore.  He just promised me that if he doesn’t find me a four door sedan that I like then his preparation for the second coming of the Golden Fang means nothing.  So get on down to Big Kenny’s Auto-Land before Kenny comes to his senses and ends this sale or stops yelling “the blood rodent will finally find his bride!”

Introducing Nate-flix

I don’t know about you guys, but I have had it up to HERE with Netflix! First you have to wait for the disc to show up, then it ends up being scratched and you have to wait for it all over again! And I just can’t take it anymore!

So that’s why I’m offering a new video service called NATE-Flix for the low price of FREE.99 a month! (to be clear, that’s $3.99 a month, but I felt it necessary to phonetically type out my speech impediment)

Here’s how it works: I’ve got a collection of about 14 DVDs and a handful of  unlabeled VHS tapes (FYI – most of them are probably Skin-a-max!!!$$$). You call me up when you want to watch a movie, and then I bring one over to your place and we watch it. Unfortunately, I can’t let you pick the movie because  sometimes my roommates borrow them and lose them. And sometimes I only feel like watching Return of the King.  But because I’m not giving you the option to chose the movie, I am going to give you the option of either having me sit quiet during the film or make wise-cracks throughout the entire thing (examples: “I could’ve read the book in less time than it takes to watch this movie!” or “by the time this movie is over my clothes are gonna go out of style!” or “I could watch the first two Lord of the Rings movies in less time than it takes to watch this one!”) But I encourage you to chose the option where I talk throughout the movie, because I will probably do that anyway. Also, you must supply popcorn and warm milk (1%). No exceptions.

Oh, and the ladies can upgrade to Nate-flix Premium at no extra cost. With this plan, after we finish watching the movie I linger around outside of your door for about two hours. Then when you finally get creeped out and ask me to leave, I’ll ask you if I can borrow money for a cab.

So what are you waiting for? Sign up now before my friends convince me this is a bad idea!

Visions From The Future

Here are some comics that I made to show you what I think the future will be like. If 100 years from now these predictions are true, then please use your time machine to come back and high-five me and tell me how right I was. But if they aren’t true, then please use your time machine to come back and tell me not to post them. And if time machines don’t exist, then I guess I’ll just have to look like an asshole forever.

Hair Today

When a man starts losing his hair he’s forced to start asking some pretty tough questions. Questions like:
“Will I ever fuck again?”
“Who will fuck me now?”
“Maybe she’d fuck me?”
“Is it wrong to trick someone into fucking me?”
“If I don’t fuck something soon I’m going to kill someone…?”
“What’s the address of that massage parlor in Chinatown?”

The answer to all your questions can be answered in one word: (The) Brosley (Corporation).

For the last forty five years our Brosley scientists and doctors have worked relentlessly on finding a cure for male pattern baldness. With new technological advances and the brightest minds working in their field, Brosley found a solution. Remember the days when you would shamefully hide your balding head under a measily baseball hat before you went out? Well, those days are over. Here at Brosley, we’ve created specially designed Brosley Baseball Hats for you to wear outside of the house. Hats that say “NOT BALD” and “FULL HEAD OF HAIR BENEATH HAT” and “IT’S A JUNGLE (OF HAIR) UNDER HERE.” No one will even suspect that you have lost your hair. Why would they? Every two months we will refit you with a new hat to fit the season (like “IT’S SUMMERTIME AND I’M NOT BALD.”)

Looking for a more permanent solution? Afterall, a hat can only take you so far because eventually you will have to take it off, right? WRONG. Here at Brosley, we surgically graft a hat onto your head so you will never even have to think about taking it off again. Afraid it will look unnatural? At Brosley, we take pieces of fabric from your already existing hats to create a more a natural looking hat. It’s a hat you can wear in the shower or in that new convertible you bought with all that money and gold you got with your new self confidence. After a few weeks you’ll find that spouses and coworkers won’t even be able to tell it’s not your real hat. The only problems you’ll have to worry about now are the things that actually matter.

Hide it with the best. Hide it with Brosley.

*Side effects include trophies and loads of pussy.

Apartment Warming Party

I just moved into a beautiful new apartment, and I’ll be having one hell of an apartment warming party this weekend! It’s a studio apartment and is a little on the small side, so I’m gonna have to set a few ground rules:

• BYOB! I’d love to provide it for you, but I only have a mini-fridge so I can’t hold a lot of beer. Also, said fridge doubles as my sock drawer. So don’t bring anymore drinks than you can hold!
• I have three roommates – please be respectful of their areas! Kevin usually hangs out by the sink, Mac owns the closet and Timbo pays the most rent so the bathtub is his. RESPECT THESE AREAS.
• The guys were cool enough to let me rope off a 3 by 4 foot area for the party, so please RSVP with the times that you plan on arriving and leaving. There is only enough space for a maximum of three guests at a time, so this whole thing needs to be orchestrated perfectly down to the last minute.
• BE ON TIME! If you’re scheduled to leave at 9:00, then you must leave at 9:00 in order to make space for the next guest.
• There is no working plumbing in the building, so GO TO THE BATHROOM AT YOUR OWN PLACE BEFORE YOU ARRIVE. Kevin hates it when you use his sink, and he’s letting me borrow his tape deck for the party so I’d really like for you to be cool to him.
• DO NOT WEAR A WINTER COAT. Leave it at home! For every two people wearing winter coats, that’s one less guest we can have. I’m sorry if you get cold while walking to my place, but I assure you it will get unbearably hot in the apartment within five minutes of arriving.
• And most importantly…have fun!

So that about covers it! If I can get my flat screen set up in time we may be able to get a round of Scene It going. Otherwise, nothing gets a party going like trust falls! (though given the lack of space, we’ll probably have to restrict the activity to trust leans) Hope to see you there!

Get a couple of Mai Tais into me and I can almost guarantee this will happen by midnight.

Jumping For Joy

We’ve been cast!!!

…Podcast, that is. Our friends Zachary Sims and Mark Normand run a great podcast called Jumping For Joy and recently had Team Submarine on as their guests. You can get it on iTunes by searching for “Jumping For Joy” or download it here.

Just a few topics that were covered in the podcast: Friends, donuts, going bottomless, Steve’s childhood and Nate’s sad weekends! Download and enjoy.

Givin’ Thankz

While we are all still recovering from the long Thanksgiving weekend I thought I might share all the things I am thankful for.  Feel free to chime in with the things you’re thankful for as well.

I AM THANKFUL FOR/THAT:

• I have a beautiful wife and two wonderful children
• I have another “secret” wife and a “secret” son Andrew (who I nicknamed “Silence”)
• The phrase “Do you guys think I’m insecure?”
• Statute of Limitations 
• We elected a black president!  Next you’ll tell me GnR’s finally releasing Chinese Democracy.  Wha-huh?!  Next you’re going to tell me that Batman might be up for an oscar.  Ok, now you’re just lying!
• I finally came out and told my dad that he’s gay.
• The annual holiday gift that is the new Will Smith movie
• My uncle not asking the question “How’s your relationship with the Lord going?” this year
• No one even noticed I changed my gender
• Being poor is “in” again 
• It’s only Sunday and I don’t have to go back to work until-oh fuck, hey who’s been messing with my Ziggy one-a-day calendar?  

But most of all I’m thankful for all my family and friends (that I created on Second Life).  Happy Holidays.

I am, however, not thankful for this.