Thanksgiving is coming right up. It’s one of those times of the year where you see a lot of family members who you don’t normally see. And if you’re anything like me, about 20 minutes into dinner you realize that you have nothing in common with these people and have run out of things to talk about. Just in case that happens, I’ve provided a couple of fun family activities to help pass the time and loosen things up a little bit.
First up is the classic “Hand Turkey.” We all know this one! You trace your hand, and then decorate it to look like a turkey! It’s fun for the whole family and absolutely hilarious! And everybody’s turkey is unique. Here’s an example:
Now I know you’re probably saying “But that activity is for kids! What am I supposed to do keep Uncle Ron entertained when he’s drunk on wine coolers and covered cranberry sauce?” Easy! You up the ante a little bit and take advantage of what’s going to happen anyway with a fun, crafty activity that I like to call the “Wang Hat.”
It’s simple: Just throw your junk on a piece of paper, trace it, and then decorate it to look like a pilgrim’s hat! It’s fun, educational and totally gross. It’s time we started preserving those Thanksgiving memories instead of repressing them. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!
Some of you may recall that I got a new job some months back (if you never read about it, you may want to before reading any further). Well, let’s just say that my boss kept HOUNDING me and I ended up in the DOGHOUSE. But after six weeks of unemployment, I’ve finally found work. I can’t say I like it as much as my old job, because most of the employees are judgmental assholes who only care about themselves. Let me introduce you to them.
This is Mila, the secretary. Total wench. My first day there I tried to introduce myself to her and she was all like “We don’t get paid to socialize.” Geeze, lady! Put your claws away! LITERALLY! So I retaliated by saying “I didn’t realize they were hiring FERAL CATS at this office!” We haven’t spoken since. Oh, by the way Mila, HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO CATCH THAT MOUSE?
This is Wafer, the new guy. He’s alright, I guess. The only thing I have against him is that he’s barely out of college and already makes twice my salary! When I found that out, all I could say was “You have got to be KITTEN me!” I mean, that’s a lot of SCRATCH. How is that even PAWSible? He also smokes about eight packs of cigarettes a day. He coughs all the time and when I tell he should quit, he just responds with “IT’S PROBABLY JUST A HAIRBALL.” And I’m all like “Yeah, a malignant hairball!”
This is Mike, the IT guy. He’s probably about to get fired (ABANDONED) because every time he tries to fix my computer, he just swats at the ethernet cable for an hour and then falls asleep on the modem! And then he has the nerve to tell me I wasted his time. Not to mention he’s always calling in sick and saying he has a (CAT SCRATCH) FEVER. But I know he’s FE-LYIN’, I mean talk about a tall TAIL (tall tale)! Are you FUR REAL (FOR REAL)? I hope he’s able to get a good REF-FUR-ENCE (REFERENCE) so he can find a new job. But I’m sure he’ll LAND ON HIS FEET.
Don’t even get me started on Jammer! He works in CATStomer service and is the office “funny guy.” He’s always playing these awful pranks on people, as you can clearly see in the picture. Hey, Jammer! That’s my INBOX, not your LITTER BOX you sick fuck! But I have to admit, it was pretty funny when he put CATNIP in the coffee pot. Mila got so stoned that she actually tried to eat her COMPUTER MOUSE (hence my comment from before). It was a CATASTROPHE (CATASTROPHE). Man, Jammer was having the time of his (NINE) LIFE(S).
And this a-hole is Bubastis. He runs the whole joint. I guess you could call him the PURR-ESIDENT (PRESIDENT) of the company. Talk about a FAT CAT! He’s always keeping TABBIES on his co-workers. Be careful, though. He may look fun to hang out with, but he’s actually a money laundering racist (NOTICE THE LACK OF BLACK CATS IN THE OFFICE). I know there’s Mila, but she’s only half black. And Bubastis didn’t even want to hire her, but had to because of aFURmative action (affirmative action)!
Then there’s this guy. He doesn’t even work here, he just shows up everyday and hangs out by the water cooler making moves on all of the women. And then whenever I ask him to leave he just moonwalks on my desk and laughs at me! Then he goes into the kitchen and just starts eating people’s lunches and telling them how good it tastes. And nobody wants to punch him in the face because they’re afraid he might be the bosses son! CATMAN!!!
Not sure who this guy is, but the other day he just waltzed into the office and murdered all of my co-workers. Looks like there’s a new boss in town!
Here’s a sample resume that you are welcome to use as a template for the next time you’re job hunting. Obviously you want to start by telling them your name and describing your physical features. These just happen to be mine but feel free to use them.
Steve O’Brien
5′ 10″
Hair: Brown
Build: I have the body of a very successful gamer
Awesome Dick
Objective To obtain a position that will sound impressive at my high school reunion.
Summary of Experience
Great with computers. I can play a game of solitaire without you even knowing it. In fact, I can play a game of solitaire without me even knowing it. I’m probably playing right now.
Became president of a major company for a while because two old rich white guys made a bet.
Editor at Runway Magazine (I played Meryl Streep’s character Miranda in my college’s stage production of The Devil Wears Prada)
Opened and retained million dollar accounts.
Went to prison for 3 years for “lying” about opening and retaining million dollar accounts
Coined the phrase “Over here guys!”
Wrote 6 episodes of ‘Herman’s Head’ fan fic before I even knew it was a show.
Developed legally binding contracts that put me in possession of human souls (this mostly just worked in 3rd grade).
Pretended a tennis racket was a guitar.
Have “taken everyone down with me” at previous jobs.
Strengths I look “legal.” I am always “fashionably late.” I have two black friends (and yes I can tell them apart. One of them has a scar and that really helps. His name is Seal. Not that Seal. Wait you did mean the singer? Then yes, that Seal). I own a Ford Taurus wagon. It’s teal. I always tell people “This car is the Teal Deal.” I also do a great Christopher Walken impression: ”Hello.” See, pretty good right?
Weaknesses I can’t say no to birthday cake (or meth). I also am very friendly. I know that doesn’t sound like a weakness but my friendliness actually stems from a deep seeded insecurity rooted in never really knowing my father.
Former Employment If you’re like me then you don’t want to tell them about your old jobs because then they might want to call them. If they want references just give them the number for a chinese food delivery place. Employer’s love it when you goof on them like that and who doesn’t love chinese?!
Has anyone ever gotten you good? I mean really good. Maybe they tricked you into writing the word “PENIS” on your hand with the old “PEN 15″ routine. Or perhaps you’ve fallen asleep at a party and woke up with a penis drawn on your forehead. Or maybe they gave you a really nice tuxedo to wear to the gala but it turned out the tux looked a lot like a big penis. These pranks have all happened to us and we’ve all laughed about them later and then cried about them much later when we were by ourselves. The next step is always figuring out how you will get them back. If you’re like us you have no sense of humor and will want to retaliate in a completely disproportionate way. We deal in what we like to call: LIFE PRANKS.
LIFE PRANKS are pranks that won’t just embarrass people for a measly moment but rather their entire lifetime. For instance a recent client named Josh had been embarrassed by his co-worker Ted when he was told that there was cake in the break room. However when he got to the break room he found not a cake but rather a baby shower that he then had to linger around at for the next ten minutes or so just to be nice. Ted had pranked him good but now it was our turn to LIFE PRANK him!
We hired an actress to hit on Ted at a bar a few weeks later. They got extremely drunk and we staged it so he believed that he’d gotten so drunk that he had slept with the woman. Ted never told his his wife or kids about this. Nine months later we had the actress go to Ted’s work and tell him in front of everyone that she’s pregnant. His marriage falls apart immediately after and he’s now paying child support to our little baby actor Fredrick for the next 18 years. Not to mention the emotional attachment he’ll have to the child and it’s mother while he toils through his life angry and alone. Now the best part is that we waited 54 years and then visited Ted on his deathbed to tell him “You’ve been LIFE PRANKED!” and our old friend Josh came out and said ”There’s cake in the break room buddy!” Then we all had a good laugh (except Ted).
LIFE PRANKS also offers great prank packages that you can mix and match including: Unforeseen Manslaughter, Sporadic Dream Crushing, Horrific Body Tattoos, Sudden Gay Son, Accelerated Debilitating Guilt, Shark Attack, “The Abortion Didn’t Take,” Unanticipated Deportation, Monstrous Debt, Unpredicted Alienation, Surprise Plastic Surgery, and Seymour Butts.
Anyone who’s ever spent more than five minutes with me knows that I just love a good romance. There’s just something intimately satisfying reading a romance novel and pretending that I’m a lonely midwestern housewife who is pretending that she’s a character in a romance novel. And what with the economy how it is, I figure why not turn that passion into profit? So I’ve decided to write my own romance novel. It’s about a woman with boobs and a dress who meets a man that doesn’t wear shirts. I don’t want to give too much away, but let’s just say that they hit it off IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN (INTERCOURSE). The only problem is that I can’t settle on a title. Here’s some that I’ve come up with, but I’d love your input as to which one I should actually use.
A Fistful Of Man
Uncover Thy Boner
Intercourse Village
Intercourse Castle
Intercourse Hut
A Wistful Throbbing
Dark Night, Deep Vag
An English Pound
Boner Honer
Rump Hump
Rump Hump & The Boner Honer
And if it helps you decide on a title, here is the potential cover art:
Hey, a new video! It’s a clip from the CD taping we did at The Annoyance Theatre in Chicago back in March of this year. If you think the video is good, just think of how great the audio will be on its own. You can view the video at all of the standard video sites (YouTube, MySpace, Funny or Die), or just watch it here:
If you enjoyed it and want to do us a favor, then go here and click the “Funny” button (as in “I thought this was funny”) at the end of the video. If you didn’t enjoy it, then click the “Funny” button (as in “Funny how much I didn’t enjoy this”) at the end of the video. Thanks!
Many thanks to our good friend Zoran who shot and edited this for us.
It is on this momentous day in our countries history that we, The Chicago Daily Tribune, must actually print a retraction. Late last night, we made a last minute call and declared that Governor Dewey had defeated President Truman and thus become the United States president elect. We must now retract that announcement. Dewey did not in fact beat Truman last night. As it turns out neither of those men were running for president. Upon further research we found that those guys aren’t even alive anymore because that election was like 80 years ago. The race was actually between Barack Obama and John McClain (which apparently everyone knew about but me and my staff. Sorry but we can’t all owns laser disc players that give us all our news). We feel really dumb about this one. Seriously, I really didn’t want to go back into work today. My kids won’t even look me in the eye. It’s not even like a funny goof, like when you accidently put on your wife’s jacket and everyone laughs. No, this is a bad goof. This is a “things got a little out of hand when we were wrestling and now he’s not breathing anymore” goof. We apologize for our mistake. The article now reads “OBAMA DEFEATS TRUMAN”. And what a defeat it was! Actually my sources are telling me now that this is a historic win because Obama’s running mate, Joe Biden, will now become the very first white vice president in our nation’s history. That’s the news for now. I have to go and pack up my belongings. God Bless America.
Nate here, blogging to you live from my apartment in Brooklyn, NY. The election just started and there are TONS of cool graphics flying all over the screen. I’ll be posting updates throughout the night whenever anything important happens. Stay tuned!
UPDATE – Things are heating up! The race is on and it’s too early to call anything yet.
UPDATE – Things are cooling down! There are pretty much just words and faces on the screen. No jokes, no boobs. Kinda boring stuff. I tried to change the channel, but this election stuff is everywhere. I feel like I’m in Die Hard 4: Live Free or Die Hard. Seriously, all I want to do is watch The New Adventures Of Old Christine. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK OF THIS COUNTRY?
UPDATE – Problem solved. Just popped in disc one of Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King. I’m really nervous. My life is about to change forever.
UPDATE – WOW. Look at these special effects. Is this REAL?
UPDATE – Frodo has the ring, but Golem is sneaking up on him. I’d like to think that Frodo will keep the ring to the end, but I can’t say for sure yet. Actually, I can because this is the 14th time I’ve watched this movie.
UPDATE – Frodo’s just made it to Mordor! It’s happening! It’s really happening! I think he’s going to do it. If this happens, Middle Earth will never be the same.
UPDATE – It’s pretty much official. Frodo saved Middle Earth. He dropped the ring into the lava. I mean, it’s still falling, but I think it’s safe to say that it’s going to land in the lava.
UPDATE – Okay, it’s in the lava. I’m getting a little misty-eyed. I mean humans, wizards, elves, dwarves and GHOSTS all working together for a common cause. It’s a pretty beautiful thing. Though I’m not sure how fair it is that ghosts were allowed to take part in the battle, being dead and all.
UPDATE – Okay, so I fell asleep during the 12th ending to this movie and slept for a good few hours. WHO THE FUCK IS OUR PRESIDENT?
UPDATE – OH MY GOD!!! THE NEW KILLERS ALBUM JUST LEAKED!!!!!!!! I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW!!! THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING THING TO HAPPEN IN THE LAST EIGHT YEARS!!!
