Halloween Is About To Get A Whole Lot Spookier

I don’t know about you guys, but it’s been a good long while since I’ve really had a good scare on Halloween. The last time I can remember being scared on Halloween was when I was 14 years old and my dad put on a Freddy Krueger mask and explained to me in detail how I was conceived. But I think the problem is that all of these Halloween monsters (i.e. mummys) are just played out. I mean, maybe the first time I saw a pumpkin I got so scared that I blacked out for six days and woke up in the YMCA boiler room and couldn’t remember how to do math, but that was year ago! If Halloween wants to be scary again, then wee need some NEW MONSTERS. Something more terrifying than anything we’ve every seen before. And that’s exactly what I’ve done. But be warned! If you have any desire to sleep soundly within the next four years, point your browser elsewhere! Might I recommend here?

Now for the first monster, picture something as scary as Frankenstein, and then make it even scarier by making it GROSS. I now present to you…

FRANKENSLIME

Up next, picture something as scary as a Werewolf, but scarier. So scary, that it can only be called…

SCAREWOLF

Okay, so there aren’t any pictures. Well unfortunately (fortunately, actually), these pictures are just too scary for the Internet. Even the latest version Firefox doesn’t have enough gigabytes to display how terrifying this is. The technology just doesn’t exist! So just think about something that is so scary that it can’t be seen by modern technology. Scared yet? Thought so.

And if you’re like me and are too old to go trick-or-treating and too young to just be okay with not going out for Halloween, then maybe you should try eating at these spooky restaurants:

• Spooky Tuesday’s (Ruby Tuesday’s)
• Spookybee’s (Applebee’s)
• Outback Spookhouse (Outback Steakhouse)
• TGI Spooky’s (Thank Ghosts It’s Spooky’s [TGI Friday's])

It’s just like trick-or-treating, except instead of going from house to house and getting free candy, you go from restaurant to restaurant and pay $30 for a meal and diarrhea.

And here are a couple of other spooking things to scare you on Halloween:

This cat’s owner is positive that their cat loves them:

This guy is sleeping with your girlfriend.

This Halloween, Make Your Fantasies Come True

Hey guys, Halloween is coming right up and if you’re like me you’re probably scrambling to think of a costume idea.  Now there are a lot of classics costumes out there like a “Cowboy” or a “Cowgirl” or a “Slutty Cowgirl” or a “Slut” or a “Slutty Slut” or a “Former Cowgirl Who Is Now Just A Full-time Slut.”  See where I’m going with this?  Halloween is all about having one night a year where you can live out your fantasy and play it off like a joke.  For instance, last year I played out one of my long time fantasies when I dressed up as “Son Who Isn’t A Disappointment To His Father.”  It was a hit at the party.  I just dressed “respectable for once,” talked about investments along with my role in the church and then I hugged my own baby boy who will continue the family name (Baby boy not included in costume, had to rent him separately).  My dad would have loved this costume.  Ironically, that same night I ended up trying Ecstasy for the first time and spent most of the night fucking the cake.  Sorry dad!   But that’s just one example, there are thousands of other fantasy costumes you can wear this Halloween.  You could dress up as: “Guy Who Finished College,”  ”Lawyer Who Doesn’t Fuck Every Guy She Meets At Last Call,”  ”Teacher Who Has The Courage To Leave Husband,” “Cop Who Isn’t Afraid To Dance At Weddings,” “Accountant Who Doesn’t Lie About Hitting Homeless Guy With Car,” “Doctor Who Hasn’t Lost Anyone On Operating Table Due To Excessive Drinking At Work,” and finally “Soldier Who Is Comfortable Enough With Himself That He Doesn’t Mind Sharing That He Kissed A Guy In Vietnam.”  All of these costumes are available (along with their “sexy” versions) over at AMAZON.COM but feel free to make your own as well.  Happy Halloween!!!

A Movie For Your Ears (And Also Your Eyes)

Hey everybody, film director Kent Bratner here. You might know me as the guy who directed the prequel to Dog Day Afternoon (called Dog Night Afternoon), the remake of Deer Hunter (called Clone Hunter), and the re-imagining of Serpico (called Monster-In-Law).  Just wanted my fans to be the first to know that even though I have not yet finished shooting my new film UNTITLED RYAN REYNOLDS/JASON BIGGS PROJECT, I have already begun production on the commentary for it. I am confident when I say that this is, without a doubt, the best commentary I have ever been a part of, bar none.  The anecdotes are like scripture, the inside jokes should be chiseled on stone tablets, and the production notes could be transcribed and taught at universities.  At one point Biggs tells a story about the lighting for one scene that gets so technical that we almost had to…well, you’re just going to have to hear it for yourself to believe it.  

Had enough?  Well that’s too bad because we got a whole lot more.  We’ve got cameo commentators dropping in just to party, including VING RHAMES, DAN CORTEZ, KELSEY GRAMMAR, and CALISTA FLOCKHEART all giving their take on the film (and mentioning how they wish they’d been asked to be in the actual film rather than just the commentary). Plus we’ve got RACHEL RAY stopping in to mention what her favorite scene was and teaching us how to make her world famous Low Fat Strawberry Rhubarb Crumble Cake. Then, just when you thought we couldn’t pack any more action into this commentary, we’ve got LINKIN PARK here to rock out over the credits with their new smash single “My Soul Got In A Car Accident.”  Still not satisfied?  Well, how about a few teasers to wet your appetite.  You’ll hear stories and quips like “Remember how cold it was that day?” and “She was nice to work with.” And that’s just a taste!.  

In fact, it was such a great experience that we went back and recorded a commentary of us listening to the commentary.  We had a blast commenting on our comments and complimenting our compliments.  At one point Ryan goes “Is that what I really sound like when I watch myself?” and Biggs goes “No, that’s what you look like when you smell yourself.” That’s just one of the many gems you’ll find when you listen to The Commentary of The Commentary. It should be out by next spring and be on the look out for the remake of the original commentary followed by a director’s cut of the original with added computer generated vocal effects.

Let’s Party

Normally I love to party. I can have a great time at pretty much any party you invite or don’t invite me to. But sometimes when you go to a party, it’s just filled with the worst people and it totally ruins your partying experience. I had such an experience last night, and it made me think “I need to meet some new people!” I’ve tried online dating, but it just doesn’t work for me. Those questionnaires that they give you never have questions that apply to me. So I decided to make my own online dating site with a questionnaire that applys to me and people like me, so hopefully we can one day meet and party together and just have an all-out great time.

Word that describe you (choose four)

1. Friendly
2. Outgoing
3. Relaxed
4. Really great taste in backpacks

My friends would describe me as:

1. The life of the party!
2. A good listener
3. Not my friend
4. No, seriously, he’s not my friend. I met the guy at a party once and he a he kept asking me to hold his backpack for him. It’s like, “put in on your back! It’s a backpack!” Really, what’s this guys deal?

In a mate, I look for:

1. Someone to love
2. Someone to hold
3. Someone to hold my backpack

In a backpack, I look for:

1. Something stylish
2. Something practical
3. Something that can be easily held by other people when I am at parties

Pet peeves:

1. Dirty dishes
2. Ringtones
3. People who think it’s such a huge deal when someone kindly asks you to hold their backpack while they party

My ideal date would consist of:

1. Dinner and a movie
2. A quiet night in
3. A great party filled with people just dying to hold your backpack for you

Your ex-girlfriends would say this about you:

1. A nice guy, but we just weren’t meant for each other
2. One track mind
3. Really wish I would’ve just held his backpack while he partied. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but I guess it was. Now I’m alone and sad and can’t find anybody to ask me to hold their backpack while they party

When at a party, you:

1. Keep to yourself
2. Mingle
3. Ask strangers to hold your backpack while you party, and then when they’re total dicks about it and are all like “Sorry, man. But I really just don’t feel like holding a backpack right now,” you throw a fit and start knocking everyone’s drinks out of their hands until they have the audacity to ask you to leave

If I could go back in time and change one thing, I would:

1. Stop Hitler
2. Save JFK
3. Really tell those guys off after they opted out of holding my backpack while I partied

My kind of girls!

Record Reviews

One of my favorite things to do is go to Amazon.com and read one-star reviews of my favorite things (albums, movies, books, cook ware, etc.) It just interests me to see what can make someone have such strong a hatred for something that I love so much. Usually these one-star reviews are written by angry 16 year olds who got said merchandise on their birthday from a parent they were mad at. And thus it hardly ends up being a review at all and is instead more along the lines of “wTf, this is gaye. by st anger. METALLICA ROXXX!!!” thus further re-enforcing my excellent taste in cook ware.

So I thought that I’d show these kids how to actually write a bad review.  And just to make things as unbiased as possible, I’ve decided to take one of my all-time favorite albums and do my best to tear it apart track by track. The album I’ve chosen is Weezer’s Pinkerton, an album I’ve owned since the 6th grade and still listen to regularly to this very day.

1. “Tired Of Sex” – This guy may be Tired Of Sex, but I’m TIRED OF THIS SONG.  Next please!

2. “Getchoo” – They should change the name of this song from Getchoo to Can’tchoo (write a better song?) Next please!

3. “No Other One” – I’m just glad that there’s No Other One of this song. Next please!

4. “Why Bother?” – Hey, I’ve got a question about Why Bother? and that is, Why Bother writing this song? Next please!

5. “Across The Sea” – Wish this song was Across The Sea so I wouldn’t have to listen to it! Next please!

6. “The Good Life” – I was living The Good Life. That is, until I heard this song. Next please! (alternate: More like The Bad Life. Next please!)

7. “El Scorcho” – Not sure what the word “El Scorcho” means. It must be Spanish for “don’t listen to this song!” Next please!

8. “Pink Triangle” – No matter how hard I (pink) TRYangle, I just can’t enjoy this song. Next please!

9. “Falling For You” – Catchy tune. I like it!

10. “Butterfly” – I wish this Butterfly stayed in its cocoon. Next please!

So there you have it. The perfect bad review. And the best part is, in order to write a bad review, you don’t even have to listen to the album! I hope all you kids learned a thing or three about writing music reviews and will take it to heart next time you tear apart to something I love.

Buy Pinkerton on Amazon or at Insound.

A Tail Of Hatred

 

The upcoming election has unearthed a lot of secret bias and hatred in this country that usually remained buried beneath the surface. I myself have always tried to treat everyone equally but sometimes you just have to be honest about how you feel.  Men with ponytails make my fucking skin crawl. Do what you want in the privacy of your own home, just don’t bring that rubbish into my job, my bar, or my general vicinity. Think about it, these sickos with their “Ponytail Parties” and their “Ponytail Music” are being accepted by our society.  I even heard they’re going to have a new sitcom where the main character has a fucking P-tail! They’re infultrating something as precious as the situation comedy!

 Back in high school I had to sit behind a kid with a ponytail and it nearly drove me to madness. At first I was excited, I was like “Sweet, I got a fine ass lady to look at all day, she’ll be all over me once I give her my famous jelly fish fingers super massage.” But before I could start working my magic, this pimply, burned out excuse for a man turns around and has the nerve to offer me an Altoid. EXCUSE ME?!  So with all the righteous anger I could muster, I slapped that tin of mints flying across the room and proclaimed: “Ponytails hang above a horse’s ass, and that is precisely what you look like right now, you foolish half-male.”

Look, I’m trying to be better though. When a p-tail sits down next to me on the bus, I don’t mumble to myself about “gentrification” anymore. I go to a meetings every Tuesday night for my problem.  Once, one of those types came into talk to us about his lifestyle. It’s funny, he and I actually had a lot in common. He wears sneakers and blue jeans, he likes The Eagles, and he even likes sports teams, just like me. And for a moment, I thought maybe we we weren’t that different after all. But then, of course, he started in with the pony-tail speak. How easy it is to simply “put it through the back of a baseball cap.” How sometimes when he’s nervous, he puts it his in his mouth.  He puts his hair in his fucking mouth! But when he started in on how much his girlfriend loves his hair when he puts it down, well that’s when I had to leave…for his sake, because just then God himself was telling me to pummel this horse-haired assmaster into the fucking ground. I didn’t though. I walked away. And with that, I know I’m getting better. Please pray for me. But more importantly, pray for them.

Making The Perfect Mix Tape

It’s hard to make the perfect mix tape that’ll really sweep a girl off her feet. But if you follow these simple steps, it’s a surefire way to impress that special someone.

1. Start off strong. Choose a song that just comes right out and says how you feel. A song that says “I love you and want to be with you forever.”
2. Track two is crucial, it needs to be a song that says something like “Hey, sorry if I came on too strong before. Didn’t mean to freak you out, I’m just a little nervous and I really like you.”
3. For track three, pick a song that says “Well, maybe we should get to know each other a little bit. Maybe you’d like me too if you just got to know me. I’m a really cool guy.”
4. Now put on a song that’s a little more experimental, something she hasn’t heard before. A song that just screams “You have a boyfriend? Oh, really? What’s his name? How long have you been together?”
5. Next, a try a simple song that says “Why is it taking you so long to answer these questions? If you’ve been together for as long as you say you have, you should know this stuff right off the top of your head. I call bullshit.”
6. We’re a little more into the tape now, so it’s time to start getting a little more personal and specific, with a catchy tune that says “It doesn’t matter how I figured out where you live. Just chill out and give me a chance, okay? Don’t be such a snob.”
7. Next up you want something classic. Something that says “You can’t prove that was me outside your window. You can’t prove anything. And so what if I call you up at 2:00 AM, breathe into the phone and then hang up. That’s my right. Why are you being so weird about this?”
8. Now for a song that subtlety tells the lucky lady “I’ll take my mask off if you stop crying.” (Hint: I think there is a Seal song with these exact words)
9. Track nine is crucial. It needs to be fun, change the mood up a little bit and say something like “Officer, this is all just a big misunderstanding. If you’ll just put your weapons away I can explain everything. I mean, you know how women are, right?”
10. Then something that says “I don’t have to say anything without a lawyer present! And where’s my phone call? I can’t believe you called the cops on me, Karen! I cannot believe it! This is so typical of you!”
11. We’re getting close to the end now so we want something epic. Something monumental, something that resembles the sound of love, the sound of hope, the sound of excitement, the sound you fighting six police officers and then getting tasered and thrown into the back of a squad car.
12. For the final track, you want to end on something really special.  If you’re a musician, I recommend putting an original song here. If you’re not a musician, three to four minutes of heavy breathing should do just fine.

And that’s it. Just Follow the steps and she’ll be as good as yours as long as you remain at least 50 feet away from her at all times. But if this whole mix tape tape thing seems a little old-fashioned to all of you kids in the digital age, you may want to try wooing her with a mix iPod (nano). That way, you can include thousands of songs, movies and videos of her sleeping.

New Website!

As you may have already noticed, our website www.teamsubmarine.net has been completely renovated. And it looks great, if I don’t say so myself (I do!) Think of the last site as Saved By The Bell and this new site as Saved By The Bell: The New Class. Things are different, but there are still some familiar faces. And your favorite childhood memory has been completely bastardized for the modern age. Also, you may notice that on this site there are three different color schemes, and you get to chose the one that best suits your personal taste/mood/race/sexuality/horoscope. That’s right, we’re letting you choose what you want the website to look like. We’re just like really cool 21st century parents! Don’t worry about misbehaving around us, because we subscribe to alternative punishment. So instead of making you sit in the corner, we’ll just make you read a few chapters of Proust and then tell us what you learned from it.

So what are you waiting for? Head on over to www.teamsubmarine.net, get bored very quickly and then immediately come back here. I promise we’ll post more interesting things later in the week.

Travel Games

The holiday season is right around the corner, which means a lot of you will be traveling. And I know how awful those road trips with your family can be, what with nobody able to agree on a radio station, cramped in a Prius with your 14 brothers and sisters and having the family dog fart in your face when all the car windows are closed. So that’s why I’ve decided to make the trip a little more bearable with some road games! Just print out the graphic below and bring it in the car. It’s your classic Roadside Scavenger Hunt. First one to find everything on the card wins! Last one to find everything is forced to leave the family forever.