The Greatest Personality Quiz in Our Universe!

We’ve all done it whether we want to admit or not!  You’re out with a bunch of your best friends and everyone’s had one (or three!) too many apple martinis and the truth starts to really come out!  And the inevitable question comes up:  Which character are you from the movie ‘Space Cowboys’?  In every group of friends there’s always one Frank, Hawk, Jerry or Tank.  So which one are you?  Take our quiz.

 Are you old, cranky and often referred to as “the electrical engineer of the group.”  Then guess what?  You’re Clint Eastwood’s character Frank Corvin.  Like Frank, you like to keep life simple but you’d climb back into that old bucket of bolts if it meant seeing the moon up close one last time.  You also drank a glass of milk in one scene.

Do you like taking risks, pushing test planes to their limit and being old and cranky?  Well, well, well: You’re Tommy Lee Jones’ character Hawk Hawkins!  You’re the “daredevil crop duster” of the group and are probably always saying things like “Not now, please.”  Though it’s not made evident in the film, the subtext suggests that you’re probably intimidated by intelligent women.

Do you have a good sense of direction? Are you religious? Are you old?  Are you cranky?  Then you my friend, are just like James Garner’s character Tank Sullivan.  Every time you mention a short cut around a traffic jam, your friends probably yell “Thanks Tank” and you secretly love it.  You also have a son you’ve never met!

Uh oh, who’s the wild one?  Do you love sex and taking home strangers who are much younger than you?  Are you old and/or cranky?  You’re Donald Sutherland’s character Jerry O’Neil.  You can’t get enough of the wild thing and you’ll never get pinned down (or so you say).  Your love life is a roller coaster ride just like your day job: designing roller coasters. You have never been sad because you are always having sex. 

DING DING DING Bonus Round: Now, this one hurts.  Who is the bitch of the group?  C’mon, who is it?  Are you a back stabbing bitch?  Do you betray friends to get ahead? Do you often become jealous of your friend who is like Frank Corvin? So much so that you get him fired from NASA to prevent him from being the first man in space (this also falls into the category of old and cranky)?  You’re James Cromwell’s character Bob Gerson.  You seem like you have no redeeming qualities and are pretty much a villian but at the end you do the right thing.  But no one likes you at all.  You probably think you’re Tank but you are so not Tank. You’re Bob Gerson and you’ll always be Bob Gerson.

So which Space Cowboy are you?

Learn To Play The Guitar!

Want to learn to play the guitar? Perfect! Because I want to teach you!

My name is Matt Snaith and I’ve been playing the guitar since I was nine* years old. I’ve studied under some of the greatest musicians of our time.** Whether you’re a beginner or an advanced player, I can help you improve your skills!*** I can teach you how to play and even how to read music.**** Prior to teaching, I was a touring guitarist***** but now I’m looking to settle down. I’m the perfect guitar instructor – knowledgeable, experienced, patient****** and excited to teach.******* Don’t have a guitar? No problem!******** We can meet at your place, or you can come to where I live.********* My schedule is flexible,********** so we can easily figure out a time to meet. So what are you waiting for? Give me a call*********** and let’s get started!************

*************

*I wasn’t so much playing when I was nine, but I did throw up on my dad’s guitar after I saw the woman with three boobs in Total Recall.

**His name was Snake Dolenmayer and he lived on my neighbor’s couch. Supposedly he played guitar for Santana. Like, when you listen to a Santana album, it’s not actually Santana playing – it’s Snake. Santana just lip-syncs, but with a guitar instead of his mouth. The guy’s just a pretty face that they use to sell records, but all the talent belongs to Snake Dolenmayer. At least that’s what he told me before he knocked me unconscious, stole my VCR and sold it to buy heroine.

***By advanced, I mean being able to play two chords. I know three chords.

****Lyrics. I can teach you how to read lyrics (it’s a lot like reading a book or a recipe)

*****Back in ‘98 I went to four different Guitar Centers in one day.

******Okay, I’m just gonna put this out there and be up front with you – I’ve been arrested four times for punching waiters in the face when they took too long getting my iced tea. But that was weeks ago and I’m in therapy now, so everything should be fine. But seriously, how long does it take to make an ICED TEA? You’d think I asked them to file my taxes or something. Oh yeah, I also punched my accountant in the face when he took too long filing my taxes.

*******To be completely honest, there are about a hundred other things I’d rather do. But there’s this loan shark who’s literally going to murder me if I don’t get him $5,000 by the end of the month. My original plan was to just sell my VCR for $5,000 but someone really screwed that up for me. I’m really in a bind here and hope you can help me out. Each lesson costs $5,000.

********PROBLEM. I also don’t have a guitar. Pawned it for $12. I meant to use the money to help pay off my debt, but there was a Pizza Hut right next door to the pawn shop. Seriously, what’d you expect me to do? I’d like to see YOU walk by a Pizza Hut with $12 cash in your pocket and NOT go in.

*********Don’t really have a “place” right now. I’m kind of on-the-lamb. Would it be cool if I crashed at your place? That’d make lessons easier for everyone. I’ll also help wash dishes, sweep the floor and try not to creep out your girlfriend/sister/mom/whatever.

**********Available anytime between 2:00 PM and 4:00 PM on even-numbered Wednesdays.

***********Don’t really have a phone, but I usually hang out around the Watertown Mall food court. Just stand around Panda Express and odds are I’ll walk by eventually. You’ll recognize me because I usually wear a blue shirt and jeans.

************Seriously, if you don’t do this, I will most likely be dead within two weeks. You don’t want that on your conscience.

*************This isn’t actually me in the picture, but it’s a pretty good representation of what the lessons will look like: You’ll sit there holding a guitar and avoiding eye contact while I wave my arms around trying to explain to you how messed up the electoral college is.**************

**************This will cost you an extra $4,000.

Cold Turkey

I was fifteen years old and trying to impress this girl I’d met at the beach.  I took one puff and didn’t stop coughing for five minutes.  She just laughed at me.  After that I promised myself I’d never be embarrassed like that again.  I was going to get really good at smoking crack.  But it wasn’t easy back then because my mom still did my laundry.  She would always ask “Why do your t-shirts smell like crack smoke? Are you smoking crack?”  And I would cover by saying “No mom, I don’t smoke crack.  I was just around a lot crack smoke last night because I was hanging out with my crack dealer friend who smokes a lot of crack.  Now get off my crack!  I mean back!”  I knew she totally bought it because then she just fell on her bed and cried.  For a while I was a pretty casual crack smoker.  I would only smoke if I was nervous or up late trying to finish a paper or drinking or stealing or fucking or dealing or fighting or eating or sleeping.  Then I decided to scale it back a little and decided I would only smoke crack when I wasn’t smoking crack.  

You have to understand, back in my day we didn’t know that smoking crack was bad for you.  People would do it in office buildings and in the movies all the time.  Hell, the convenient store use to sell crack pipes made out of bubble gum.  But I knew it was time to quit when my wife Cheryl begged me to stop.  I also knew it was time to quit when my daughter Katie asked me to stop.  I also knew it was time to quit when my crack dealer asked me to stop (choking him).  And so I did.  It’s been five years since I’ve had even a puff and I feel great.  My life is coming into focus. I’m starting to remember things again.  I don’t wake up buried alive in a cemeteries anymore. Sometimes I just have to laugh at all those times I tried to “take someone hostage.”  Everyday is still a struggle though and I’m no angel.  A few nights ago I was standing outside a bar and someone offered me some crack if I sucked his dick.  Ten minutes later I was sucking his dick in the alley and the whole time I was thinking “This isn’t you anymore, man. This is the old you.”  After I was done the guy handed me the crack and I just threw it back at him.  ”Thanks but no thanks, loser!” I yelled. I’m a new man and am starting to feel good again.  Just yesterday my sponsor said I was looking good.  He said: “You look like you’re 50 years old again.”  Which would have been a really nice compliment if I hadn’t just turned 27.

Wanted: Orgy Coach

I just posted this on Craigslist, but figured I’d repost here to see if anybody can help out. Let me know if you’ve got any leads!

Wanted: Orgy Coach

For the past year or so, me and all of my Internet friends meet once a week for a good ol’ fashioned orgy. I know, it sounds all good and fun, but here’s the thing: We’re terrible at it! We have absolutely no idea what we’re doing. Last night during our love pile, something didn’t seem right. So I decided to turn on the lights, only to see Alan attempting to make love to a lamp, Diane trapped under the coffee table, and Mike was absolutely covered in cereal! And about five others were huddled in the corner naked and crying. Some orgy! We’re just a bunch of rag-tag misfits who are passionate about this art/sport, but don’t have the skills to back it up. This is where you come in!

We need someone who’s experienced and knowledgeable about orgies, someone who can choreograph this whole thing for us and tell us who belongs where, who fucks who, what kinds of masks we should wear (these Storm Trooper ones have not been working) and especially to help us figure out where one person ends and another one begins. Oh, and to make sure that everyone turns off their cellphones before we start! Nothing kills a boner like Stan and Michelle getting a call from their daughter right in the middle of everything saying she needs a ride home from work.

We’d probably meet twice a week. The first time would be for a quick rehearsal. Just a dry run to work on positioning and choreography – clothes stay on, nobody cries. And then Fridays would be the hardcore group fuck, followed by Pizza at Uncle Mario’s (optional).

And here are some things that you should be aware of before contacting us:

• You are coaching only. Don’t think of this as a way to work yourself into an orgy, you should want to do this simply for the sake of the art/sport.
• We don’t allow butt stuff or pets, but other than that we’re pretty much no holds barred. Things will get weird.
• All mood music must be pre-approved. We had an incident last month where Debbie just sprung some nu-metal bullshit on us and it totally ruined everything.

Also, this December is the annual New York State Orgy Competition. The Pi Sig group is going to be there again and they win every year and make us look like complete fools. Last year they released a bag of 200 bees right into the middle of our orgy! But this year we’re ready for them. We’re gonna win and show those jerks just what you can accomplish with passion, hard work, dedication and eight gallons of lube.

And just so you know what you’re working with, here is a picture of what went down at our last orgy:

Clearly, we have no idea what we’re doing. We also have no idea who took this picture. But if you know who it was, please kindly ask them to stop blackmailing us.

Missed Connections

YOU: Beautiful, brunette college girl. Very smart. I detect that you might have some secret family issues and you haven’t really met the right guy yet.  Incredibly resilient and a great runner.  Love to watch you run.

ME: Tall 6′ 7″ In pretty good shape (but could lose a few). Very quiet. Masked.  Always carrying a chainsaw. Heavy Breather.

Not sure if you remember me or not but I killed all your friends in high school two years ago.  Almost got you too but you did this really tricky thing with a mirror and I ended up falling off a cliff.  Wish somebody had taped that because it would have probably been huge on youtube. Then last year I killed all the new friends you made while you were working at that summer camp.  Almost killed you again, but you my friend are very handy with a crossbow.  You are F.O.S (that stands for: Full Of Surprises).  Anyways, I was just thinking that you’re in college now and have probably met a whole new set of friends that I would love to meet and then kill.  In case you still don’t know who I am, people call me ”The Mangler.”  Hey, you can’t choose your nick name, right? Wait, can you?  What the fuck?  Ok, from now on I want people to call me BurgerTime. Anyhoo, by the time you actually finish reading this you’ll probably realize that I’m standing right behind you.  Shit, why did I say that?  I’m usually so good with surprises.

What Doesn’t Belong In This Picture?

If you read this site regularly, chances are you work at some boring office job. So I figured I’d make some fun games to help you pass the time. Below you’ll find some of those classic “What Doesn’t Belong In This Picture?” games. Basically, I’ve provided some pictures and you try and figure out what doesn’t belong. The correct answers are linked at the bottom of the post. No cheating, okay?

Picture 1:

Picture 2:

Picture 3:

Picture 4:

All finished? Click below for the answers…

I’m Going Back In!

Hey Everybody!

As I’m sure you have already heard, I’m not gay anymore.  It was an amazing six years of fun, dancing, laughing, being myself and meeting new friends.  However, with the help of the ‘Reverse The Curse’ organization, I have found a way to totally suppress all of my homosexual urges.  For instance, last night at work I overheard a few of my co-workers talking about season six of Buffy and I wanted to chime in so badly with this amazing burn on Angel I had ready.  But I took a moment, asked God to help me remember who I really am now and then cried in the bathroom for twenty minutes.  Anyways, my coming out party six years ago was tighter than Madonna’s new face (which I say: Good for her. She deserves a make over.  Go Madge!) and my next party is going to be even crazier.  I’m having a “Going Back In” party and you’re all invited (except Tori from my old job.  Maybe you’ll think twice about being such a bitch to me when I’m just trying to tell you that table 8 has been waiting for over ten minutes for their diet pepsis)!  The night will start with me saying goodbye to my old life style by dancing to all my favorite songs!  The first three songs will be performance pieces I have planned with my best friend Clinique, but after that you’re all welcome to join in.  When the dancing ends I will say farewell to everyone, wave goodbye and then literally go back into the closet.  The deacons from Reverse The Curse will then lock the closet door, symbolizing the choice I’ve made to remain forever confined.  The lights will slowly go down and smoke will fill the room.  But then I’ll bust out of the closet for one last song because that was just the costume change, bitches!  I’m like Cher, I might say I’m doing a farewell tour but you know I’m coming back again!  I can’t be stopped once you get me started.  But then, seriously, after that I’m changing my evil ways and getting married to a nice, adequate, tolerable woman. Right now I have my eyes set on this lovely lady.  She even seems to like music.

See you at the party! I mean: See you at the party.  Reverse The Curse has told me that exclamation marks are tokens of my old lifestyle and must be cast away.  It falls into a long list that includes baths, sandals, HBO, true love, nice smells, and any form of self expression.

Talk About Googling Yourself!

You’re not gonna believe this, but I JUST INHERITED GOOGLE. Here’s some background info on how this all happened: My great, great grandfather (William T. Google) was the “original Google.” Way back before the Internet was invented, my great, great grandfather would just stand in the center of town with a box of junk. People would come up to him and be like “Hey, do you have a hammer?” and he’d be like “Did you mean hamber?” (I know, it’s totally rude) Then people would dig through his box, which was mostly filled with porn and ringtones, and eventually find what they were looking for (a hamber).

A local artist's porcelain depiction of William T. Google (courtesy of Google image search)

Long story short, his will was just discovered (via a Google search, no less) and he bequeathed his entire estate to ME, Nate Fernald, which is pretty weird because he died like 100 years before I was even born. And what’s even weirder is that he never had children. But now I own Google and have absolutely no idea what to do with it! To tell you the truth, I own more websites than I can really handle right now. Last year I inherited Yahoo from my other great, great grandfather Michael C. Yahoo. And then I inherited some more websites from my great uncles Chester P. Hotmail, Thomas H. Amazon and Frederick R. BlackSingles.com. Anymore websites and I’m gonna go InterNUTS! So I cashed in all of my stock and did what any reasonable human would do: purchased the rights to The Blue Man Group and Domino’s Pizza’s The Noid. And now this is what my life looks like everyday:

Working For The “Man”

I just started a new job last week. It’s your typical office job – you know, sit at a computer all day and then report to “the man.” But I gotta say, I am LOVING it. Know why? Because it’s not necessarily what you do for work, but who you work with. And I have some of the most interesting co-workers you could ask for. Let me introduce you.

This is Alan, he works in Accounts RETRIEVable. A good worker who’s always on the ball (tennis ball, that is). A real GOLDEN boy, if you will. Definitely what you’d call a white collar worker (though I’d call him a FLEA COLLAR worker!) I gotta say, working with this guy is a real TREAT (DOG TREAT).

This is Rick. Always working K9 TO 5. He’s been working at this company for 20 years (dog years [not that long]). Because he’s been here so long, he’s been given the best BARKING (PARKING) spot (SPOT). I always have fun chatting with him by the water cooler, or as he likes to call it, THE TOILET BOWL.

This is Polly. She can be a real BITCH sometimes (literally! No, seriously. Literally). Hey, you would be too if you had twelve kids that were all taken away from you at birth to be supporting cast members in Beverly Hills Chihuahua. But we all put up with her because of that sweet TAIL that we totally want to BONE (this will have to stop, as there’s something like five or six pending sexual harassment suits. Probably shouldn’t be blogging about this).

And this is the boss, Mr. Oreos. No puns for him – he’s just a fucking asshole. Really needs to get off my back.

SUBJECT: STOP IT.

 

TO: ALL PERSONEL
FROM: ELLIOT PAUL, ASSISTANT MANANGER
SUBJECT: STOP IT

It has recently come to my attention that some employees have been making use of the company machines extremely inappropriately. These actions need to end immediately or termination will follow. I repeat: Company machines are to be used for work purposes only. This is not the first time I have dealt with this kind of behavior; in the past people have used the Xerox machine to make copies of their buttocks or perhaps even their genitals. However, for some reason you anonymous few apparently find it infinitely humorous to make copies of other appliances. The custodian said he found over a hundred Xerox copies of what appears to be a coffee machine. How is that funny? Where is the humor in putting a coffee machine in the copier? 

I have also heard rumors of people trying to copy ideas. Literally thinking of an idea like “SHARING” and trying to place it on the copy tray. Now, we are all for boosting morale here at Kloobie Inc., however, trying to replicate an idea or a feeling in a tangible form, is just plain silly. It isn’t possible nor is it an appropriate use of company time. The IT department also reported some emails going around that some of you intend on trying to Xerox copy one of the other Xerox copiers. Please do not attempt this. It will most definitely end with one or even both copiers getting broken rather than what you may anticipate happening: multiple copiers.

Kloobie Inc. wants all of its employees to feel like creative units. With this in mind, we will be installing a company dreamcatcher in the break room. This will be an appropriate vehicle for all your day-to-day fits of fancy and whimsical merriment. However, all dreams should be work related and yet have nothing to do with other coworkers unless it has to do with progress, timeliness, or productivity. Please remember to be courteous and do not force any dreams into the dreamcatcher.

Sincerely,
Elliot Paul, Assistant Manager

PS: We are lead to believe that there has been some misuse of the fax machines. Stop sending knives through the fax machines. Apparently it is working and has already injured several employees at our sister branch. Thank you.