I’ll Have What She’s Having!

The other night I was at this restaurant, and when the waitress came over to me I figured I’d have a little fun. You know – quote some movies, make some jokes. So I was all like “Excuse me, waitress. I’ll have what she’s having!” And the waitress was all like “Sir, I’m not a waitress, I’m a Doctor. And this is a hospital. And that woman is having a baby.” So then I was like “Make mine a double!” Man, it was fun!

Turns out she wasn’t kidding. Long story short, I’m now the father of twins.

Please help! I know absolutely nothing about being a parent! The other day one of them wouldn’t stop crying so I just put a Darth Vader mask on it and left it in a tree. And now Social Services is totally on my ass. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOU CAN’T DO THIS?

Any parenting advice? These twins are a handful! Each! That’s two handfuls! Each! That’s four handfuls!

Sincerely,
Nate “Super Dad” Fernald

Please note that I had the nickname “Super Dad” before this whole baby fiasco. I won it in a game of college ball.