Pretty soon we’ll be heading out to our Nation’s Capital for the DC Comedy Festival. Yes, we are actually performing shows in the place that was inspired by the movie National Treasure. So all of our massive amounts of DC fans can finally see us (we’re looking at you, Spiro Agnew!) We don’t know a lot of people in DC, but if you do, you should tell them to come check out a show (or two [or three!]) of ours. We’ll be performing on Thursday and Friday at various times and places, and they are follows:
Fresh Voices Showcase
@ The DC Improv Mainstage
Thursday, August 7 at 10:30
Admission: $15
Chicago Comedy
@ The DC Improv Caberet
Friday, August 8 at 8:00
Admission: $10
Remember These Names
@ The Comedy Spot
Friday, August 8 at 10:00
Admission: $15
So that’s that. Three shows in two days. That’s like five shows a day or something. Get ready to party, George Washington!
I’ve been working for the NYC bomb squad for 14 years now. Seen a lot of my friends die in the line of duty. Tommy Kardulous. John Warmington. Charlotte Pickering. Kenny Barlow. Those are just a few of the friends I lost (who owed me money). It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been doing this, when you see that timer ticking away, your head starts pounding as you ask yourself: ”Which wire do I cut? Is it the red wire or the blue wire?” Well, let me remind everyone right now:
IT’S THE RED WIRE! ALWAYS CUT THE RED WIRE!
Why do we have such a hard time remembering this? I put up a poster that just said: “Cut the Red” but everyone said I put it up too high and it was hard to see. So I came up with a fun song to help everyone remember: “If you want to go home, you’ll leave the blue alone.” It’s easy. But everyone complained it wasn’t catchy enough. So I hired a song writer to help me write a better melody. We came up with: “Red and Blue. Red and Blue. Dance with me tonight!” The guys in the squad loved it. Though we ended up changing the lyrics from “Red and Blue” to “Ed and Stu” because Eddie Burcheck and Stu Meyers are the big music lovers in the squad and would probably be the first to start dancing. Even with the catchiest hooks and the coolest lyrics, good men are still dying (who owed me money. Seriously, how long do you think I should wait before I ask their widows about my money? Two weeks?) Just remember: “If it’s blue like a flame, you should cut it just the same.” Wait, no. ”If it’s red like a flame, you should-SHIT!” Here we go: “If it’s red like the flag you should preserve it like your dad.” No, that doesn’t make sense either. Ok here we go, “If you’re having trouble deciding between blue or red, just cut them both instead.” I think that’s it. No, wait. That will also end with everyone dying. I have the worst memory with these kinds of things. I can never remember actor’s names either. Who is that guy who always plays cops in 80’s movies? You know who I’m talking about? This is going to drive me nuts. No, don’t google it I want to figure it out myself.
Summer is definitely upon us. I don’t know about you guys, but I am totally living it up! Everyday is Funday (Sunday). I’ve been having such a blast and figured it wouldn’t be right if I didn’t share some of my fun-techniques, or “fuchniques” with all of you. This is something that I’ve been doing lately and it’s really been making my summer great. Using everyday household materials, you too can have as much fun as I. Just make sure you have the following:
1. Two to three sheets of paper (preferably college ruled)
2. An empty soda can
3. A buddy or two
4. A positive attitude
5. $600
Once your friend (or friends, Mr. Popular!) arrive, each of you take a sheet of paper. Fold them horizontally twice. Next, fold them once diagonally. Toss the paper in the trash and throw the soda can at your friend’s face and tell them you don’t like them anymore. Finally, use the $600 to buy a Playstation 3. Play Guitar Hero until you stop crying.
We need milk! I’d have left you a note, but I’m trying to be more environmentally friendly these days. So instead of wasting a piece of paper I just bought a computer and posted this thing on the Internet. Then I printed out this web page, put it on your desk and threw the computer in the trash. Go check it out.
My first fight was in high school. Some punk kid was picking on me and had a pension for throwing raisins at my head. Well, one day I had had just about enough, pulled out a spoon and catapulted some of my rice pudding at him. SPLAT! Right in the nose. His cronies came to his rescue and started flinging their taco meat at me. They had power but no precision and that was their undoing because they accidently hit one of the cheerleaders behind me. She retaliated by launching all her tater tots in their general direction. It wasn’t long before the whole cafeteria descended into chaos. Food was everywhere. It was at that moment that I realized I had a gift.
A few years later I ended up in the middle of huge bar brawl in Chicago. I got into a argument with a bloke over some money he owed me, he threw the first pie, and things escalated quickly. I threw a pie of my own, he ducked and before I knew it, pies were flying like bullets from every direction in the bar. At one point, a really excited chef rolled out a giant cake, only for a man to be thrown through it moments later. I escaped out the back when the bartender started spraying people in the face with a seltzer bottle. I didn’t think much of that night. Just another drunk night in the big city. But a scout had been there and seen me fighting. He approached me and asked if I was interested in going pro. I signed immediately. My first fight was against a guy whose weapon of choice was a mashed potato. I made a real mess of his face with a one-two punch of pancakes and pineapple chunks. He never knew what hit him. I won a lot of trophies in my life but the real test of my skill came one cold, winter night in Brooklyn. I just got out of taxi when a guy held me at gunpoint and demanded my wallet. I was scared…until I realized what I still had in my coat pocket. I disarmed the thug with nothing but a rutabaga and a sloppy joe. He begged for mercy. I threw a napkin in his face as he collapsed in tears. I’m a fighter. It’s something I was born to be. I don’t know any other way.
The other night I was at this restaurant, and when the waitress came over to me I figured I’d have a little fun. You know - quote some movies, make some jokes. So I was all like “Excuse me, waitress. I’ll have what she’s having!” And the waitress was all like “Sir, I’m not a waitress, I’m a Doctor. And this is a hospital. And that woman is having a baby.” So then I was like “Make mine a double!” Man, it was fun!
Turns out she wasn’t kidding. Long story short, I’m now the father of twins.
Please help! I know absolutely nothing about being a parent! The other day one of them wouldn’t stop crying so I just put a Darth Vader mask on it and left it in a tree. And now Social Services is totally on my ass. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOU CAN’T DO THIS?
Any parenting advice? These twins are a handful! Each! That’s two handfuls! Each! That’s four handfuls!
Sincerely,
Nate “Super Dad” Fernald
Please note that I had the nickname “Super Dad” before this whole baby fiasco. I won it in a game of college ball.
Exciting news, everyone! We just uploaded a video to the Internet. Figured we’d give you a break from all the reading and give you something to watch. It’s a filmed version of a bit you may have seen performed live. It was directed and edited by the talented Chad Wilson and Ryan Taylor. These guys are like the Nash Bridges and Joe Dominguez of film making, by which I mean that one of them is Don Johnson and the other is Cheech Marin. We uploaded the hell outta this thing, and you can view it on YouTube, Funny or Die and even MySpace! Or just watch it right here:
By all means, feel free to rate it and send it to your friends. Oh, and a fun fact about the video: Nate and Steve are such good actors, that in this video Nate is actually playing Steve and Steve is playing Nate. Impressive, huh?
I just read about this really interesting scientist named Ivan Pavlov. He did this experiment where every time he would feed his dog, he’d also ring a bell. After a while, every time he rang the bell the dog would automatically start to salivate. I thought I’d try out a little experiment like this of my own, so I starting ringing a bell every time I farted on Steve. Now, whenever Steve hears a bell ring, he automatically throws up and punches me in the face.
I‘m not totally sure what this picture is. I think it’s some sort of Dog S&M Machine (Snacks & Meals, ya sicko!)
To be honest, I should be dead. I was vacationing in Mozambique and was involved in a terrible car accident. The doctors told me that 92% of my body had been destroyed. I was literally just an ear and an elbow. How would I ever meet a cool babe to start a family with now? Fortunately the scientist and doctors in Mozambique had been experimenting with a type of robotic/human fusion and they were hopeful they could save my life. Unfortunately, Mozambique is one of the poorest nations in the world. Their lab was less than adequate and their tools primitive. However the experiment was pretty much a success. They replaced my heart with a hamster wheel (as long as Mr. Snowball keeps running, my body will keep on ticking). My brain was replaced by an old combination bike lock (it’s seems pretty heavy duty, so I’m not worried about that giving out on me anytime soon). The rest of my body was built out of spare parts from the Tandy computer that was donated to the local church 15 years ago. I have been rebuilt. I am stronger and faster than ever.
I am a walking a miracle.
I now spend every waking hour fighting the evil that almost killed me: changing cd’s while I was driving. So stupid. I thought it would be fun to pretend to be a dj in my car and listen to a different song for every town I passed through. Much like RoboCop, I fight an ongoing battle against the injustice that made me what I am today. I do it less with built-in weaponry and more with informative speeches in junior high auditoriums. My life finally has meaning. Also, if I get wet I will most definitely die. Have to stop procrastinating about buying an umbrella.
If you’re ever getting bored at a party because you don’t know anyone, do what I do: pretend it’s your ten year high school reunion. It’s so much fun. I just go up to a random person and am like: “Hey! How are you? It’s me Steve! Steve O’Brien! Remember we sat next to each other in that one class junior year. Remember? You had a huge crush on-what was their name? We hated having homework, huh? Homework’s the worst. Oh, how about the food in the cafeteria? Paging the Board of Health, am I right? I always thought you were the coolest. I know we weren’t that close but… well you probably don’t even remember me but I kind of always looked up to you. This is kind of embarrassing, but I even tried to call you once. I was a little drunk one night and I had just been arrested for suspected murder. Totally didn’t do it, don’t worry. I was tried with manslaughter, so I dodged that bullet. But it’s funny, they gave me my one phone call and I was like “Hey, I should call up my favorite person in the world.” But you didn’t pick up. And that was a big mistake. Were you trying to make me look foolish? Because that’s how i felt. I did a little bit of time. But I thought of you everyday in that prison cell. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see your face, so I break the mirror. I break four mirrors a day. It gets pretty expensive but it’s worth it. Because I believe if I do it enough, eventually I will become you. I’ll work at your job and sleep next to your lover and hang out with your friends and everyone will love me. Finally, I will be loved. I count the hours until that glorious day. Anyways, that’s what I’ve been up to. How bout you? Wait, you remember when Kenny took a crap in the urinal senior year? Oh man, I bet he didn’t have a problem getting a date for prom. Psych!”
They will nervously smile and walk away. You can repeat the process with other people at the party if you want. The best part is watching the host be too afraid to ask you to leave. When you do decide to leave, make sure to unplug a lamp and walk out with it. And then yell: “If any hot girls want to get fingered, I’ll be waiting outside in my Mitsubishi, Galant!” At that point you should leave quickly because they will have probably called the police by now. Sometimes you have to make your own fun guys.
